Sigh. The creaking in my joints is a little louder. My posture is less straight. My skin is more wrinkly. My vision is less clear. My mind is duller. My attitude is surlier. I am nearly overcome with the desire to wear plaid pants and go on tirades against those young whippersnappers running for President. Yes, it's another birthday for yours truly and about 16 and a half million other people.
Sure, on the face of it, it may seem like an honor to have the same birthday as me. People always seem to get a kick out of knowing that they share a birthday with somebody famous. The problem is, of course, is that I will be exalted so thoroughly, that my birthday will be regarded with the same reverence as Christmas, if not more. When has anyone ever been happy to have a birthday on Christmas? Granted, it probably won't be declared a national holiday for a least a decade or two, since I need time to ingrain myself into the mythology of the age, but still.
I wonder how people will celebrate my birthday years from now? They'll certainly get a day off in observance. Maybe they'll decorate their homes with tarantula skins, sit down to an octopus dinner, and exchange gifts under a poster of the Conan the Barbarian movie. Or maybe they'll get tanked, watch some porn on Skinemax, and hold a night of chastity in my honor. That would suck. Well, I guess it depends on the PR firm I hire as to how fun my holiday turns out to be.
Yes, today was the day I was immaculately conceived (or that's how the story will go, anyway) to foster parents more virtuous than any on the planet who tragically died when I was, oh, let's say 18, leaving no record of their existence. Naturally, my true parents will be paid well to keep their mouths shut. After all, I don't want future generations venerating MY mom and making prayers to HER. I'll be damned if I'm going to share my pantheon with any hangers-on!
So what have I done with yet another year down in my pre-apotheosis life? Pretty much nuthin'. I didn't score, although I DID get flashed. I'm not rich yet, although I DID get a somewhat better paying job. I have a bunch more tarantulas, and they're getting bigger all the time. All in all, I guess I'm par for the course. At least I didn't catch lice or get audited or go to jail or get a speeding ticket or get killed or get herpes (fat chance of that).
SIGH.
So how old am I? Well, today is the first day of the year 27, Jason's Era (J.E.).
I'm OLD.
And guess what I bought for a birthday feast? HEAD CHEESE! It's ingredients read: Pork snouts, pork, water, pork hearts, salt, gelatin, etc. Tastes kinda like Spam Jell-O.
