Shame As A Yardstick For Unresolved Problems -- Seemingly Favorable Childhood Circumstances As Obstructive As Hurts

By The Pathwork Guide

Greetings, my dearest friends. Blessings for all of you. Blessed be your efforts, blessed be your progress, and blessed be your life as a whole. May this lecture help you to advance a step forward on your Path. The contents of this lecture are primarily destined to reach those inner areas and levels of the personality which have already been uncovered, or which are about to be uncovered, in this deep search of self-exploration. It may be that for those of you who have not yet reached these deep levels these words may not have any meaning: they may either sound repetitious or may even be confusing. However, this lecture may help some of my friends to enter this Path. I promise that once you have attained this inner level of recognition in your self-search, then this material will prove tremendously useful.

To all my friends who are on the Path I want to say that even though at the moment every effort may seem fraught with discouragement or with a temporary feeling of hopelessness, if you persevere it will be crowned with success. What may now appear as a defeat will soon prove to be a victory. You will see that going through this threshold at this seemingly difficult period will prove to be absolutely necessary before taking another step. Please remember that your Path is difficult not because of this work but because of your still unresolved problems. I cannot emphasize strongly enough that you must constantly remind yourself that awareness is the key: Becoming aware of what is in you at this moment. You are still not sufficiently conscious of what really bothers you. If only you will realize this, then you will know which direction to take. You will not be in despair because you will see that there is a missing link that you must first uncover and then explore, and thereby you will cease to be confused and lost.

Now I should like to discuss two specific topics which at first will seem unrelated, but in fact they are not. Then we shall try to establish their connection. The first topic is shame. This was discussed in the past in certain connections, such as the shame of the higher self, or the shame of certain shortcomings. Now I should like to discuss this topic from a very specific point of view.

When you pursue this Path, then you come to a point when you discover certain areas which you are ashamed to acknowledge even to yourself. What you are ashamed of may be your faults, but not always and not necessarily. You may be just as ashamed of very legitimate needs or assets, as you are of your faults. At first, you are not even aware of the fact that such shames really exist. It takes a considerable amount of time and effort before you do become aware of certain facets within yourself which you are deeply ashamed of, and which you therefore resist to face. You cover them up with a pretense which is the mirror image or the reverse of your specific shame.

Slowly but surely, as the pathwork progresses in the right direction, you learn to face the shame and to admit it only to yourself; you are not yet able to reveal it to others. When this phase is reached, then a certain amount of self-deception has been eliminated. Your particular personal shame, and its consequent pretense, may vary. But whatever it is, when you come face to face with such an aspect, it takes a considerable amount of struggle and courage to admit what so far had been inadmissable. When the struggle has been overcome, then a significant amount of inner freedom and ease has been reached. It is important to remember that such a victory rarely occurs in one single battle. The process may have to be repeteated because the psyche is not ready to face all its pretenses at once. The degree of shedding the pretense and facing that which was regarded as too shameful to admit results in the concomitant degree of emotional ease and comfort. He who has reached the point of such self-admission can pinpoint his shame, his pretense, and his deception. He has reached a major step in his self-realization. He is way ahead, compared to the person who is as yet unaware of his shame and pretense, and who may therefore believe that he has nothing to hide.

But then there is a further step, in which you will find a wonderful way to measure your liberation. The degree of ease and emotional comfort with which you can discuss your shame with your helper indicates your inner freedom. But this important mark on your path is often overlooked because certain self-admissions are suspended and are then gradually forgotten as to their actual significance. While these admissions may have been made at one time, the pretense nevertheless continues to present itself to the outer world, as well as partly to the self because the partial admission is not fully explored.

I should like to give specific advice in this respect. First of all, keep your attention poised in this direction. The first stage on this particular road of your path is becoming aware of what you have hidden from yourself so far. When this is done to some degree, then ask yourself if you have utilized such findings, or whether you have allowed them to become hazy again. True liberation cannot come in such half-measures. You make the conscious recognition only half-consciously because you may not yet be ready and free enough to express to another person -- such as your helper -- this very shame that you have finally admitted to yourself. Because you cannot force yourself to face the issue, you becloud it once again. It becomes foggy again. It would be much better and vastly more constructive for you to admit to yourself: "I still cannot bring myself to reveal and discuss this or that aspect of my personality." Do not force yourself because if it is forced, then your anxiety and your suffering will be such a strong counter-measure that the benefit may be lost. In applying such forceful measures, you cannot help but to perceive the issue in a slightly distorted, untruthful, colored way. Hence the gain is questionable. This would make you feel guilty and, in turn, would breed new problems in the relationship between you and your helper. In this admission, you are honest. You do not use too much force. You do not breed guilt, and therefore resentment. And you gauge your inner stand. This is infinitely better than a dutiful and harried self-discipline of doing something that you are not ready for.

