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there is a pain in my chest. something in my chest hurts. what is it? could it be... could i have a heart? how funny. after all this time, who'd have guessed? hemlock finally left damiana. and then i slept with him. now she's told everyone she can that he cheated on her with me. apparently she thought they were still together. apparently him kicking her out of his house and telling her he was leaving her didn't get through to her in any way. damiana says the idea of hemlock sleeping with me is disgusting to her. it makes her nauseous. which is funny. i think she must have a very poor memory. she wasn't at all disgusted by me when she and i slept together. she was very, very far from disgusted. never underestimate the combined power of denial and repression. i miss her though. you'd think for me to do something that i knew would hurt her as much as it did that i'd have to not care about her at all. it's not true. i still care for her. it's just that i'm in love with hemlock. to reject him would be just... inconceivable. i can't even grasp the idea. (maybe if he didn't love me back i might have been able to. but he does love me. and he won't take it back, not with a million screams and cries and pleas that he only love her and not love me. it's the first time i can remember that he hasn't backed down when she's told him to.) i don't feel guilty. i don't regret anything. but i'm sad anyways. and i miss her. (goodbye again, damiana) |