THE TRAGEDY OF JASONNICUS
ACT II
Scene 5
CAST
Jasonnicus
Helen
King Priam
Paris
Guard 3
Guard 4
In a spacious bedroom in the castle
Guards 3 and 4 enter.
Guard 3: Seems to be quite a ruckus outside.
Guard 4: Uh-huh.
Guard 3: Sounds almost like a battle out there. Of course, it's probably just big party.
Guard 4: Probably.
Guard 3: I heard the Greeks were fleeing the city. Oh what a riotous party it will surely be. Still, though, my heart is heavy for combat. The smell of blood, the shouts of pain, the satisfying crunch of bone under the mace. Ah, those were heady days, were they not, Guard 4?
Guard 4: Yeah.
Guard 3: Still, it is honorable work guarding Helen of Troy, is it not? Indeed, it would take a woman of her stunning beauty to have the Greeks so inflamed with rage. I would think that a room full of gold would be a smaller treasure than this. Of course, that was 10 years ago, but I have heard she still gives good head.
Guard 4: Whatever.
Jasonnicus enters.
Jasonnicus: Die, you hot chick-stealing cretins!
Guard 4: Ouch.
Jasonnicus slays Guard 4.
Guard 3: I say, you cannot simply come barging into someone's bedchambers when-
Jasonnicus slays Guard 3.
From off stage: Who goes there? What mighty warrior seeks to rescue Helen of Troy from her prison?
Jasonnicus: 'Tis I, the mighty Jasonnicus! I have traveled far from Greece in a quest to break the curse of Zeus. Through craft and the possession of a mighty schlong, I have undone in a day what the armies of Agamemnon could not in 10 years. I have breached the walls of Troy. In return for your freedom, I desire only to-
Old Crone enters.
Jasonnicus: Oh, I'm sorry. I must be in the wrong room.
Old Crone: Might Jasonnicus, thou hast come to rescue me!
Jasonnicus: Well, I came to rescue someone…
Old Crone: Surely 'tis me you mean! For I am Helen! The years have taken their toll, but can you not see through the wrinkles to see the beauty that was once mine?
Jasonnicus: Uh…
Helen: Oh Jasonnicus, Paris has but the weiner of an average man! It would be a dream to experience your godlike genetalia! Menelaus need not know!
Jasonnicus: Well, actually, I am…uh…honor bound not to violate the sanctity of your marriage-
Helen: Silence Jasonnicus! Take me now!
Paris enters.
Paris: What goes on here?
Jasonnicus: Thank the gods!
Helen: Jasonnicus is here to take me away from your mediocre penis and show the sex of the Gods!
Jasonnicus: Well let's not to jump to any conclusions.
Paris: Jasonnicus! You have ruined my city, slain my guards, and seek to take my wife?
Jasonnicus: I think this is a bit of a misunderstanding. You see, I was just passing through and-
Paris: Enough! I shall slay thee!
Helen: Fight for my honor, Jasonnicus!
Jasonnicus: Oh brother! Methinks I am trapped in a winless situation! My options are to die at the hands of Paris or to face a fate worse than death at the hands of Helen! And yet, I dare not flee, for should my reputation suffer, I shall NEVER score!
They fight.
Paris: You are not so great! I shall smite the down and cast they buttocks down to the Greeks!
Jasonnicus: I shall slay thee now!
Helen: Win noble Jasonnicus! Win!
Jasonnicus: Way to kill my zest for victory. Hold, Iam stricken with inspiration! I have the one way out of this quandary. Be true my sword!
Jasonnicus slays Paris.
Helen: Hail Jasonnicus! Thou art victorious!
Jasonnicus: Alas, my dear Helen! For as he fell, Paris did strike me a grievous wound! The light fades! My sole dying wish is that you return to Greece and spread the word of my deeds far and wide, and instruct the hot chicks of the land to put out to my spirit, should it appear to them in the night!
Helen: It shall be done, oh noble Jasonnicus!
Jasonnicus: Go now, find ye Menalaus, and may you score. For behold, I die.
Helen: Oh this is a woeful day!
Helen exits.
Jasonnicus: Dumb bitch. With her looks gone, she has nary an asset to her name. I must flee this place through yonder window to return to my quest. Curse you Zeus! I shall yet find the golden sheepskin! Attention, faithful sailors! Throw off the rigging! We must escape!
Jasonnicus exits.