In your daily review you can ascertain: "This or that factor brings me embarrassment. I feel too uncomfortable to discuss it." Come to terms with this factor, instead of the frequent attitude of being unwilling to face this restraint and then to face the significance of this lack of freedom. Thereby you overlook what is so important to see: Where do you stand? How far have you gotten? What remains to be accomplished toward this freedom from shame and from pretense? Come to terms with this restraint and with this inhibition, and then say to yourself that perhaps in a week, in a month, in a year you may get to this point. But in the meantime observe yourself in this respect and perhaps little by little, by dribs and drabs -- but without forceful discipline -- you will reveal more than you intended. At the beginning, you will feel uncomfortable and anxious, embarrassed and inhibited, but each time it will become easier. Suddenly you will see that your entire shame was an illusion, as you gain inner comfort while freely expressing that which had seemed so shameful. That is the yardstick of your liberation.

I advise all of you to think about this specific part of the Path. "Are you aware of what you are ashamed of?" If you are not, then you still have to find it out. If you are, then to what degree do you fully tackle this issue? Take it into your self-confrontation, all by yourself. Probe deeper and bring out the issue of your shame. Do not try to find immediate reasons and answers, explanations and justifications. Simply admit that this or that aspect causes you shame. Write down in exact and precise terms what it is that you are ashamed of and why you feel that you need to be ashamed of it. The usual answer is always the fear of appearing less in the eyes of others, the fear of being less lovable, the fear of being less respectable, the fear of being belittled, the fear of being humiliated. But this general fact has to be specifically found and acknowledged, as it applies to you. When this is done, then confront yourself as to the degree to which you are able to discuss it. Observe your inner freedom in doing so, even if you succeed only in degrees at this time. Maintain the awareness of this issue. Do not force revelation unduly (some force may be necessary at the beginning). But if you decide to wait, then do not forget the issue. In the meantime continue to observe your daily reactions in respect to this issue. You may be sure that your deep-rooted unresolved problems stand in direct relationship to your shame, to your inhibition, and to your daily disharmonies.

Each private session may give you an opportunity to open this particular door a little further. Each time you will find it easier to discuss that which formerly had been inadmissible. After each session, take notice of your reactions. Compared with previous occasions, how far have you gone in revealing yourself? Perhaps a good way to make a beginning may be to discuss with your helper the fact that you still have such restraints and that you are as yet either unwilling or unable to give them up. Thus you may touch upon the general idea of your shame, but without as yet going into details. This may prepare the way and create the proper climate. It goes without saying that the inadmissible applies much less to certain facts in your past life that you do not wish to be known and much more to an emotional pretense, a falsification of the personality. The latter is infinitely more important and more damaging.

You cannot begin to know how important this approach is for your progress and for your inner health. I also advise those of my friends who are helpers to others to be aware of this factor, not only in themselves, but also as an issue in those whom they are helping. They should remember that to the degree that they are still unfree in this respect, to that degree they cannot expect this freedom and this self-revelation from those whom they help. It is important to remember not to use a whip on yourself by forcing yourself and then rejecting yourself in self-condemnation if you do not succeeed. The proper way it to quietly observe yourself where you stand in this particular respect.

If anyone claims that there is no area within himself which he cannot freely discuss in emotional comfort, then I say that he has not even found it yet. He has not even seen to what degree he still lives in inhibition and in self-deception. If you discover that you are not yet as far as you have thought because of such restraint, then this should not make you uneasy. For if you go about it in the way I advised, accepting your present stand and working on it in a relaxed and self-accepting way, then there need be no compulsion, no guilt, no impatience with yourself -- only acknowledgement.

The second topic I wish to discuss is something we have not really gone into before, except in a fleeting way on various occasions. For a long time in this work of understanding and resolving images, misconceptions, and distorted, unhealthy attitudes -- in short, everything breeding problems in your life -- we concentrated on unhappy, painful childhood events and conditions. We found that they were responsible for creating psychic conditions which are damaging to your self-unfoldment. Hurts and frustrations in childhood have been recognized as the cause for bringing out deeply imbedded problems in the personality. Now I would like to shed light on the exact opposite. Apparently positive factors in childhood can be equally responsible for inner distortions.

