Ah, yes, life. It's the ultimate mystery from which all other mysteries derive. After all, if it weren't for life, there wouldn't be anybody to ponder the complexities of the universe. For as long as humans have been self aware, they have wondered why they exist at all. They have wondered what the point of life is since we just die anyway. The theories are as many as the chicks I have failed to score with.
One of the oldest and seemingly innate rationales has been that we exist at the sufferance of some greater being(s). This is commonly referred to as religion. I don't know of a single culture that has not invented some kind of pantheon to explain how we got here, why we're here, and where we go after we die. Most will at least pay lip service to the concept that they live for their deity of choice, although few actually adhere to the arbitrary laws that that entails. All this is done in hope that the god they've chosen will see them in a favorable light and let them into paradise after they die. Proof is naturally hard to come by, that doesn't stop anybody.
Sure, most people buy that philosophy, but the pragmatic side of me can't decide which of the hundreds of versions of omnipotent overlord to devote myself to. Besides, following such a path usually involves a profound love of extreme self-denial, and I'm just too hedonistic to restrict my behavior without good reason.
The competing philosophy to the religious one, at least as old, more innate, and completely opposite, is the idea that we live for our own pleasure. Those people will indulge any fancy whenever it strikes them, sometimes within reason and sometimes not. Just like religious folks, there are extreme versions of such people who are willing to do literally anything to get what they want. These people usually do well in politics. This isn't a real philosophy, I guess, since such slimeballs are rarely able to think more than 5 minutes into the future, let alone muse on the meaning of their existence.
It would be fun to be happy all the time, but alas! I'm just too principled for a life of raw self-indulgence. Besides, I'm perfectly willing to put up with short-term hell to ensure a more secure future. Curse my impulse control.
Some more ideas of the meaning of life have appeared over the years as the stranglehold of religion on the mind began to loosen. There are those who believe that we are supposed to live in perfect harmony with all of nature, glorifying animals above ourselves (read: PETA freaks). Fuck that. I like hamburger. Besides, that's a grossly UNnatural philosophy, and my sensible side condemns it as silliness.
A lot of people have spent their entire lives trying to win glory for themselves in the deluded notion that a footnote in the history books will grant them some perverse form of immortality. Like I need a bunch of bored school kids being forced to memorize my deeds. A close corollary to this is the constant quest for material wealth. I figure I'll still be just as dead in the end, regardless of whether or not I have a Porsche. My lazy side recoils at the amount of work it will entail to win such fame and wealth.
Then there are those pathetic, lost little fools who believe that we live to love. The last piece of my surviving, tortured idealism screams, "Yes! That's it!" Then the cynical side, made incredibly buff by the steroidal effects of evil backstabbing chicks, remembers that TV has never betrayed me and has a volume control. The idealism naturally loses the ensuing melee for my soul.
After 27 years of pondering and observing, I have finally discovered the true meaning of life. I have the key to what has eluded people for millennia. It's irrefutably true, and will answer all of those nagging questions that have vexed you your entire life.
But before I get into that, I thought of something incredibly funny today. You know what you say when you see someone scratching their ass? You say, "Hey, are you digging for fudge?" HA HA HA!! Get it? Fudge mining! HA HA HA!!
Now where was I? Hmmmm… I don't remember what I was saying. Oh well. It probably wasn't important.
