So as a result of the 2000 election, I turned my bullshit-piercing gaze to the fringe parties' candidates this year, I call these the "Magic" parties, since their platforms will need to defy all known laws of nature and common sense to succeed. (If one of them actually wins, that'll be the "Miracle" party.)
Before I start, let me remind you that Pat Buchanan is a Satan-worshipping crackhead who sets puppies on fire. That's just to remind you that I don't play favorites unless there's the chance that I might get sex out of it (in other words, I haven't played favorites for over four years).
I recently found that one of my long-held beliefs was incorrect. I believed quite firmly that all bullshit is brown. In truth, some of it is a different color. Some of it is GREEN.
Yes, the Green Party is the latest organization to have instilled profound annoyance in me. It's not their so-called environmental initiatives that really bug me. That's pretty much a value call, and I can respect that. What really kills me is how they bend over backwards envisioning a future of peace and harmony through their 10 step process and encourage the psychosis of chronic wussiness, particularly among women (but I'll get to that later).
The ten tenets to global harmony are: Ecological Wisdom, Grassroots Democracy , Social Justice, Nonviolence, Community Economics, Decentralization, Feminism, Respect for Diversity. Personal and Global Responsibility, and Future Focus.
Sure, that all SOUNDS nice. Heck, if you take those points at face value, I would consider someone who embodies all of those words a pretty cool person. Sadly, I'm only 9 of 10. (I'm such SLIME!) When you look at what the Greens actually MEAN by these statements though, the façade of a bunch of cool people dissolves to reveal the grinning, skeletal face of madness. Let's examine them, shall we?
The Grassroots Democracy part is pretty much just vanilla, whiny crap about the fact that everyone should participate in politics and determine collectively the path their community should take, implicity as long as they stay within the Green's platform. Their stance on Social Justice is: "The Greens want to replace the worldwide system of poverty and injustice with a world free of all oppression based on class, gender, race citizenship, age, or sexual orientation." Sure that sounds fine, but the reference to "class" is a dead commie giveaway, plus I don't care for the implication that there is a consciously instituted "system" of oppression, as if it wasn't the natural order of things, which, I'm sorry to say, it is. The Non-violence part is nothing you haven't heard a billion times before.
Now it starts getting really strange. Their stance on Community Economics and Decentralization conjures the vision of the dissolution of any area organization and the collapse of civilization into a bunch of city-states. They want community control for politics and the economy, while railing against the evils of globalization (Buchanan could have been a Green!). Apparently, your local town is supposed to have full control over job creation and still somehow be able to find a job for everybody, perhaps with the help of "public enterprises that distribute resources and control to more people through democratic participation." How's THAT supposed to work? Another commie giveaway: "A successful economic system will offer meaningful work with dignity while paying a living wage which reflects the real value of a person's work." That's nice. Who determines what a job is worth again? It's democratically determined, you say? And people bitch about Congress deciding what to pay itself! Meanwhile, the sewers backup because cleaning them out is undignified and unmeaningful.
"What makes you so smart?" asks the blubbery broad with the krinkly hair in the "I Much Muff" T-shirt. "What makes you think you know more about economics than I do?"
God, I have REALLY got to remember to lock the auditorium doors before anybody can get in. These would go SO much smoother.
"Did you go to college…uh…miss,?" I ask with labored patience.
"Of course!"
"What did you major in?"
"I'll have you know I got a four-point-oh in Daytime Television Philosophy," she said haughtily, "and I have a Ph.D. in Bolivian lesbian 18th century poetry!"
What a surprise. Of course, Bolivia wasn't a country until 1835, but I don't bring that up. "So since I'll assume that you're an expert in that little microcosm of poetry, would you be offended if I went of ranting about how I, a person who's never read a Bolivian lesbian poem in his life, know more about it than you do?"
"Yes!" she shouts back. "You've never studied it! How can you talk about it?"
"Gee, your right," I concede. "But given that I've studied political science, history, economics, and business, I think I'm a little better qualified than your useless major ass to evaluate the utter stupidity of the economic plans made up people with majors as lame as yours."
"Well, uh…"
"Now sit your big butt down before I perform a tracheotomy on you with plasticware, and believe me, I have NO medical training."
That shut her up.
The rest are nothing more than the typical swill you would expect from a bunch of acid-dropping throwbacks…except the part about feminism. That one drives me out of my mind. I've rambled on too long already, though. Stay tuned for the rest of it!
