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"Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance." Will DurantI had my first final today- French- at 8 fricking a.m., even the teacher wasn't awake yet. (Why is it that the hard ones tend to be scheduled on the first Sat. at 8 am? That's when I had my atmospheric sci final last quarter, and I bombed it.) Oddly enough, I didn't feel like I did badly. Which probably means that I got a D (that's been my experience this quarter). But hey, at least I don't ever have to take a language again in my life!!!! So now I'm still rather tired, yet can't sleep. So that's kinda why I'm cranky.
Yesterday I was a good girl- I was tempted to spend a few hours doing a post, but I didn't. Okay, so I was surfing diaries or some crap for hours, but that's beside the point! What can I say, studying isn't my thing. I was dumb enough to go to the bookstore and spend all last night reading the book instead of studying, and now I don't have to study until tomorrow, but have nothing new to read. Brilliant move there. Then again, finals week is like that- total nonactivity that you're supposed to fill with a dull activity, while all the while you're daydreaming of leaving. Heck, people are already packing up to leave around here. Geez, how'd they manage it, this is the first day of finals! It gets very dull on finals weeks, and I wish I could leave. I'd love to go back to the bookstore, but I really shouldn't go broke before next week's homecoming (the parents want to go to SF- see some tower or something I never heard of. Yawn. Ooh, creepy flashback- i just remembered the time we all went to SF a year ago (yesterday), when The Moron had wanted to go out with me the day before, but I had a math final, and then he kept whining about how he wanted to go to SF too but he had to work. Story of his life.). But it's hard, since I really want to do some shopping- there's 2 more books I want to buy.
However, if I had done a post, this is about what I would have put up here. But I put it on the Surfboard instead.
WARNING: LOTS OF RAMBLING
It's a gorgeous day outside. With no classes. I have only two things to do: take back my fridge and study for French.
Only my roommate's taking awhile to get ready to haul back the fridge (I have to wait around inside until she's ready), and I don't want to study French. I am not very interested in French. Haven't been for quite a while (and my test grades show it).
So far today I have:
What do I want to do:
I am very envious of all my friends (except for Anna whose last day is today) (Anna's off the Web for months! Hmmm, let's see what I can say about her now that she can't read it . . . (the TYRANT OF CYBERSPACE is back, Demma!) did I ever mention how she mooned the faculty during graduation? Oh, okay, she didn't, take away my fun, won't ya.) being out of school already- yet I still don't want to go home. And I'm already missing everyone I hang out with this year, because I doubt I'll see them much after this week. (Interesting thing about this- Elena's friend Jenna was over last night crying about the same thing. I agree with her. I like the people I've hung out with this year, but I know damn well I won't see them again other than waving on campus. After Sarah dropped out, we don't hang out much anymore, and it sucks. And it really bums me out- then again, what would we do, write? What do we all have in common enough to write about anyway? But it still sucks that I won't see anyone (well, hopefully Sarah) here anymore. I wanted to get a group picture of us, but that won't happen since Michelle's moving out tonight and Lisa went off to S.F. Grrrr. As for Lisa, I know damn well I won't see her again period, maybe I'll hear from her on e-mail if I'm lucky. God, I miss having a gang of friends instead of people strewn out all over the place. Heck, I'll even miss the seniors in my clubs. I had a dream that Katie (English club advisor) died, and I was completely bummed. And shoot, it's not like I've known her too long, or will ever see her again either (senior). Okay, enough on this one, or I'll start bawling.)
Also, I've been feeling this urge, which has probably resulted from watching too much Buffy- watching this chick that's slightly smaller than me kick vampire ass every week- I'm now thinking, "Hey, why can't I do that?" I'm tired of being a skinny little weakling, why can't I kick some ass?
So I was looking up stuff on martial arts, but I'm not sure that's exactly for me- I can't meditate (my mind does not shut off!!!) and deal with all the non-physical stuff that they think is important. And even I know I just can't come in and go, "I don't care about respecting people, I just wanna kick 'em." Maybe I should just take plain self-defense.
And then there's the wheels debate. No, I'm not discussing cars here. I still hate biking (as I have since I was six) and don't want to bring my icky bike to campus (I don't also want to worry about theft). But I'm moving to a building that's farther away (if I can't take the bus it'd be maybe a 40-45 min. walk, since I always have classes on the far edge of campus). I hate Rollerblades (and don't want to have to change shoes every 10 minutes like they do), so I was thinking of either digging up my old scooter- I've seen a few of those on campus- (although I'll have to worry about theft again- then again, it's hot pink, who'd want it) or taking up skateboarding (which I know nothing about), which is at least portable. Or maybe I should just get a pogo stick (kidding). What I really want is a hoverboard from Back to the Future . . . but somehow I can't see that happening. =(
Well, that's enough rambling for the time being. If any of y'all have suggestions on how to beat people up or alternate methods of personal transportation, let me know, and thanks for listening (if you've gotten this far, anyway).
