Why English is so difficult to learn
Added 7/27/00 -- Joe Diorio deserves thanks for this one.
Reasons Why The English Language Is Hard To Learn:
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was
time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
New Corporate LexiconOccasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining.
Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."
After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
From a Southwest Airlines employee...."Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.
In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, margarine cups will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face.
If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child...pick your favorite.
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."
Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."
"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or other adults acting like children."
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
"Last one off the plane must clean it."
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight...!"
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants 'fault...it was the asphalt!"
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile,and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."
BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.
CHAINSAW CONSULTANT: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count, leaving the top brass with clean hands.
CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.
IDEA HAMSTERS: People who always seem to have their idea generators running.
MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
SQUIRT THE BIRD: To transmit a signal to a satellite.
STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
TOURISTS: People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists.
TREEWARE: Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.
XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies form one's workplace.
ALPHA GEEK: The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group.
ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
CHIPS & SALSA: Chips = hardware, Salsa = software. "Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem's in your chips or your salsa.
FLIGHT RISK: Used to describe employees who are suspected ofplanning to leave a company or department soon.
GOOD JOB: A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" Job. A well paying job people take inorder to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the heck out ofan electronic device to get it to work again.
UNINSTALLED: Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voice mail ofa vice president at a down sizing computer firm: "You have reached the number of an Uninstalled Vice President. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance. *(Syn: decruitment.)
VULCAN NERVE PINCH: The taxing hand position required to reach allthe appropriate keys for certain commands. For instance, the arm re-boot for a Mac II computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control key, the Command Key, the Return Key, and the Power Onkey.
SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.
CLM: Career Limiting Move - Used among micro serfs to describeill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.
ADMINISHPERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
DILBERTED: To be exploited and oppressed by your boss.
404: Someone who's clue less. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located. "Don't bother asking him . . . he's 404, man."
OHNOSECOND: That minuscule, eternal fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.
* * *
- (around a picture of dandelions): I Fought the Lawn and the Lawn Won.
- So Few Men, So Few Who Can Afford Me.
- I Suffer Occasional Delusions of Adequacy.
- God Made Us Sisters, Prozac Made Us Friends.
- If They Don't Have Chocolate In Heaven, I Ain't Going.
- At My Age, I've Seen It All, Done It All, Heard It All...I Just Can't Remember It All.
- My Mother Is A Travel Agent For Guilt Trips.
- I Just Do What The Voices Inside My Head Tell Me To Do.
- (Worn by a pregnant woman) A Man Did This To Me, Oprah.
- If It's Called Tourist Season, Why Can't We Hunt Them?
- Senior Citizen: Give Me My Damn Discount.
- Princess, Having Had Sufficient Experience With Princes, Seeks Frog.
- No, It Doesn't Hurt (on a "well-tattooed gentleman").
- (on the back of a passing motorcyclist): If You Can Read This, My Wife Fell Off.
- I Used To Be Schizophrenic, But We're OK Now.
- (Over the outline of the state of Minnesota):My Governor Can Beat Up Your Governor.
- Veni, Vedi, Visa: I came. I Saw. I Did a Little Shopping.
- What If The Hokey Pokey Is Really What It's All About.
- I Didn't Climb to the Top of the Food Chain to Be a Vegetarian
- (on the Front): Yale Is Just One Big Party (on the back): With a $25,000 Cover Charge.
- Coffee, Chocolate, Men... Some Things re Just Better Rich.
- Liberal Arts Major... Will Think For Money.
- Growing Old is Inevitable; Growing Up is Optional
- IRS--Be Audit You Can Be.
- Gravity...It's Not Just a Good Idea. It's the Law.
- If You Want Breakfast In Bed, Sleep In the Kitchen.
- Wanted: Meaningful Overnight Relationship.
- The Old Pro...Often Wrong...Never In Doubt.
- If At First You Don't Succeed, Skydiving Isn't For You.
- Old Age Comes at a Bad Time.
- In America, Anyone Can Be President; That's One of the Risks You Take.
- First Things First, but Not Necessarily in That Order.
1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right fore-finger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Doulton figures from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Throw Tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
13) Tie cats front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed, force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour a pint of water down throat to wash pill down.
14) Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call at furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15) Arrange for SPCA to collect cat and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
"Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with."
--Author Unknown The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it.
-- Ann Bancroft Any husband who says "My wife and I are completely equal partners" is talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge.
-- Bill Cosby Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
-- Benjamin Franklin My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
-- Henny Youngman My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
-- Rodney Dangerfield A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
-- Milton Berle I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
-- George Burns What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds.
--Cindy Garner When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.
-- Elaine Boosler Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
-- Phyllis Diller My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.
--Rita Rudner The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
-- Henny Youngman People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman.
-- Erma Bombeck
This was an "Actual Question" given on a University of Washington chemistry midterm.
"Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with proof."
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time.So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume That once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for temperature and the pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until All Hell breaks loose.
2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan during my Freshman year, "That it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in that area, then (2) cannot be true, and so Hell is exothermic.
This student got the only A.