Off hand this may appear quite impossible, for it seems to be the opposite of what is currently believed. But let us look closer at this subject. You may note that I said "apparently" favorable conditions. On the one hand, man's evaluation of what is either good or bad, either constructive or destructive, either right or wrong is often tied in with what is momentarily pleasurable or unpleasurable. On the other hand, his evaluation ties in with what conforms to temporary, superimposed values. On the one side, he may deem something as constructive and good just because it is pleasant to him. On the other side, he may deem the unpleasant as right because it conforms to these superimposed, arbitrary value systems that mankind often follows.

I have sometimes mentioned the difference between eternal values as opposed to temporary values. Temporary values may remain the same throughout the centuries and still be considered temporary by their nature of abiding with non-eternal valuations. They come into being because of the needs of a particular civilization and because of mankind's limitation in grasping eternal values. These needs are dictated by the conditions which the specific society lives in. Social, economic, and political factors play a role, as do geography and the type of spirit predominantly incarnated in this society. For example, the values in a patriarchy differ drastically from those in a matriarchy. They differ in a monarchy and in a democracy. Many factors contribute to make up the value system of a society. Due to man's inclination to laziness, he blindly follows what is established and he retains values long after their temporary usefulness. In other words, long after the specific conditions for which these values were created have disappeared. Man's self-alienation -- his lack of independent thinking -- makes him cling to what is handed to him without thinking about it. This is why it is so important to question everything before you either accept it or reject it, and then to find your own reasons for doing so. This is the only way eternal values can be found. Each case must be deeply examined, each incident, each issue must be tested, probed, questioned, and then sincerely answered from the depth of one's own convictions. Only then can the divine attributes be truly found, not because everyone says so, because society agrees, but because one finds it so oneself. These divine attributes and these eternal values are unchangeable in themselves but they constantly change in their application. It is the exact opposite with temporary values. Eternal values often disregard the temporary ones; even if the outer act may be similar, and it often seems to be the same, their climate is a very different one. Love, truth, wisdom, courage, what is good and constructive in the long run, and therefore for all concerned, are the sole considerations of eternal values. Blind acceptance bypasses such considerations. Eternal values may be pleasurable and may go against the temporary value system. Or they may be unpleasurable at the moment and yet go hand in hand with the temporary value system. If man acts according to temporary values, while being unaware of eternal values, then he will not be in peace with himself. In any personal decision and choice concerning either major or minor issues, involving either actions or emotional attitudes, man is dependent on whether his decision derives from the one value system or from the other. There is no formula. Coming into selfhood means to be able to reach decisions by first examing, then by feeling, and finally by living the truth.

The value system regarding the treatment of children has undergone a drastic change in your society in recent times. Until a relatively short time ago restriction and severity was the generally accepted right way. Hence, man's unresolved problems entered into these rules, and he inevitably acted out his pent-up hostility under the pretext of following the existing value system. In recent times, the accepted rules are permissiveness, lack of discipline, and indulgence. This does not mean that the parent's hostility does not communicate itself to the child. In fact, these new values cause the parents to feel doubly guilty for their existing hostility. Indulgence and permissiveness will create as many problematic conditions in the child's psyche as the hurts and the frustrations caused by restriction and by severity.

If parents are not motivated exclusively by love, are not sufficiently far-sighted to restrict their guilt, their inner confusions, and the inability to cope with the problem that a child represents, then they will create an inner disturbance in order to atone for such common human failings as impatience, and irritation. The child may then be over-indulged in and pampered. The child may experience this at the moment as something favorable and pleasurable, but the long term negative effect will remain. Again, it is not the fact or its consequence alone which create the damage, but the guilt, the confusion, and the conflict in the parents. An identical act in one case may derive from over-indulgence, and in another from a clear, unconfused psyche. The effect that an act will produce on the child depends on the parent's motivation behind the act. Moreover, it is the child's inborn health, or the lack of it, which will determine how the act is affected by the parent's unresolved problems. This applies not only to hurts inflicted, but equally to pleasurable over-indulgence, which will have no adverse effect on the child's psyche if no corresponding problems exist.