Eaten<,br>
Surfed the boards
E-mailed
Gotten the mail
Tried to go swimming in the pool (but it was freezing cold, dirty, and there were cigarrette butts)
Hunted for ice (I'm trying to stock my cooler since they're taking my fridge- there is NONE in the dorms)
Showered
Tried to add a PE class (but all of them were filled up) (I was trying to add judo into my schedule- see lower down for why)
TRIED to study- read one chapter while eating lunch, took notes on the grammar.
Anything else but what I'm supposed to be doing.
I keep thinking about things that I can't do anything about for ages. Like I'm trying to work on the lit mag and a new humor mag at school (well, I sent e-mails and got quickie responses), and I keep thinking, "Is is rude to ask if I'm getting paid for this?" My guess is "Probably no $", but if they are paid I would be very happy and it would shut my parents up!!!(I heard back from the spoof mag- he seemed to really want editors (well, maybe) and managerial people (no way)more, but whatever, said he'd get back to me- well, let's hope so. Anyway, I read his page and it was hilarious.
Random thought I had in the DC today: When you think about it, the dorm lifestyle is completely against nature. I mean, think about it: Ages 0-18 you live in a fully equipped house or apartment, where you cook or are cooked for, and occasionally go out to eat. Ages 20-marriage you live in an apartment or house where you cook or go out to eat. Marriage-death/rest home you live in an apartment or house where you are either cooked for (if you're a man) or cook (if you're a woman. And before you get on me about stereotypes I've read stuff saying that women DO do more work then men in a house, ESPECIALLY after having kids. See why I don't wanna get married?). But ages 18-20 (well, most people, fortunately not me) you must fit all of your worldly possessions into half of a small room, constantly go out to eat (if you're saying, "Why is this a pain?"- well, you try deciding between hunger pains and pouring rain for weeks. It gets to "I'd rather starve then go out there again!" Not to mention that you can't work or watch TV while you eat, something I've done for years.), have to go down a far hall or to another floor to use the restroom, which is like the women's locker room in high school (remember how you didn't want to shower in there 'cause everyone would see you?). And when you're "home", there's nowhere else to hang out. Icky. The one cool thing about dorms though is the openness- you can't just walk into your neighbor's apartment/house and hang out watching their TV for an hour. When they're not home. I do like that, even though I don't use it as much as I did when Sarah was around. But when you compare dorm life to real life, it's completely odd. Same with rest homes, except by then everyone's senile and no longer knows better. (And for your information, I have been forced to visit about five rest homes, and everyone there WAS senile. Made me nauseous.) Hotels are odd too in that they have no living room (most of them) or place to cook- but at least the bathroom is attached, you don't need bedpans, and you can call room service. But then again, you're only in them for a few days, so who cares?
Being as bored as I am, I was surfing the Web (geez, and to think I used to turn on the tube when I was bored), going through online diaries and links from them. Anyway, it's amazing, some of the similarities I found between others' and mine. So here we go:
The first one's not a diary, it's from a link from one. Guys, you might want to skip this area, because it's on "feminine hygeine" (isn't that a stupid phrase?). As usual, links are below:
A decade later, Mary McGee Williams and Irene Kane took up this line of argument with a vengeance in On Becoming a Woman (New York: Dell Publishing, 1958; some thrift stores for not very much money). Employing the just-between-us-girls technique we've already observed, the authors ask, "So what's so joyful? Well, let's stop and think what menstruation . . . means." Which sounds oh-so-cozy, except that what it means, according to Williams and Kane, "is that for perhaps the first time in your active, tomboy life, you must accept that you are a girl":
For most girls, this acceptance is an exciting, who-wouldn't-want-to-be kind of thing, something you've looked forward to since you saw your mother nursing a baby brother, or dreamed about a kitchen of your own, or imagined yourself a well-loved wife . . . . (GAG ME. Who wouldn't want to be a mother? Me me me me me!!!! And for the record, I don't have a baby brother, and becoming a cow doesn't look fun. Okay, I will admit to dreaming of a kitchen of my own, but this has only been since I moved into a dorm and it's not so easy to do that ready-bake pizza, and I hate DC food. I do NOT dream of doing any cooking not from a package or mix in my kitchen. However, I have spent a lot of time dreaming of having my own mansion- does that count? And as for imagining myself as a well-loved wife . . . HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! Okay, I can't even imagine myself as a wife period, and when I've tried all I can realistically imagine is settling for some pathetic nerd and being grossed out when he touches me, or as a bitchy hausfrau slapping the kids around my "dream" kitchen, or having the husband well-love his mistress more than me. (No, I don't really think guys are faithful. Whyever do you ask?)
