~* "La Piraja" *~ Full Cast: Gooey/Pandora Sally the Drunken Truck Driver Randy Roddy the Castrotti who knows Karate Mr. Jones Mr. Smith Flack Mr. Machmoomuhammed-ishpan Dr. Murkwurkdigliebe Dr. Pornographis Scrotum Bill Josephus the Midget Steve Long Dong Silver Barnacle Bill Captain Pirate Violent Chang Malicious Chibi Expendable Tai Long Wench Stumpy Pete Sara Snorkel Dude The Flasher Milkman Dan the Male Lactation Man WienerBrow U.N. Ambassador Brazillian Ambassador Russian Technician Greg Crowe Pirate #1 Pirate #2 Father Mother Daughter Fat Lobster Man Lobster Man Two Guards Lab Worker Chippendales Debauchery Ned Gambling Pirate #1 Gambling Pirate #2 Gambling Pirate #3 Nasty Pirate Prostitute #1 Nasty Pirate Prostitute #2 Nasty Pirate Prostitute #3 Nasty Pirate Gigolo #1 Nasty Pirate Gigolo #2 Stupid Pirate Hussy Ninja Goon #1 Ninja Goon #2 Ninja Goon #3 Elderly Pirate Grandma Reporter #1 Scene Appendix ------------------------------------------------------------------ ------------------------------------------------------------------ Introduction Scene I: The Fated Woods of the Dew Worms Scene II: Gooey Wanders the Streets Scene III: Sally's Place Scene IV: Young Pandora's Childhood Montage Scene V: 10 Years Later Scene VI: In Struts Scrotum Bill Scene VII: Suits Scene VIII: Back to that Mysterious Man with his Scrotum in the Wheelbarrow Scene IX: Normals Scene X: The Pirate Bar "Debauchery Ned's" Scene XI: Ambush Scene XII: Ninja Press Conference Scene XIII: Pandora Sneaks off Scene XIV: The Offices of Machmoomuhammed-ishpan and Associates Scene XV: Scrotum Bill's Fortress of BenGay Scene XVI: She's a Wench! Scene XVII: Pirates Attack in the Night Scene XVIII: A Bounty on my Head and Dan's Furious Nipples Scene XIX: Storming the Bastille Scene XX: Catharsis Discography ------------------------------------------------------------------ ------------------------------------------------------------------ Scene V: "I am so Lonely" Scene VI: "Scrotum Bill's First Song" Scene VII: "Pirate and Ninja DNA Just Don't Splice" Scene XV: "Fortress of BenGay Theme" Scene XVI: "She's a Wench" Scene XIX: "Scrotum Bill's Country Anthem" Introduction ------------------------------------------------------------------ ------------------------------------------------------------------ Narrator - The year is 1969. The world as we knew it was engulfed in a terrible war. The turmoil between Brazil and the rest of the world escalated to the breaking point. <"Triumph of the Will" footage insert> Narrator - Both sides deadlocked; they had no other alternative but to launch their secret weapons upon their enemies... Brazil and its "Ahoy Matey" missile and the rest of the world with its "Ninja Bomb of Death". Unfortunately, our Russian allies made a grievous error... Russian Technician - (subtitled) Shit. Narrator - The dreaded "Ahoy Matey" missile and its ninja counterpart changed the face of humanity as we knew it. Innocent civilians across the globe turned into pirates or ninjas. Narrator - It was inevitable that a violent rivalry would arise between pirate and ninja. Why you may ask? Because they're pirates and ninjas. What are you? Stupid? Pirate - Nyargh! 'Tis a trap! Pirate #2 - Nyargh! So, you think that's funny, eh matey? Nyargh! Ha-HAR! Narrator - Which brings us to the saviour of us all. "La Piraja", whose courage and determination finally brought the pirate-ninja war to a bloody close. Now sit back and relax as Pandora reveals her amazing story. "La Piraja", the Pirate-Ninja! Scene I: The Fated Woods of the Dew Worms ------------------------------------------------------------------ ------------------------------------------------------------------ Stumpy Pete - Shh! Shh! Quick, this way! Sara - Where are we going, Darling? Stumpy Pete - Over here! Over here! Hurry! Sara - Do we really have to do this? Abandoning our only daughter? Stumpy Pete - Nyargh! Pirates don't cry! Nyargh! That was my good one, too! Sara - Stumpy Pete - This looks like a good spot. Sara - Will I ever see you again? Stumpy Pete - For your sake, I hope not. <"Cape Fear" music> Pandora - They left me for dead in a hole in the ground. It was then that I was at my most vulnerable. Pandora - (voice over) Then the dew worms came. Pandora - (voice over) They showed me their ways. Pandora - (voice over) They called me "Gooey". My happy childhood days would soon come to a close. Unaware that even among the ranks of the worms, there was turmoil. Pandora - (voice