January 10, 27 J.E.
THE TRAGEDY OF JASONNICUS
ACT II
Jasonnicus
At
the camp of the Greek Army besieging Troy.
Chorus
enters.
Chorus: Behold ye, the mighty army of the Greeks rendered impotent
against the great wall of the mighty city of Troy in the time a baby can grow
into a man. The ground has been drenched with the blood of many a hero and
common soldier alike over the last twenty years, and all so they can screw a
particular chick. Listen, for the kings approach.
King
Agamemnon and King Menelaus enter.
Agamemnon: We have lost much these past years. Indeed, the most
recent loss of Achilles is the most grievous of them all! Were that villainous
Paris here right now, I would strike him down with the most savage of
bitch-slappings!
Menelaus:
Yes, my brother. Your slaps are definitely
the most feared of all warriors. The hot sweet buttocks of Achilles will be
missed in the baths, that much is for certain, and if only a spanking of Paris
would solve his absence! The Ass of Paris is not half as meaty as that of
Achilles.
Agamemnon:
The losses of this war have been mighty, but
I cause is just! We shall not waver!
Menelaus:
By my life, dear brother, I have no
recollection of such a cause! Why is it that we, a group of strong young men,
have left behind our homes to spend these ten years huddled together around
the walls of Troy?
Agamemnon:
We’re here because Paris, son of King Priam, stole your
wife, numb nuts!
Menelaus:
Oh yeah. Is that the true reason, though?
Did we truly come here to regain my wife, or did we come here to cavort as men,
free from the dirty paws of vile women. Did we come here to truly conquer Troy,
or did we come here to bathe together without screaming children clogging our
ears?
Agamemnon:
Well, we did need an excuse to leave, lest
our wives keep us shackled to the home!
Menelaus:
I agree, brother, that feast of blood and
gay sex has been better than any that the Elysian Fields can offer us, but is
it worth it? Mighty Achilles is gone! The baths, be they full of perfumed nude
young boys, will still be as desolate as the deepest desert and the water as
sour as the blood of lemons.
Agamemnon:
What are you saying, brother? Wish ye to
leave these shores?
Menelaus:
Thou dost read my mind, co-inhabitant of our
mother’s womb! Our time here has been
glorious, but look at our soldiers. They are no longer the bright young men
with tight buttocks and lustful hearts! They are now old and curmudgeonly.
Methinks they are becoming as women! We must leave these shores and return to
Greece!
Agamemnon:
That is easy for you! Your wife is safely
behind those walls of Troy! Mine waits for me in our bed!
Menelaus:
Hear me out brother! My plan is not to go
there to stay! My plan is to recruit new young men and new heroes with round
buttocks to take us to another campaign to…uh…France.
Agamemnon:
By Apollo’s Penis, you’re right! Let us
leave these accursed shores! Summon the men!
Chorus:
Could it be? The siege at Troy is lifted?
The Greeks are leaving with thier work unfinished, allowing Helen to remain in
the hands of the vile Priam?
Agamemnon:
Did you hear someone saying something?
Messenger
enters.
Messenger: My lords! The mighty Jasonnicus has arrived and wishes to
speak with you!
Agamemnon:
Show him in!
Menelaus:
Jasonnicus! He is in possession of the
finest ass from here to Gibraltar!
Agamemnon:
Sadly, though, he is heterosexual, and does
not partake of the Greek custom of gay sex.
Menelaus:
Indeed? Surely that must tarnish his
reputation!
Agamemnon:
‘Tis best not to mention it. I am sure that
he had suffered many a cruel joke do to his propensity to screw only women.
Behold! He comes!
Jasonnicus
enters.
Jasonnicus:
Lo noble kings of Greece! I have heard of
your plight! A woman of extreme beauty locked behind yonder Trojan walls! I
have come to finally end this struggle!
Agamemnon:
Well, we were just—
Jasonnicus:
No words are necessary, your majesty. I
shall smite down the Trojans, and all inside will be at your mercy!
Chorus:
Behold as the eyes of the kings light up at
the prospect of conquering not the city of Troy, but of subjugating an entire
new army of asses!
Jasonnicus:
What the—who in the name of Persephone’s
Hades-fucked ass are you?
Chorus:
Who, us? We are but humble soldiers pledged
to your service.
Jasonnicus:
Hmm…you look familiar, like a Chorus I once
slew.
Chorus:
That was close. We would not wish to be
slain again by that schmuck.
Jasonnicus:
Anyway, I can bring every soldier in the
city of Troy to their knees, but for a great price.
Agamemnon:
Every one? On their knees? What price could
be too great?
Jasonnicus:
In return for the conquest of Troy, I demand
a night with Helen, she with a face that launched a thousand ships!
Menelaus:
Sure, no problem. What’s the plan?
Jasonnicus:
Much less resistance than I expected, but
very well! The plan is simple! Know ye
of your actions when you lie with a woman, to get her to agree to such a union?
Agamemnon:
Well, actually—
Jasonnicus:
If you want to gain access through her gates
of ecstasy, you must buy her gifts before she will accept your mighty shaft.
Chorus:
Like he would know how to get a woman. 'Tis the blind leading the blind!
Jasonnicus:
Therefore , I suggest that the key to Troy
is the same as that of a woman. We must offer them a gift, one filled with our
soldiers so that we may destroy them from the inside.
Agamemnon:
Of course! That explains why we have not
taken the city! We must treat it like a woman, a skill we do not have!
Menelaus:
But what gift shall we give them that can
hold our soldiers! Jasonnicus, you know women far better than we, for the size
and might of your schlong is greater than any horse. Pray tell us, what gift
will allow us entry into their gates?
Jasonnicus:
We’ll think of something. Perhaps we may
make a scale model of my mighty schlong!
Agamemnon:
Have we enough wood for such a project, or
enough men to fill it?
Jasonnicus:
It matters not. The plan is set. Let us
cease with words and engage into action!
Agamemnon:
Summon the men! The butts of Troy will soon
be ours!