The girls who resent menstruation, who talk about "the curse" and the bother of "being sick," (Oh, and you like bleeding out your ass, doubling over with cramps, and desperately trying to cover up your zits with makeup that never works? Are you insane?) who get all mixed up about this time in their lives, are those who may have emotional doubts about being a woman . . . (Oh, so my friends and I are all lesbians? Wow, there's a shocker.). Here's a time for some real soul-searching, if you find yourself deeply disturbed about being "stuck with" the role of a woman. It's a time for re-evaluating the role of women in the world.
Do not, for an instant, imagine this was a feminist re-evaluation of women's role:
When you know the deep, true love a woman feels for a man, (I'd like to try it the other way around, if it exists, which I doubt- I've already kinda been there and done that and quit forever) when you experience the tremendous joy of comforting, sustaining and understanding a man you love (#'s 1 & 3- yeah right, and #2 I bet is just code for cooking and cleaning while he watches TV), when you know the happiness of childbirth (don't you mean PAIN of childbirth?) - you will be acting the role you were created for. (Once again, GAG ME! Do they tell men that their only purpose on life is to spawn? Yeah, right! And for the record, I was created a girl not to breed, but because I didn't wind up with a fluke Y chromosome.) To know this fulfillment, you must want it, learn about it and be ready for it. The teen years are the perfect time for learning to be a woman . . . for turning from dolls and and sandlot ball games to the feminine skills of cooking and sewing and prettying yourself (Okay, I do the last two, but that's only because I had no aim and therefore sucked in ball games. I had nothing else to do. But they still beat cooking and spawning) (for this too is a feminine art). It's the time to practice the feminine role of the woman pursued by a man (Oh god, it's THE RULES! AIEEEEEE!!!!!) - by your first dating experience, by practicing your newly discovered womanliness on boys your own age. (This is a switch. Isn't that what they tell you not to do nowadays so that you don't wind up experiencing childbirth before you're out of high school? Hypocrites.)
But most hinted that the menarche was the great demarcation between girlhood freedoms and the restrictions placed upon adult women. (Ain't that the truth? That is EXACTLY what goes on. No wonder I don't wanna grow up.)
GUALI displayed characteristics common to most pamphlets produced by manufacturers of feminine hygiene products during the 60s. "This is what you've been waiting for," it cooed as it assured readers that "someday when you fall in love and marry, you will want to have children." (Marriage does NOT equal desire to pop children.) Menstruation was "part of being female . . .part of growing up . . . part of the wonderful process of changing from a child into a woman." And, in a fit of perkiness probably not matched before or since in menstruation education materials, it boldly declared just inside the front cover that "the fun is just beginning!" - leading me to doubt that the author ever menstruated. (So true! I have yet to have one bit of fun due to having a period. I'm sure that girl who leaves parties with "her jacket tied around her waist" is having a blast.) Photos depicted teenage girls dancing, shopping, playing ping-pong, hanging out with other smiling teens at the beach. (Kinda ironic how it said earlier in the article that in the past women were told NOT to do any of those things while on their periods.) Everyone fairly glowed with happiness imparted by proper menstrual education. Additional illustrations showed cross-sectional views of the uterus, ovaries and fallopian tubes, and represented the ova's monthly meanderings. Good grooming and proper diet were discussed, and it showed a series of exercises for "shaping up and staying that way," as well as to provide relief from cramps (though the text constantly minimizes both their severity and occurrence). (One thing they tell you is that almost anything that happens to you period-related is "normal". If you can't get out of bed for half the month due to cramps or have your period for four months straight (I've known people this happened to), you are told it's normal.)
This first one (Facing the Mask) I've been reading for a few weeks, I'm not sure why. He gripes about how bad it is all the time, but it's interesting. Anyway, I was reading some lines from the winter section and they sounded familiar.
