The material in this piece you are about to read has been found to be extremely offensive to all women, children, some men, a few small pets, and all old people.  This is a work of fiction and doesn't necessarily jive with the opinions of the author, so the author cannot be held liable.  Personally, I blame television.
    So try to enjoy it, and if you cannot enjoy it, well at least don't kill the author.  Thank you for your understanding.
 

    In this exciting issue of Male Chavinist Review, we'll be taking an in-depth look at chauvinism as a hobby, a religion, and a way of life.  Or a lay of wife.  Marriage is a bad thing.  That is, unless you keep locked up in the basement and only let her out to clean house, cook meals, and the occasional roll in the hay.  Oh, she has to make a damned good cup of coffee, too.  If you do get married and treat your wife like this, keep her away from sharp objects and invest in a cast iron sports cup.  Ever notice how picky women are?
    "No, I don't want to sleep with you," she said.
    "Well why not?" I asked.
    "Because I don't know you, you've just killed my boyfriend, and you haven't even bought me dinner yet!"
    See?  Details, details, details...
    Ah, I remember the very first line I ever used on a woman.  There she was at the end of the bar with her stiletto heels and her rubber microskirt, wearing three tons of make-up and four gallons of hair spray.  I extinguished my cigarette so as not to set her on fire (I was saving that little act for after I got her to my pad) and I said to her "hey, you're a hot babe.  You wanna go back to my place?  I've got an extensive library of porno flicks, and you look like the type of chick who'd be into porno flicks.  In fact, you kinda look like one of the girls in a few of those porno flicks, so wadda say, baby?"  Well, she declined gracefully with a right hook to my chin, and I responded by setting the bitch on fire.  After that, none of the women I cornered dared refuse me.  I just seemed to have a way with them.
    How chauvanistic are you?  Take the test and see for yourself.

Chauvanist Pig Questionnaire

1)  You are on a date with a woman of the opposite sex (don't ask how, just pretend becuase even chauvanist pigs get the occasional date), and you got stuck driving.  You arrive at the restaurant.  What do you do?
    a)  Get out and open the car door for her.
    b)  Get out and wait for her to get out, with your arm out to escort her to the restaurant.
    c)  Wait for her to get out and open the car door for you.
    d)  Get out and make your way directly to the restaurant, hoping she'll catch up eventually.
    e)  Get out, open her door, wait for her to get her legs out and then slam the door on them, laughing wildly.
 

2)  If your answer to the previous question was (e), do you:

    a)  Feel a twinge of guilt and drive her to the hospital?
    b)  Give her directions to the hospital and let her drag herself there because hey, you've got reservations for this fancy place and you're not going to waste them.
    c)  Help her into the restaurant because whether she knows it or not, she's paying.
    d)  Knock her over the head, take her money, take advantage of her unconscious body 'cause hey, even if she does come to, she can't run anywhere, then toss her in the dumpster and go have a fancy dinner at her expense.
 

3)  Somehow you manage to get a woman into your apartment, which is a pig stye because no self-respecting male chauvinist pig would do housework (that's women's work) and you toss a few drinks down her throat.  She's a wee bit tipsy, because women can't hold their liquor, and you've shown her your entire collection of Village People 8-tracks, your Beavis and Butthead portfolio, your collection of beer bottle caps with a history of which bar each one came from, your extensive assortment of sex toys, oils, and flavored condoms, and you've made many passes that she has politely, yet firmly, refused.  What do you do?

    a)  Offer to drive her home because in her condition she is likely to get into an accident and you wouldn't want anything to happen to her.
    b)  Call her a frigid bitch and send her packing.
    c)  Toss a few more drinks down her throat and hope she changes her mind because you still haven't shown her your shark bite (which is actually a scar from that drunk driving accident you were in about 2 years ago) and women find that sort of thing sexy.
    d)  Convince her to clean your apartment becuase it really is a pig mess and you won't let her drive home in her condition.
    e)  Tell her she has two choices:  She can either sleep with you or clean your apartment.  After she is done cleaning your apartment, slip her some more alcohol until she passes out, then take advantage of her unconscious body.
 

4)  Let's say that somehow you manage to get a woman into your bed and have sex with her (pretend she is a willing participant).  How do you handle the situation?

    a)  Do your best to satisfy her because sex should be as much giving as taking.
    b)  Put a lot of effort into the process and hope she gets off too.
    c)  Go until you shoot, then give her a kiss, roll over and to go sleep.
    d)  Go until you shoot, grunt apologetically and fall asleep on top of her.
    e)  Work yourself into a frenzy of uninhibitted lust and ejaculate all over youself before she undoes the second hook of her bra, grunting like an ape, and then roll over and fall asleep, muttering something that sounds like "now clean my apartment, bitch."
 

5)  Okay, you've spent the evening with a woman of the opposite sex (just pretend, okay?)  and it is now the following day.  You're at work gathered around the water cooler with your masculine, chauvinist friends.  They're all talking about their weekend escapades in lavish detail and ask you what you did over the weekend.  What do you say?

    a)  "I spent the weekend with a lovely woman and had a fabulous time.  Please don't press me for details, a true gentleman never kisses and tells."
    b)  "I had a romantic weekend with a beautiful woman.  We screwed a lot."
    c)  "I picked up this chick.  I did her."
    d)  "I met this chick at the bar, right?  She had tits the size of watermelons, no shit!  So I wheel her back to my place and ball her like nobody's business, right?  Next morning she cooks me breakfast, she begs me to let her stay.  She wanted to fuckin' move in with me, right?  So I told her 'hey, I'm a young stud, I can't settle down yet.  There are too many chicks out there that ain't had a piece of this yet, you know?'  So she starts cryin', mascara runnin' everywhere, so I'm thinkin' 'hey, I'll be a nice guy.'  I tell her she was great, I give her a five dollar tip, I even call her a fuckin' cab.  Un-fucking-believable, right?"
    e)  "This gorgeous chick picks me up at the bar, right?  Only she ain't no cheap floozy.  This is a classy broad.  Fur coat, diamond jewelry, fancy perfume.  She's got a fuckin' limo waiting outside right?  No shit.  So we get in the back of the limo and it's got a fuckin' mirror on the ceiling, can you fuckin' believe it?  We get in and she's all over me, rippin' off my shirt, tearin' my pants down, right?  She takes off her fur and she's wearing a leather peak-a-boo teddy, no shit.  She ties me up and plays with me for a while, only she can't take it for very long, she's gotta have me in control, so I ride her like the stallion dat I am, and by the time I'm done, she can't fuckin' move, right?  She offers to give me a grand for my 'services' and I turned her down.  I said 'hey babe, I don't need your fuckin' money you cheap, sleazy bitch.'  After I said that, she begged for more.  I couldn't get her to shut up, right?  It turned her on, no shit.  Then I slapped her.  Big mistake.  I couldn't get the bitch off me, she kept beggin' for more.  Damn psycho bitch.  You gotta keep women in their place."
 

    If you answered a) to all of these questions, you're a wimp!  Of course women are going to like you!  The way they like kittens, you moron!
    If you answered b) to all these questions, well maybe there's hope for you yet.  If you grow some balls, that is.
    If you answered c) to all these questions, you're definitely getting there.  Just a little more effort and you too can be a highly proficient chauvinist.
    If you answered d) to all of these questions, congratulations.  You are definitely a high grade chauvinist pig.  Keep up the good work.
    If you answered e) to all of these questions, you are a supreme asshole.  Join the Marines so you can be amongst friends.  Stay away from solcial gatherings and seek professional help.  And stop having sexual fantasies about your mother, sicko.