Now let us examine the specific effects that "apparently" pleasurable circumstances, such as permissiveness, indulgence, and pampering, have on the child. The psyche gets accustomed to it. And when life later prohibits similar indulgenge, then the personality is still driven to duplicate the pleasurable state it once enjoyed. The psyche seeks to repeat what it experienced as love during childhood over and over again. But it will remain unsatisfied because other people -- who are not not bound by guilt as the parents might have been -- will have no need to atone and therefore no need to extend such treatment. The inability to re-experience this pleasure causes hurt, anger, and hostility. The insistence upon having the protection and the real as well as the false love enjoyed in childhood is connected with and is dependent on the hurts and the frustrations suffered during childhood. In other words, just as the parent may over-indulge to balance off the inner irritation and the guilt of rejection due to the problems brought by a child, the child may use use the compulsive need for over-indulgence as a substitute for the negative currents in the parents that he unconsciously feels, and that sometimes he even experiences outwardly in a more or less direct way.

It is time that we begin to examine those aspects in your childhood which you experienced in a pleasurable way. It took considerable insight into yourself to uncover the hurts and the frustrations. A child is apt to take for granted what he experiences in his life. In other words, to consider it as permanent. If he is hurt, then he may suffer from it and he may rebel against it, but it is an accepted fact that the child cannot evaluate in objective terms. It is a general climate in his life. The same happens with pleasurable aspects. The child may enjoy them, but he is no more aware of them than he may be of the hurts. Both are aspects of the reality which the child does not question, in spite of his enjoyment or of his pain. Therefore, considerable probing and examination is necessary in order to become specifically aware of these different elements. Your experience in your past work pertaining to the hurts and the pain suffered during childhood will now prove useful in that it will enable you to become aware of the opposite currents. Uncovering those elements requires attention, concentration, and self-examination. It is important to understand the totality of your personality in your overall mental and emotional make-up. You will see how you strive to reproduce not only that which you did not have, but also that which you did have. In other words, man not only attempts to fulfill what he lacked in his childhood, but also to perpetuate that which he did enjoy. This angle is vastly overlooked in the exploration of the human psyche.

It is not the conduct that is the criterion for the right and constructive act, but the inner conditions, the motivations, and the underlying unification of the psyche. In one instance it may be right to indulge and be permissive, in another to restrict and even to punish. He who seeks to abide by outer regulations in order to know which alternative to follow on what specific occasion must be lost and confused because his actions will prove unsuccessful. But he who knows himself -- in other words, he who understands his inner problems -- will also know what conduct to choose, long before the inner problems are completely resolved. Then he is in a position to be in accord with eternal values, and therefore to act according to them. This applies to the treatment of children, as it does to any other human relationship or human situation. Where such confusion exists, it should be a sign that knowledge about the self is missing.

So, my friends, examine this new angle. Be on the lookout for the following. To the degree that you felt unloved, to that degree guilt-love will have damaged you. Both play a role only because psychic unrealities were already in you before you were born into this life. You will see that there exists in you a great deal of anger and a great deal of resentment not only for that which you did not have, but also for what you did have and wish to continue having.

Off hand, you may wander what the connection between these two topics is and why I have chosen to discuss them in one lecture. But once both subjects are understood on a more profound level, then the connection is quite evident. It may be constructive if I now invite you to participate. Can any of you see a connecting link?

PARTICIPANT: I think it would be a very shameful not to feel grateful for what was meant to be good, if you didn't feel it was good, or if you were given something you did not want.

GUIDE: This may be quite true, but actually what I was referring to was not that you were given something which you did not want, but something which you very much enjoyed, but which perhaps you were just as unaware of as you were of a hurt. I did not mean something not wanted.

PARTICIPANT: If a girl loves her father very much and asks for the same love in a man later, the child may experience the love for the father almost in a sexual way, then she wants the same love from the man but can't get it, then she may use a shame in this respect.

GUIDE: This is a good example.

PARTICIPANT: I have a feeling that if parents are neglectful in some ways and, through their guilt, they are particularly indulgent toward a child when it is sick, the child will want the sickness in order to get the love. Later in life, when the person is sick, he will be disappointed and hurt when the love is not forthcoming. At the same time, he will be ashamed for using sickness in order to get love.

GUIDE: This is a good example, too.

PARTICIPANT: You may also be ashamed when you are told you are loved as a child, but you do not feel it.

GUIDE: Yes.

