It is often said that a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. It has always been my thinking that it's very difficult to blow your nose with a bird in your hand. Besides, I don't think birds are very absorbent. Have you ever heard of Tweety, The Quicker Picker Upper? It is often said that the early bird gets the worm. But the early worm gets eaten. Sucks for the worm. I think if I were a worm, I would be a late sleeper. If I were a worm, I would be either a Tequila worm or a Gummi worm. I'm not that picky as long as somebody eats me. So, who likes worms? It is often said that those who can, do, and those who can't, teach, but those who cancan get all the good tips. It is said that to err is human, to forgive is divine. Let's take a divinity test, shall we?
SCENARIO #1: You're at a party bustin' a move on a fly chick and you're
making progress. You're practically probing her lungs with your tongue
when your best friend staggers over to you (interrupting your...uhmm...conversation)
to ask you if he can borrow your car to make another beer run. Now
this fly babe is getting impatient and her attention is drifting.
"More beer sounds peachy," she purrs. If you make the run yourself,
you know someone else will be warming your spot and playing tonsil hockey
with the fly honey when you get back, so you hand over your keys, saying
only, "If you wreck my car I'll kill your mom, your sister, and your grandma,
but not your dad because you don't like him," and he leaves. He wrecks
the car in front of the house you are partying in. He hits the cop
car that was about to bust the party. Your best friend runs in the
house before the cops know what happened and you go out to inspect the
damage. The cops ask you if it is your car and you think about lying,
but your car has personalized license plates, your name specifically.
They think you did it. They know you are drunk and they get you for
disorderly conduct and disturbing the peace. Yup, it was your party.
You're going to jail for a long time, boy, so you go inside to pack a night
bag and when you go into the bathroom to fetch your toothbrush, you catch
your best friend and your fly gal doing nasty things with your shower nozzle.
While you're in jail, your cell-mate Bubba trades you for cigarettes to
the other cons on a regular basis. You're a hot commodity...fresh
fish. So when you get out, do you:
A) Forgive and forget, cause hey, it was just an off night?
B) Forgive, but wear the scars on the inside forever?
C) Kill everyone, then rape them. Not just the people who were
involved, but EVERYONE?
D) Hope Bubba will still love you when he gets out?
E) Try to get on Jerry Springer?
F) Move to Las Vegas and become an Elvis impersonator?
(The correct answer is E and F, but if E falls through, go directly to C)
SCENARIO #2: You go to the dentist because you have a really bad toothache.
In fact, you feel like a supernova is going on in your head. In fact,
you feel like you would be more than willing to crawl up the ass of Satan
himself if it would make the pain go away. So you go to the dentist
after having saved up the small fortune you know will be required just
for the office visit, and you wait in the appropriate named waiting room
for two hours while the dentist has his snack break and flips through the
brochure of the upcoming trip to Europe he's taking courtesy of your previous
check-up. You read all about crowns and NO2 and extractions, trying
to get you mind off the pain, praying for that root canal and liberal doses
of morphine. So finally you get a chair in...(insert ominous music
here)...The Operating Room. The dental hygienist begins to probe
your orifice with delicate little shiny metal instruments of torture and
you are drooling all over the little blue bib and profanities are piling
up in the back of your throat like decomposing bodies in a mass grave and
you want to scream "Get it out of me! Get it out!" but you only gurgle
incoherently. Meanwhile the dental hygienist is asking you questions
like "Where do you work? How long have you worked there? If
you were an encephalopod, what kind of encephalopod would you be?"
If you are lucky, you won't get the dental hygienist that just broke up
with her boyfriend.