I like to believe that somewhere in an alternate reality, my life is a half hour comedy with a laughtrack called "Day By Day." Actually when I was in high school it was called "The Best Years" and was a gen x soap opera with nominal popularity. It's now a spin-off from the previous show, with occasional reappearances from the original cast. My life is not a musical. (I've thought my life must be part of some soap or sitcom for years now. I mean, there's been some freaky shit going down at times. And I really wouldn't be surprised to find out someday that I'm right.
i am bilingually illiterate....i think way too much sometimes for my own good......i don't hate where my life is right now, but I'd prefer to be somewhere else......i want to learn how to communicate in sign language.....i wish i could sing better... (All me too.)
I'm far too tired of wondering about other people. Let someone wonder about me for once. I give entirely too much of myself sometimes, and right now I've got jack to show for it. A phone call. One. I'm not talking about a phone marathon, just a "Hi, I'm not dead yet," kind of call would suffice. It doesn't take that much effort. So I've had it. And why is it that Ihave this feeling that once I divest myself completely from having any emotion left for this woman, she'll be back? Hmm. It must be because that's usually the way my life works. I appreciate irony. I have to - there's so much of it around me. It must be my karma or something.
There's really nothing much to say on the whole me-and-she situation that I haven'talready said yet. I think I've told about as much of it as I can. Until something else happens, I'm just going to forget about it. That goes for the lady, too. I'm going to put her out of my mind, because all thinking about her seems to do is tick me off. (Wow, ain't that familiar? I'm trying not to think about it- at least, I only have a guilty thought maybe a few times a day or so about what I did- but someday I'd like to be able to completely forget it all and not whine about it to everyone in range. Elena was telling me not to feel guilty, but I still sort of have second thoughts under all that anger. I'm such a wuss.)
I mean, you say that the women in your city are superficial and take things at face value, but I'd love for you to tell me the name of the town where women check out a guy and say, 'Wow... check out his personality. Very nice.'" (Sorry, y'all, but this is quite true. Which is kinda what makes trolling for people on the Web so odd. Actually this is reminding me of an article in Mademoiselle (Elena's) about how to seduce a man. The key is to figure out his secret dream (rock-and-roll star, whatever), validate that he's good at it, and fit yourself into the picture. What this has to do with anything is that they were answering the question of "Why do we have to do this for them, why aren't they doing this for us?" Their answer was that men have a certain "type" and if we don't fit it, we won't get their attention unless we catch them off guard. Do guys really do this?)
I was thinking about Nitra the other day, and I was irritated. Not at myself, not at her, not even at the whole situation. No, I was irritated because of the thoughts I was entertaining. It was that whole hindsight, "what if I'd done X instead of Y" thing. And that kind of thinking irritates me, because it's pointless. It's a waste of time that could bebetter spent thinking of other things, like spaghetti sauce recipes or Victoria's Secret models (I don't get it - they're trying to sell these products to women, but photograph models that most of the customers will never be able to look like in those clothes. It seems like looking thru the catalog would be kind of depressing - well, for women at least).
And now, a question that's been floating around in my mind for months. How would you feel if someone you knew kept a journal, wrote about whatever was on his mind(including you), and made it publicly available? How would you feel if this person were your significant other? (Reminds me of Anna and Demma bitching at me on the board. Kinda ironic how if this was happening to me (well, I don't think I'd mind that much if it was one of my friends, there's not much they could say that I don't admit to publicly already), like if The Moron had a page (not that he has the time and would do this) and bitched about me, I know I'd read it and then completely lose it and kill him. Oh yeah, THAT makes sense. I'm just glad that not that many people know who he is, and the ones that do and have Internet access (i.e. his friends) would NEVER check for it in the diaries section. I don't think that's their thing. Not manly enough, ya know.)
I've been kind of distancing myself from the female gender these past few months, (Like I should distance myself from the male gender- "stop her before she dates again!". Probably a good thing I'm taking "girly" classes this summer and probably won't meet any. Why, it's almost like being at Mills!
Now, I could just be an idiot, but I still think she's showing signs of interest. On the other hand, I could just be imagining things, making something out of nothing. Somehow, that seems more likely. Besides that, there's nothing I hate more than empty attractions. It's frustrating, a horrible waste of time, and my most effective way of wasting time and frustrating myself when I was younger.
Not that I'm looking for such a thing to happen, it's just that I seem to have a way of attracting... unusual situations. Romance has seldom been simple for me, never cut-and-dried, always some strange circumstance. An astrologer (not one of those con-men, a genuine article) once told me that I'd spend my life surrounded by women, then proceeded to suggest that I avoid dating for a while. Knowing that weirdness has always been a large part of my dating life, I remember saying that it probably wouldn't be a problem.
So anyways, while I was riding this train of thought, I finally came to the conclusion that any course of action on my part would likely have had the same result, with the drawback being that any other course of action wouldn't have been "me". I suppose I can be content that I did the right thing, then.
