As I write this, the election for the U.S. Presidency, along with all of the secondary elections scheduled for the same night are right around the corner. I already voted through an absentee ballot since I didn't register around here in time. In the intervening week, I have the anguish that voters who vanished into the booths don't have. I get to see how things develop knowing that I have already crossed the Rubicon, so to speak.
"What the fuck is a Rubicon?" says the frat boy in row 3.
A well-hurled brick stops that line of questioning.
So now that I've cast my lot, I decided to take a harder look a the field beyond the gargantuan political caricatures of Bush and Gore. Let's start with Nader, candidate of the Green party.
I must say, I began my research with the preconception that Nader was a quasi-commie who thinks he knows everything about anything and has probably never had a real job in his life. After exhaustive research, I came to a definitely conclusion: I'm a goddamn genius. I read him perfectly. Yes, he's one of those people who claims that all of humanity's problems are created by a secret cabal of old white men who run all of the world's corporations and that if only we could get rid of them, we would all be happy. That's the same mentality that has led to our stunning success against the illegal drug trade. Yes sir, if you take out the top guy, surely no one will bother to jump up to take his place and all of those people who would sell their own mothers for one more hit of crack will become productive citizens, but not TOO productive, since it is evil to make any kind of profit.
By the way, I would gladly trade MY mother for a cobalt blue tarantula.
One thing they DON'T tell you is that there are actually TWO Green Parties, and only one supports Nader. The site comparing their platforms is here. I don't see what the big distinction is. They're both the same stripe of we-want-social-justice-and-equity-for-all-and-if-you-don't-do-it-our-way-we'll-KILL-you fringe party mentality. Well, the one on the left is a lot wordier, but that's about it. Oh sure, I agree with some of their points such as political decentralization and simplification of the tax code, but then they start getting wacky. They call for decentralization of government, but later on demand that the federal government pay for and administer a host of social welfare initiatives. I guess you have to be schizophrenic to be a member of the party.
Then there's Pat Buchanan. Sweet, lovable, pudgy Pat Buchanan who wears underwear speckled with swastikas. You didn't have to bend your brain too hard to get the whiff of good old-fashioned fascism on his TV ads. In the off-chance that you missed it, his commercials focused on blaming all of the problems of the world on immigrants sneaking into the country and taking all of the low-paying, miserable jobs that no one else wants. The irony of this stance should be self-evident to anyone who is living in a country made up exclusively of immigrants (yes, even Native Americans are not really indigenous). Heck, he even questions the Holocaust. Tellingly, I can't find an issue platform on his page. Maybe immigrants are his only issue.
Surprisingly, the Reform Party, at least the part Buchanan didn't hijack, endorsed NADER! How's that for a kick in the pants? Check out their website if you don't believe me, you paranoid bastard.
Not so surprisingly, although they hail from opposing camps, ol' "Send 'Em To the Gulag" Nader and "Gas 'Em All Let God Sort 'Em Out" Buchanan are as ideologically similar as Hitler and Stalin. They both run on the platform of isolationism, mercantilism, and the creation of a police state in their own image. Good friggin' luck, ya bastards.
Sigh. So that leaves us with Bush and Gore, who, as I noted before, are basically the same candidate with different haircuts. There are differences, though. I LOVE Gore's pledge to use the surplus to pay down the debt, but his association with those who would get a hard-on over muzzling the violent movies I love so much and his pledge to use the military to further moral causes across the globe destroy my amity for him. Then there's Bush, who has said that he'll reduce our overseas military commitments (that's good), he wants to cut taxes based on a surplus that may not actually exist (that's bad), continue the drive for free trade (that's good), and he might have been compromised by the Religious Right (that's bad). They've both missed the boat on Social Security, prescription drugs, and a couple of other things my cranial limitations will not allow me to remember. I won't say who I voted for, since I'm hoping that he loses so that no matter what happens, I can say "I voted for the OTHER guy."
If only we could siphon out the good of both candidates, stick it in a blender, give the brain of a rational human being like, say, ME, and come out with the perfect candidate. What'll we do with the crap? We'll put on thick gloves and roll it together into a misshapen monstrosity called "Bore." We'll call the shining, golden paragon of commons sense and political savvy "Gush." Alright, dumb name, but it's late. Gush will be the front runner and the nefarious Bore will be his running mate, ensuring the immortality of the President, since no one would want that debilitated thing in charge.
Cheney who? Lieberman where?
So what'll we do with Nader and Buchanan? Put 'em in a knife fight and shoot the winner.
Vote Libertarian!