Now here comes the dentist with a pair of pliers that looks like something
you'd find in a mechanic's tool box, and in fact you notice a prodigious
amount of black grease encrusted upon it's teeth just before he thrusts
it into your mouth and yanks out a tooth. He neglected to load you
up on morphine before performing this little maneuver. Also, he has
pulled the wrong tooth. "Oops," he says, and this time he pulls the
right one. Still no morphine, though. You scream a lot, and
the dentist most likely believes that you are suffering from Turret's Syndrome
the way you're stringing those cuss words together. After that little
adventure in agony you stagger up to the desk where they are preparing
your bill, and you realize that you are being charged for the extraction
of the wrong tooth, as well as for the morphine they never used.
Do you:
A) Pay the bill and learn to chew your food on the other side of your
mouth?
B) Sedate the dentist and pull all his teeth with a pair of Vise-grips?
C) Punch the dentist and tell the hygienist that you are dating her
ex-boyfriend?
D) Make a break for the door?
E) Punch the hygienist and ask the dentist out on a date, hoping they'll
forget about the bill for a moment?
F) Tell them that you only came in to apply for a job?
G) Try to get on Springer?
H) Run off with all their copies of National Geographics and hold them
for ransom?
I) Shoot them and blame Clinton since everything is his fault anyway?
J) Throw a tantrum until they give you a sucker, preferably a red one?
K) O.D. on Flinstone's Chewable Vitamins right in front of them?
L) Move to Las Vegas and become an Elvis impersonator?
The answer was lost, but there are rumors of a hidden village in a valley in the Himalayas that has spent years meditating on this exact scenario, but my guess is C, G, J, and L.
SCENARIO #3: You're dating your best friend's girlfriend behind his
back when suddenly you discover that you and she are brother and sister.
Do you:
A) Break off the relationship immediately and go to church every weekend,
hoping that God forgives you for what you have done?
B) Break off the relationship, go to church once a month, and hope
God wasn't paying attention?
C) Become a televangelist and pay for you sin because hey, you'll be
rolling in dough, and apparently God takes greenbacks as penance?
D) Try to get on Springer?
E) Write a self-help book entitled "How to get on Springer"?
F) Move to Las Vegas and become an Elvis impersonator because he was
really close with his female relatives too?
G) Say Fuck God and continue with the relationship because hey, she's
damn good in bed and he isn't.
And the correct answer is...Figure this one out on your own!
SCENARIO #4: You are regressing into a past life experience when all
of a sudden you find out that you were Nero, Hitler, Allistaire Crowley,
Jack the Ripper, and Charles Manson, and you're wondering, of all the infamous
villains you have been, why you're a lowly pizza delivery boy with no car
in this one. As you scrape up enough spare change to buy some D-Con
rat poison to kill yourself in a messy and poetic way you realize that
this this whole thing is your mom and dad's fault because they brought
you into this world.
So you:
A) Forgive them because they didn't really mean it. It's just
that they never got their owner's manual.
B) Realize that Charles Manson is still alive and feed the D-Con to
your parents for taking you to that schlock doctor in the first place?
C) Get a job at the Post Office so you can take out your aggressions
on other Postal employees with a fully-automatic carbine?
D) Try to get on Springer?
E) Buy a shiny red tricycle with a banana seat, a basket in the front
for the pizzas, a big orange flag trailing behind it, and a bell?
F) Move to a large city in Nevada, grow lambchop sideburns, slick your
hair back with an entire tube of Brylcreem, gain 140 lbs., purchase a sequined
jumpsuit with very high collars, and pester the Postmaster General until
he issues a commemorative stamp in your honor?
G) Take the D-Con because you are a worthless, lazy pig and you'll
never amount to anything, anyway.
H) Move to a third world country so you can tell everyone there how
wonderful life in the States was?
I) ...I don't know?
J) Just because another letter needed to be here.
K) E Y, why? Because we like you?
M)
O)
U)
S)
E)
It is often said that one must save the best for last, but not
me. I have no best, it just gets worse from here. It is often
said one mustn't throw the baby out with the bath water. I prefer
to boil the bath water with the baby in it. It is often said that
if you love something you should set it free, but what the fuck do they
know? It is often said that if you can't say anything nice, you shouldn't
say anything at all...