PARTICIPANT: Shame is always connected with guilt, isn't it?

GUIDE: Not always. They may come together, but it is also possible to feel shame without guilt and guilt without shame.

PARTICIPANT: When the child receives an allowance and he feels guilty for keeping it, while not actually deserving it, he later feels shame for receiving a salary.

GUIDE: Such a case requires further probing to understand why this guilt and shame for having required an allowance exists.

PARTICIPANT: I know of a case of an adopted child where the parents gave the child too much leeway, continuously admiring it. This was probably due to lack of real love. Later, when the child was about eighteen years old, he became even more demanding and the parents could not gratify these demands. I think the child was ashamed of not having his real parents.

GUIDE: This may be so. These are partly good examples. Such participation will help you to assimilate better. Let me show you, in principle, the connection between the damage of pleasurable childhood experiences and shame.

If a human being wants to reproduce pleasurable conditions in later life, then it indicates the desire to remain a child. In other words, a desire to stay on the receiving line. It indicates greed and a lack of self-responsibility. This may be difficult to accept, particularly for those who pride themselves on being mature and adult. Most people wish to be pampered while at the same time desiring the advantages of adulthood. The unfulfilled desire to be a child, coupled with frustration and anger, must create a shame. This tendency often completely contradicts the ideal which is superimposed, the front which is then presented both to the world and to the conscious self. As you know, the idealized self image denies all limitations. It pretends to already possess all that which the personality feels it lacks. The pretense not only hides what the child felt to be missing in its life, but also what it had, and therefore wants to continue having. If you examine your idealized self, then this double pretense must be found. The opposite of this pretense lies underneath. To reveal it seems like a dreadful admission.

You cannot discover the shame if you do not envisage the exact opposite of your pretense. The consideration of the exact opposite of the idealized self image should now be taken into this work by all of you. This must be the shame, which also connects with certain pleasurable circumstances in childhood. Perhaps you were praised for certain real, or partly real, qualities that you yourself suspect as not possessing in the measure that your parents claimed you did. Or maybe you only think that these qualities are absent because they are still too diluted by your various self-doubts and by your distortions. We discussed the idealized self image at length. Now let us look at its opposite. Let us find its specific significance and, therefore, what would be its opposite. It is this opposite which creates the deep shame, which is also connected with both pleasant and unpleasant childhood conditions.

If you really study this lecture and work it through, then I promise that your liberation and your progress will be considerable. This will be the focal point of what makes you suffer; of what alienates you from life; of what alienates you from yourself; of what makes you puzzled and confused. What we discussed today is a direct key for each and every one of you in a different way. For some of you it may be premature. Many other areas may have to be explored before you can deal with this aspect. However, it is not always a question of time. Occasionally someone who has been on the Path for a shorter period of time may discover certain aspects that another individual can come across only after more extended work. It depends on the type of one's character and on one's psychic condition, as well as on the attitude to one's problems. Wherever you stand now, take these words into consideration. This coming working year will prove a most important and crucial one to everyone who has understood and then assimilated this material, even if only partly.

Are there any questions pertaining to this lecture?

QUESTION: If a child was a favorite and in a privileged position, is it true that later he may unconsciously claim a similar privileged position? In other words, that he may want special consideration?

ANSWER: Yes, indeed. This may be absolutely unconscious, for it may be diametrically opposed to one's idealized self. If the child held this special position because it was a good child, then this goodness is an integral part of the idealized self. Goodness means self-sacrifice and unselfishness. Yet this contradicts the claim for special treatment. In this inner confusion so much is repressed, and the more it happens, the more difficut does clarification become. When all these various inner demands and attitudes are out in the open, then the clarification, the liberation, and the relief must be great. I tell you, my friend, you are on the way. With your asking this question, and acknowledging the light that flickered in now, you are almost there. You will then also understand your specific God image.

Love streams to each one of you. It is a vibrant force of reality. May all of you who make such valiant efforts in self-confrontation realize how meaningful and how significant these efforts are. Continue, all of you. Life will thank you for it. But I do not mean this in the sense of a rewarding or punishing God. The cosmic forces with which you come into harmony as a result of your truthful self-examination respond according to law, while self-deception and lack of awareness cannot bring you into harmony with these cosmic forces. Be blessed, every one of you, so that your continuous efforts will be strenghtened, so as to become always freer and happier. Be in peace, be in God.

September 20, 1963