over) Abandoned and confused, I forgot what my worm siblings had taught me. I became a savage. Wild and out of control, I had to hunt big game to survive. Scene II: Gooey Wanders the Streets ------------------------------------------------------------------ ------------------------------------------------------------------ Pandora - (voice over) Wandering the night, my life would take an auspicious turn in the form of Sally. The Drunken Truck Driver. Sally - Hey there darlin', what's a purdy little thing like you doing in these here parts? Young Pandora - Sally - Whoa nelly! That's sure some funny talkin' there, missy! Young Pandora - Sally - Whoa nelly! Young Pandora - Sally - Move over, Steve. Steve - Okay. Scene III: Sally's Place ------------------------------------------------------------------ ------------------------------------------------------------------ Randy - Randy - Hi, Dad. Hi, Steve. Steve - Hey. Randy - Who's that? Sally - (to Young Pandora) You know, what -is- your name? Young Pandora - Sally - That's a head-scratcher. Randy - Hungry? I made some noodles. Steve - I made the bed. Sally - Thanks Steve. Steve - No problem. Steve - What? Sally - Uh... nevermind. Steve - Well, I'm going to leave now. Do you want me to pick you up anything? Menthols? Marshmallow? Sally - No thanks. Steve - Okay. See ya! Randy - I wanted a marshmallow... Scene IV: Young Pandora's Childhood Montage ------------------------------------------------------------------ ------------------------------------------------------------------ Scene V: 10 Years Later ------------------------------------------------------------------ ------------------------------------------------------------------ Sally - Come here for a second, Pandora. I have to talk to ya. Pandora - Yes, pa. Sally - Oh Pandora! You have grown up so much, this is so hard for me to say... Pandora - What's the matter, pa? Sally - I think you're old enough to hear this. I found you. Out on the highway. You tried to eat my truck... Steve was there too. Steve - Are you sure you don't want this umbrella? Sally - No, we're fine Steve. Flipper Dude - Look at those two over there. Sally must really love Pandora to tell her that. Cardboard Bus - Beep beep! Flipper Dude - Oops! There's my ride. See you all later! Sally - Pandora! Wait! Come back here! Pandora - No! This can't be true! Pandora's Song "I am so Lonely" It can't be true, this cant be possible. My family, or so I thought, must be full of bull I am Pandora, daughter of Sally Sister of Randy, a good friend of Stevie Yet I am alone Under this tree, I will keep weeping. Be cause I'm afraid, Because he was keeping. The truth of my life, my family tree, my roots and my background, hidden from me And I am Alone I must be brave through this, I must try. To gather my thoughts, and try not to cry. Accept myself, accept my past. Movin' on forward, step by step... And not be alone Mom... Dad... I'm coming to find you! Scene VI: In Struts Scrotum Bill ------------------------------------------------------------------ ------------------------------------------------------------------ Pandora - Wh-what is that sound? "Scrotum Bill's First Tune" (Shaft) Who's that unattractive Caucasian male dragging round them nads? "Bill!" Scrotum Bill Sure, kinda looks like he's got elephantiasis. But he doesn't "Bill!" Can you dig it? Ain't no ice-pack big enough to ease the pain of them balls "Bill!" Ooh, baby He's packing fifty pounds of meat between his knees "Bill!" Uh-huh If you mess with Scrotum Bill, he's gonna blow his load... your way Scene VII: Suits ------------------------------------------------------------------ ------------------------------------------------------------------ Mr. M - Mr. Jones. Mr. Smith. Hey Steve. Steve - Hey. Mr. M - Report. Mr. Smith - Sir. Follow me. You too, Steve. Steve - Okay. Mr. M - How goes our... project? Mr. Jones - See for yourself. Mr. M - Mr. Jones - Um... Sorry sir. Wrong experiment. That's a little something we're doing on the side. Guards - Mr. Smith - Over here, sir. I believe you know our research department head, Dr. Murkwurkdigliebe. Lobster Man Two - A pleasure as always, sir. Dr. Murkwurkdigliebe - Um... I'm right here. Mr. Smith - Then who's this? Lobster Man Two - Mr. Jones - We have an escaped prisoner... Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Yes. I love you too. Dr. Murkwurkdigliebe - And you all remember my assistant, Dr. Pornographis? Dr. Pornographis - Mmhmm. Mr. Jones -