October 22nd
My quote of the day!
"so many sheep i quit counting, sleepless and embarrassed about the way that i feel. trying to make mole hills out of mountains, building base camp at the bottom of a really big deal.."
-- ani difranco
My thoughts....
Well...once again i'm having a horrible nite. I don't know what to do with myself these days. I always give my
friend a hard time cuz he always hides his emotions. If he's upset, he acts happy and jokes around to cover it
up and i hate that. But i've been watching myself these last couple weeks, and i'm just as bad as he is. I mean,
i don't find the need to hide my feelings from others, but i have noticed myself faking happiness. Cuz i know i'm
not happy. I feel pretty worthless. I know that's horrible to say, but it's true. I feel like nothing i do is good
enough. It used to be i always tried to live up to my parents's expectations..but now i don't know who i'm trying
to live up to...me, i guess. I never really had high standards for myself..i know that's awful to say, but it's
true. I never cared too much about grades or doing what was right. Now i just can't seem to do what i want. I can't
make things turn out like i want them to. And i hate that. Last semester, i didn't have these problems, but now
i kinda wish i had. I wish that my actions meant as much to me then as they do now. I don't regret everything i
did last semester, but i do kinda feel angry with myself for allowing myself to get in certain situations, but
i know there's nothing i can do about that now...that's the past, and there's no reason dwelling on it. But i can't
seem to help it...i have this problem with dwelling on the bad stuff. And it just depresses me...it never brings
me anything but pain, but i can't help it. There are specific things that are bothering me...boys, classes, my
writing...the list goes on. Before, atleast when i was upset, i could write, and the stuff always came out slightly
decent. But lately i've felt like it's going away...the talent i thought i had feels like it's quickly depleting,
and that's the only thing i feel like i have. My one talent, the one thing i have that i can feel good about myself.
I feel like i've got nothing else. And the thought of losing that, of not being able to write, terrifies me. Cuz
i've got nothing else. Nothing to fall back on...i can't lose that...i can't. I don't know what i'd do without
it. My life would feel meaningless. And that's how it's been feeling lately, like i don't matter...nothing i do
matters and i hate that. There has to be some kinda meaning for me...i can't not matter...to anything or anyone.
But that's how i feel. I feel lost, and it's hard for me to admit that my writing means that much to me, but it
does. It's everything. It's all i have, and if i lose that, i don't know what i'm going to do. Okay...anyway, i'm
gonna go to bed..it's late. G'nite all...sorry if i depressed you! :)