QUESTION: (Marion Lewis) I have not been able to form a relationship with a man. I realize how negative my intentionality toward the man is. I believe he is the cause of my unfulfillment and not my own rigid image about men and relationships. I have worked a lot on all of this and know about my early childhood trauma with my father and my recreation of my longing, frustration, and cutting off of feelings, provocation, and vengefulness and the vicious circle that ensues. I know all the right concepts yet I am unable to stop the cycle. I deeply pray for further guidance in the understanding of myself and for help to dissolve the harmful image.
ANSWER: It is necessary that you connect with that part in you which demands that the man change your image by proving to you how lovable you are. Until such time, your intent is to hold out. At the same time, it is necessary for you to be more keenly motivated to take responsibility for the change in your outlook. For that you need to experiencve your longing for love; you need to experience the unfulfillment without mutuality. When you no longer push this longing away and cover it up with substitutes, you will truly want to see the man as an incomplete human being, just as you are an incomplete human being. You need to know that incomplete human beings, men and women, deserve love just as much as fully purified ones. Their God nature is always operative, their painful noble struggle deserves love and respect. And this includes you. You must not rely on others -- the man -- to give you your value and your lovability. You must do this yourself. When you do, then you will also be able to love a man.