Then I found a chick known as Cynical Girl. Wow, ain't that familiar.
Write a letter to a long lost buddy! Write a lovely romantic note to your girlfriend/boyfriend/fiancee/spouse! (Guys, this is a damn fine way to get in the good books. Girls, guys usually don't care. But you can always TRY to stimulate their interest and write them something that'll get a response other than "*yawn* GEE a long email to wade through, yay") (Yep, this is true. At the beginning of the year I musta sent about 5 e-mails to The Moron (4 forwards though) and it took two months to get a "That was funny, I got a car, I gotta go" kinda message.)
I'm not in for mental anguish of the type which is brought on my crappy reading material and underwhelmingly disinteresting course matter. And come on. Who the hell am I fooling? Moi - an ENGLISH TEACHER? Heh. I love books and writing - why ruin it for myself? Why become an object of hate more prolific than I already happen to be? A teacher instructs, teaches, nurtures - and ruins every single interest a good student might have. I don't want to be responsible for such horror and mental disfigurement. (Basically, this is my response to the people who keep asking me if I wanna be a teacher. Hey, long glasses/nerd/English major does not ALWAYS equal teacher. Okay, so it's either "teacher" or "writer", but can't they at least ask me the other one first? On another note, did I ever mention that The Moron wants to be an English teacher? Okay, so I don't exactly know what career he would be suited for (probably his usual working in a restaurant- but certainly not "professional singer"), but I do have my suspicions that you must be able to write good, and that the students will make fun of you when you misspell words on the board. Frankly, it's my suspicion that he's only doing English because he didn't bomb it the way he did science classes and that he knows he doesn't sing too good (doesn't know just how bad though- even I could tell he couldn't hit anything, and I'm vocally tone-deaf).
And finally, there's Quinn's Life. This is quite familiar in spots, if not for the fact that I don't live in Southern CA yet, I'd wonder if I wrote parts of it. She does what I do about certain things- kinda vague, like we should know what's going on, but she has yet to mention what the past stuff is. Kinda like how I said I'd tell about The Moron (I have decided not to bother, that was probably obvious) and the wedding (I still kinda have intentions of doing that, but I probably won't.). Anyway, here they are.
He and I are no longer friends, which is tough for me to accept. He's in Florida and is about to graduate from a JC and transfer to a very well-known university there.
I thought about Bryan today and it just brought back a whole bunch of memories, mostly bad, but even with the bad comes the good. I read in my old journal and a year ago tomorrow is when he told me that he had broken up with his girlfriend because when he was with her he was thinking of me. We talked on the phone and he told me that he had been ignoring me, hoping that the feelings for me would go away. He was so honest with me and I felt so close to him. (She keeps track too. Heck, just today I was thinking that I graduated a year ago today, and I was all p.o.'ed because I couldn't find The Moron, so I thought he didn't show up. Turned out he had been there.) I think that's when I knew that I really did love him, because I could take him back even after everything that had happened. Damn, so much can change in a year, it's amazing to think about. Sometimes I miss him, but then I just think about what he said: you can't have your heart someplace clear across the country, it needs to be close to where you are. I guess those are words that I should live by…it's just hard sometimes. As much as I try to convince myself otherwise I know that I did love him and I probably will always hold a special place in my heart because of what we shared that one weekend.
did the weirdest thing the other day. I was trying to think about all the clothes I own and I just couldn't, so I went into my closet and wrote down everything I own. It wasn't too bad because I had just done laundry, but it still took me a while. And I realized DAMN I own a lot of clothes! I think I own more shirts than anything. And tank tops…I mean, really, who needs 14 of them? The funny thing is I really do wear almost all of them. I seem to have a shopping compulsion…I really should save my money, but I usually end up shopping instead of doing homework or when I'm completely bored. (that's quite often) Did that last summer, and I discovered that I have over 100 T-shirts (among other things). And I don't even wear T-shirts that much! Yikes! I told The Moron this for some reason and he kept telling it to all his friends. Huh?
God, I'm so bored. I haven't done anything today and I probably won't do anything tonight or tomorrow either. I just want out of school so bad right now, I want to go home and just hang out with my family and friends. Then I get to come back here and take summer school. Lucky me.
Actually everyone that went away to school looked really good and those that stayed around didn't look too great. I am so happy that I got away from all this small town crap! (So true!)
Links to other sites on the Web
Surfboard
Period article link (I forget the name of it)
Facing the Mask
The Diary of a Romantic
Cynical Girl
Quinn's Life
Gawwwwwd, I'm bored.
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