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{{ tales from the lunatic fringe }}
{{ the thirty-first day of may, nineteen hundred and ninety-nine }}
A sneeze travels at over 100 mph.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. [bird brain!]
In Freeport, Michigan, a shopping cart has been placed against a poison oak tree.
DETAIL: This is one of the more devious abuses we have documented. This cart was deliberately placed against a poison oak tree. It is feared the poison oak may have spread from the tree to the cart, foiling the most concerted rescue. To make matters worse, trees in the area have been giving rashes to people attempting to get near the cart.
PROFILE: The type of person who is capable of such an act is usually a person we never suspect. Think of someone on your block, imagine yourself with a news team on your lawn and you're saying, "He was such a quiet neighbor". Seem possible? That's probably who we are after.
The above item courtesy and copyright http://www.shoppingcartabuse.com
A tiger killed one man and mauled another at the Calcutta zoo yesterday when they tried to put a marigold garland around its neck in a New Year's greeting. Prakesh Tiwari, the dead man, and Suresh Rai had been drinking before they bought the floral garlands and crossed the moat around the tiger's enclosure, authorities said.
"I was shocked to see the two young men weaving about in front of a tiger with garlands in their hands," said Rakesh Banerjee, who witnessed the attack that triggered panic and a near stampede in the zoo.
The men, both in their 20's, were trying to put the garland on a 13-year old male Royal Bengal tiger named "Shiva" after the Hindu god of destruction [ironic, isn't it?! - Ed.].
When Rai threw the garland around Shiva's neck, the tiger attacked him. His friend Tiwari intervened, kicking the tiger on the butt. The tiger released Rai, and attacked and killed Tiwari.
"I saw it all; the tiger turned and jumped on the other young man and put its head on the man's neck, and within moments, the man was apparently dead, his head dangling", Banerjee said.
POINTS TO PONDER: Alcohol and tigers don't mix.
Moats are placed around animal enclosures not only to keep dangerous animals in, but also to keep stupid people out.
Shiva is an appropriate name for a Royal Bengal tiger.
Maybe Shiva was allergic to marigolds [they should have tried a lotus instead].
MORAL: Kicking a tiger [on the butt], especially one named after a god of destruction, will definitely get you killed.
Get ready for a scary, breathless flight into the mysteries of the worldwide conspiracy of alien breeding, bizarre virus production, unmarked tanker trucks, and sinister African bees.
Unexplained phenomena abound in the film. UFOs, alien-human hybrid monsters, prehistoric men, strange cornfields, and black helicopters populate the world of this X-Files movie. The plot revolves around a master plan to infect the entire globe with a virus that is not of this world, and yet of this world.
But two FBI agents in charge of the X-Files are on the job; the characters of Dana Scully [Gillian Anderson] and Fox Mulder [David Duchovny, awarded the most over-educated actor Oscar] take on their investigations and interpersonal tensions with lots of smarts and deadpan humor. Besides regulars including Skinner, the Cigarette-Smoking Man, the Well-Manicured Man and the [three] Lone Gunmen, you will find Martin Landau playing Alvin Kurtzweil, a friend of Mulder's father who offers Mulder inside information.
POINTS TO PONDER: Avoid contact with any form of bees [you never know, the way things go in the movie, you might get something to the tune of HIV].
Don't even think about getting close to Cornfields, unless you want to be stalked by a horde of *aggravating* big black helicopters which are very clattery [does such a word actually exist ?].
If you see any dome like structures which are white in colour and the door is left open, *don't* go inside - these are used to house something like a billion African bees [no, just because I'm repeating the A word does *not* mean I'm a racist, Mr. Fuhrman].
Fire Prevention Expert Tamara Meredith. She wanted more money from her job so she grabbed the bull by the horns, so to speak, and began starting fires all over the place to earn overtime.
She is accused of setting nearly three dozen fires around the Tiller Ranger District in southwest Oregon.
Good thing she was an expert, though, because she managed to burn only about 250 acres.
I guess we can breathe easier knowing she wasn't the city's forensic expert.
The above item copyright and courtesy of http://www.bonehead.oddballs.com
{o} CRATE RESEARCH AND APPLICATION PROJECT [C.R.A.P]
http://vzone.virgin.net/sizzling.jalfrezi/slate/crate/
A lot of us have seen plastic crates lying all over the place, but we can't do anything but let them lie there. Here's the solution to our woes - A Web site that demonstrates the use of plastic or wooden crates in day-to-day life.
{o} THE DORK ZONE
http://www.edork.com
This site is a portal for dorks - they have dork interns, amazing gadgets for dorks and lots of other cool stuff. Very dorky [god, I'm so *witty*].
An inside source quotes Emma ["Baby" Spice] as saying, "Geri felt really wicked, about leaving us? So she tried to get us a flock of effective replacements."
First it was Jayalalitha [good grief!]. God, what a horrible dancer, can't say much about the looks either. Sonia Gandhi, Phoolan Devi...the list went on, but they were all turned away.
But they quite like this new girl. She used to work as an intern for this newsletter some time back, till she became an intern in the White House. Quite an enticing person, really. Her name evades me now, but she's got a lot of fortitude, and she's told us in an exclusive interview, that she wants to go by the name "Oral" Spice.
{o} 3-year-old John Mclain [name changed], Philadelphia, PA, was left home alone last week. At about 9:30 a.m., the frightened and crying boy pushed out the screen of an open window. Then he fell from the apartment, bounced off an air conditioner protruding from a second floor window and landed on a narrow strip of grass. After hitting the ground Lateef amazingly got up, began to cry and started walking around. He was later released from a local hospital with just a minor larceration.
Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a new toaster.
You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still have to pay for it anyway.
Toaster 95 would weigh 15,000 pounds [hence requiring a reinforced steel countertop], it would draw enough electricity to power a small city, and take up 95% of space in your kitchen.
It would claim to be the first toaster that lets you control how dark or light you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other kitchen appliances to find out who made them.
Everyone would hate Microsoft Toasters, but nonetheless buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters.
And that's all for this week, folks. Till next time - keep laughing!
- The TFLF team {o}
Copyright 1999 HITG Inc.
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
