In all the world there is not a single sight more beautiful than an aardvark.  Aardvarks are strange and wondrous creatures which thrive in South Africa.  They are nocturnal ant eating mammals and are great at parties.  Just keep them away from the onion dip.  Speaking of dips, what is proper nacho etiquette?  If you go to a fancy restaurant and order nachos, is it okay to eat it with your fingers or do they have special silverware for that?  And why are elephants gray?  Gray isn't a very good blending color.  It doesn't match jungle flora or fauna, it doesn't go well with high grass.  In fact, the only thing the color gray matches in the wild is stone.  You never really see elephants up on mountain passages though, do you?  SO why are elephants gray?  You would think that with all that skin they've got to work with, they'd be more colorful.  How difficult would it be to tattoo an elephant?  Granted, you would need to use thicker needles, and the detail would probably suffer a bit, but it just might work.  Or perhaps another idea would be to let some graffito artists loose on the side of a pachyderm or two.  It's a portable wall.  We could use elephants for advertising.  Just paint a sign on 'em and let them loose in the city.  Eat at Joe's.  Pretty soon we'll have neon elephants running rampant down our dirty boulevards.  It would be like one of those cheesy "70's horror films.  Attack of the Slobbering, Trumpeting, Neon Elephants.  Coming soon to a Multi-Super-Cineplex near you.  Never try to buy grass from the easter bunny.  He isn't very trustworthy.  Last Easter instead of finding eggs around our home, we found bunny turds.  Bad bunny.  Bad, bad bunny.  But I did manage to convince my little brother and sister that they were little tiny Whoppers malt balls, so clean-up was not a problem.  Next year we are going to have rabbit stew for Easter dinner.  Lincoln Logs are cool.  Although one of the handiest inventions to come out of Western civilization, these paragons of toy technology have not yet been used to their full potential, so here is the top ten list of Lincoln Log uses from our home office in Betelgeuse, Germany.

10.  Suppositories for woodpeckers.
 9.  YUGO replacement parts.
 8.  Penile implants.
 7.  A quick healthy snack...(lots of fiber yum yum!).
 6.  Ku Klux Klan starter kits (you gotta start them buildin' those crosses young).
 5.  Kindling material for that Barney the Dinosaur bonfire party we've all been planning.
 4.  Butt plugs for diarrhea sufferers.
 3.  Toothpicks for politicians.
 2.  Kidney transplants.
And the number one use for Lincoln Logs is...

    First let me tell you a little story.
    Once upon a time in a galaxy far, far away (all the good stories start out this way.  The bad stories always start out with "Me and some of the boys were drinking some tequila last night when Bob said to us...(you just know you're evening is going to go downhill from there).  So anyway, there was this salamander, right?  And he was just lookin' for a good time.  He was hoping to score a little tail, ya know, so he was out and about, cruisin' the local strip and...well, why not let him tell it?
    My name is Saly.  Saly Mander.  I'm a gumshoe.  A Private Dick.  I carry a gun, and I know how to use it.  I just wish I had the thumbs to do it.  It was Saturday, 11:56 p.m.  I was checking out the local strip, collecting information on a case I was working on when all of the sudden, out of the blue, the Dame shows up.  She was a Great Dame.  She snuck up behind me and had me in a lip lock before you could say gefilte fish on rye with a twist of lox.  She throws me down on a lily pad and gives me a hickey the size and shape of Florida.  You ever seen a salamander with a hickey?  It's not a pretty picture.  She was on top, giving me an education in equal rights when I say "What do you know about the Durante case?  She looks shocked and says she doesn't know anything.  I knew she was lying by the twitch in her eye.  Or maybe it was the impending orgasm.  Before I can work it out, my gun goes off and kills her.  I felt bad.  I wasn't done yet.  So five minutes later, after I finish, I roll her off and go through her wallet.  She has a list of names tucked into her billfold, and even more importantly, cab fare.  Back at the office I check out the list and send my secretary out for a Danish, preferably brunette.  I also like them with a wad of cash, so I have my secretary pick 'em up near the bank.  'Make sure this one's fresh' I say.  'Yeah okay boss' she says, so I turn back to the list.  Then I remember I'm a salamander.  I can't read.  Oh well, at least she had cab fare.
    And the number one use for Lincoln Logs is...
    Do you ever wonder where it is exactly that the buffalo roam?  No?  Me neither, but I was sitting on a park bench one day reading a book by an illiterate Tibetan monk about the reproductive process of a wombat when a very attractive brunette wandered past.  I was stunned for a moment, and she smiled at me, leaving me feeling a bit embarrassed, yet incredibly uplifted at the same time.  That woman oozed feelgoods, and I had to have her.  I mean, I was eager to strike up a friendship with her.  I started to follow her when she turned and asked me, "what are you doing?"  To which I replied, "I just wanted to get your attention and maybe ask you out to coffee and talk about what we should do with the rest of our lives together..."  Just then my gun went off and killed her (I hope this is not the general theme of this story.  I seem to lose more love interests this way).
    And the number one use of stinking dogs is...
    Which reminds me of something my father said to me.  This will only take about fifteen minutes.  When I was a boy I was very confused (although I'm a lot more secure with my feminine side now.  With a name like Carmelita, you have to be secure with your feminine side).  My father always told me that you have to be in control.  It doesn't matter what you look like, or how you dress, or how stupid your name is.  As long as you're in control, no one will laugh at you to your face.  I just played in the sandbox a lot.  One day while I was playing in the sandbox a cute brunette came up to me and said "what are you doing in my sandbox?"  "Nothing," I said, cause that's what you say at times like that.  "Well," she said, "why don't you get out?"  I was almost angry with her, but for some reason I had the most irresistible urge to kiss her.  So I did.  Just then, my gun went off and killed her.  I felt sad.  I wasn't done with her yet.  So I finished and then I buried her in the sand.  But the best part is that when I was digging her grave I found a really old G.I. Joe doll, the really big one.  It's a valuable collectable now.  Wish I still had it.  Oh, anyway, I buried her and no one ever found her.  I told me dad about the incident.  He was proud of me for standing up for myself and doing the right thing.  My dad is in prison right now.  Did I mention that?  I visit Momma every Memorial Day.  I got a postcard from dad's new wife last week.  His name is Bubba, and he and dad are very happy together.  I can't wait to find out if I get a baby brother or a baby sister.  Dad didn't really explain the process very well, but it involves a test tube, a coffee can, a spoon, and a bottle of Evian.
    And the number one use for blinking hogs is--
    Oh, by the way, I like little baby ducks, old pickup trucks, slow moving trains, and rain.  BOOM!  Oops!  Sorry!  I didn't think it was loaded.