Today we're going to learn the importance of the uvula and how it affects us in our daily lives.

Ding.

    The uvula, commonly referred to as the hangy thingy in the back of your throat, acts as a damn to prevent matter such as food or drink from gaining access to nasal passages.

Ding.

    It also prevents matter such as boogers and those annoying insects that fly into your nostrils from going down your throat and into your lungs where it would lay eggs that would hatch and eat you from the inside out.

Ding.

    Let's take a close look at the history of the uvula.  The uvula, broken down into it's basic language parts of Latin, uv- meaning ultra-violet light, -u- a small female sheep, and -la, a note to follow so.  Which basically means the Greeks didn't know what they were talking about.  The word Uvula in Latin basically means "the radioactive sheep that sings in your throat."

Ping.

    The ancients were very confused about the strange and wonderful workings of the human body, but many strange myths were started about the the ruler of their Gods, Uvulas, father of the guy that begat the father of the thing that begat the other one that begat that weird Zeus guy, and Uvulas' son Uvulees and his three labors (one of the three labors shouldn't count because Uvulees was a big believer in the Lamaze method, but some scholars have had the theory that he had induced pain killers into his body on the third labor.  Some scholars even doubt that the labors were actually his and said he adopted).

Ting.

    In the middle ages, the uvula was thought to be a guard against demonic spirits, a fleshy barrier to the soul, which is how communion got it's start in religion.  It was believed that the uvula needed to be baptized by a wafer to ward off evil.  During the 1600's the Salem uvula branding trials became common.  People with small uvuli were believed to be witches, for how can one ward off evil spirits with an underdeveloped uvula?  Inversely, people with overdeveloped uvuli were thought to be holy men.

Ping.

    Later, in 1902, Albert Schwietzer, noted medical philanthroper, began studies in Africa.  When on his medical tour in Ethiopia, he discovered that one of the native rite of passage rituals involved the removal of the uvula.  These uvulaectomies were considered, in Dr. Schwietzer's opinion, to be one of the sickest forms of self-mutilation that he had ever heard of.  Taking matters into his own hands, he decided to perfect the uvula transplant, one of his least renowned operations.

Zing.

    Albert Schwietzer's son Dr. Benny Schwietzer was inspired to become a doctor because of his famous father, and while he inherited a lot of skill, he was considered a disgrace to his father's name when he developed the technique for uvula liposuction.  This operation for a time was considered quite a fad in the better to do communities along the West coast.

Ring.

    The next step in uvula alteration was the steroid phase.  Uvula steroids became banned from beauty pageants and athletic events.  There were many scandals involving the body building field, not to mention the Miss America Beauty Pageant.  The overdeveloped uvula was a symbol of good health and beauty, and prosperity.

King.

    The latest in uvula mutilation is uvula piercing.  It is not uncommon these days to walk the streets of Seattle, San Francisco, or New York and come across a person with a ring in their uvula.  Also popular is the barbell and stud.  The Surgeon General has determined, however, that it can be a serious risk to the well-being of those bored enough to have the procedure done.  There is a high risk of choking on ones jewelry, or of food getting lodged in a hoop, cutting off air intake.

    Dear Diary,
It's been a long time since I've written to you (or in you) and I thought I should keep in touch.  I've finally had that surgery I wrote so much about.  You should see me, I'm a completely different person now.  I have just found the greatest expression of self, of individuality.  I got that hanging down thingy in the back of my throat pierced just like all my hard-core friends.  It is so cool.  My parents just don't understand, but I gotta be me.

Jing.

    One of the greatest works of classical literature immortalizes the sacred and scientifically indefatigable uvula.  In the words of the great bard Big Willy, The Great Shakes, the main man himself, William Shakespeare in his sonnet No. 3487:

Oh uvula, oh uvula
How love is your mucus
I am so glad your in my throat
Not hanging from my tuckus
You're slimy wet and shiny red
You make me snore when I'm in bed
Oh uvula, oh uvula
How lovely is your mucus

    Yes, the uvula plays an important part in each and every one of our daily lives.  Without it, we would sure lead empty, meaningless existences.  We would all wither and die, our rotting husks of flesh deflating like an inflatable hermaphroditic pleasure doll with cerebral palsy.  Be kind to your uvula.  Treat it with respect.  Furnish its needs.  Love your uvula and it will love you too.  You have only one, so make it count.

Ping.

    This concludes this session of Your Uvula and You.  Stay tuned for previews from next weeks show, Filmstrip No. 347, Don't be Mean to Your Spleen.  Thank you, and good night.