SO there I was, minding my own business, when suddenly a sight was revealed before my eyes that I had not seen for over a year!
But I'm getting ahead of myself.
Since I moved down here to PhilaHELLphia, I've had a tough time getting myself established into anything resembling a social scene. Part of it was due to the fact that I knew virtually nobody down here. Another factor is that couple of friends I DID make here were not terribly interested in hangin' out. Most of it was due to laziness and the preference of watching quality late-night weekend TV over wandering around in various clubs. Sure, I hung out with my brother every now and again since he knew the area, but he was living in North Carolina back then. Overall, though, I was content in the nice, warm little rut in which I was lying.
Then Joe Bob Briggs left TNT's Monstervision and suddenly there was nothing to watch on TV Saturday nights.
Fortunately, a chick we shall refer to as Bridget got hired at our company as something called promotions coordinator. Her job was to show up at public events, dispensing information for our company and such. She is well-qualified for such a position, being rather extraordinarily outgoing. She needed help doing some of these events, though. She required several volunteers to help with the menial duties for an Animal Planet in town this past Saturday.
I don't know about you, but when I think of the word "volunteer", I think of those selfless people who give of their time to help others desiring nothing in return. Now I don't know about you, but it would take a little more than a warmed heart to make it worthwhile for me to sacrifice a Saturday on the altar of philanthropy. Therefore, my coworker and I were rather reluctant, coming up with all kinds of excuses.
THEN we discovered that she meant "volunteer" in the euphemistic sense, the same meaning dictators use when mercenaries "volunteer" to clean out the regime's political enemies from the jungles. Yes indeedy, we got paid time and a half for giving up a weekend that could otherwise have been spent lounging around watching TV. I like volunteering!
I won't go into great detail, since it was pretty boring, although I got to work with a Lithuanian chick named Julie. Ahhh, sweet, sweet Julie…
So afterward, we eventually found our way to a moderately seedy dance club. I was assured that it was a meat market, although it didn't see too bad. I did shots, drank beer, and thought I was hallucinating when I saw a half dozen chicks wearing those bachelorette veils. I wasn't that drunk, though. There WERE that many bachelorettes there. What kind of madness had taken over the world? Some of them were cute, too. SIGH.
Toward the end of the night, I was standing there ogling at all of the little ho's when suddenly one chick grabbed the bottom of another chick's half-shirt and lifted it up! Egad! No bra! The exposed chick was displeased with her friend, but that didn't really matter to me. I'm a man of simple needs, and the quick flash of bared boobs was all I needed to give me a reason to live…and a stiffy.
The moral of this story is that no good deed goes unrewarded. Actually, the moral is to try to get paid for your volunteer work. Maybe the moral is that if you hang around drunk chicks long enough and keep your eyes open, you might get a cheap thrill.
I can't believe it had been over a year…
