The Illusory Fear of Self

By The Pathwork Guide

Greetings, my dearest, dearest friends. Blessings for every one of you. Blessed be each and every step on your road to liberation and fulfillment.

Man's greatest joy and greatest freedom is when he can give according to his potential. Conversely, the greatest pain is the result of not giving to life and to others according to one's inherent potential. All other pains and all other frustrations derive from this pain of not giving out what is within, just as all other satisfactions and all other pleasures are contained in the act of giving of one's self to life without restriction. When man does not do this, and therefore involves himself in a pattern of compounded pain, then it happens out of the fear of meeting himself. In the last analysis, all fears derive from the fear one has of his innermost being -- that part which he does not yet acknowledge and fully know.

As long as an individual keeps a part of himself hidden and secret, he cannot possibly be free. He must then constantly be on guard and he must pretend. Therefore, where man has his distortions he lives a lie -- a lie that he need not live, but which he does due to his false fear of himself.

There are some individuals who reach the point of meeting that private hidden part comparatively quickly and, in spite of the fear, they overcome it and therefore evolve as free creatures. But there are many more human beings who skirt around this -- even those friends who live and work on such a Path and who are involved with their best outer intent in finding themselves. They nevertheless skirt the issue. They vaguely hope that the goal can be accomplished without fully tackling every last bit of themselves, without exposing all, hiding nothing.

This fear of the self is the basic fear. It is behind the fear of life and even the fear of death. Neither could the fear of others possibly exist if man were free of the fear of himself. A number of my friends are progressively approaching, or have already approached, the point where the "big lie" has to be given up, but inwardly everything battles to do so. It is exceedingly important at this point to discuss this fear of self: where it comes from, what it does to man and whether it is coddled instead of overcome.

The fear of self cannot possibly end up but in self-alienation. Therefore, it cheats man of his birthright to be a creature who is happy, free, fully living, unfolding, giving and receiving. The result is that man gets more and more involved in inverted processes, due to which he not only loses contact with his innermost being, but also contact with cause and effect within himself -- and contact with that mechanism within himself which affords him relaxed self-government and, therefore, the possibility to build up his life in a rewarding, realistic way. When man is alienated from himself because he is as yet unwilling to look at and expose himself for better or for worse, then he comes to a crossroads where he seems to be confronted with one good alternative and with one bad alternative. I have discussed this before in other connections. Let us now look at it again in this context.

When an individual fears himself, then this fear amounts to the fact that he cannot be what he wants to be. What he wants to be is an ideal that he pretends to be, or at least pretends to become. But this ideal is unrealistic, and therefore unrealizable, because it is an ideal outside of himself, away from himself, as it were. This is the apparently good alternative, while the bad alternative seems to be that which he is at the moment. But that, too, is unrealistic because the way he sees it or feels it is as exaggerated and distorted as the goal he feels he ought to accomplish. It is not even a question of the goal being unrealistic because it is better than what he could be, or that what he is now is worse than he is, although that also happens to be true. However, it is more frequent that the individual simply distorts: that in himself which he feels to be unforgivably bad will no longer appear that way when it is out in the open and he understands cause and effect. At the same time, he will discover his negative trends and he will understand their undesirability as he has never done before, however without feeling diminished by this fact. When man is crushed by what he is, or by what he fears to be, then it means that he does not have a realistic perception of himself. By the same token, the good alternative when investigated closely is not as desirable as it seems at first sight. This flat, unliving quality constricts both the good and the bad alternatives, while diminishing reality, limiting scope, and deadening the rich life substance.

The first link in the negative chain reaction -- following the refusal to look at the whole self and to give up the "inner lie" -- is a narrow choice between "good or bad" -- starting with the self, of course, and going on from there, limiting many aspects of life "into" the same narrow mold. Almost every other issue turns into an either/or. It requires a decision, which is impossible to make because even the "good" is problematic. Since it has always been unreal and unrealistic, it becomes unfeasible, unattainable, impossible -- or even undesirable in its desirability. The whole of life, starting with the self, seems to be divided between a stiff, rigid, unalive "good" alternative and a flatly "bad" alternative. Everything that is undertaken follows this pattern. Neither one of these two alternatives can ever be fully satisfactory, in which the self feels comfortable and at ease. Both are a strain and both feel distinctly unreal.

The next link in the negative chain reaction, following self-alienation, is that these apparently good versus bad alternatives turn into two equally undesirable alternatives. We have discussed this in the past on many different occasions. However, it is important that you see it in this particular sequence. When you feel that you are confronted with two equally undesirable alternatives, then you are in a distortion of truth and in a distortion of beauty. Even the most desirable aspects of life either turn sour or hold elements in them that you may feel as undesirable, although you may also feel that you ought not to feel them as undesirable. You become more and more confused.

A typical and important example of this state is the dichotomy between desire and fulfillment. In health and truth, these two aspects become one, even before an individual has attained such unity within himself that desire and fulfillment are one, even while there still exists a separation between these two aspects. The free person, who is not alienated from himself, feels no problem, no pangs, no conflict about either. He who is involved in a self-alienating process, and has therefore reached this further link in the negative chain in which all the alternatives open to him seem undesirable, must experience both desire and fulfillment as something negative. A healthy desire is a relaxed expansion. It is a reaching for ever new possibilities for expansion and for fulfillment. In distortion, it becomes frustration. Desire and frustration appear the same in the psyche and are therefore, of course, unwelcome. The same fate befalls fulfillment. It turns into satiation, stagnation -- a dead-end street whence there is no further way. Hence, the individual fluctuates between the two equally undesirable states of frustration and of satiation.

When the self is no longer feared, then neither desire nor fulfillment need to be feared, for it will be known that the desire will be fulfilled and that the fulfillment will not be an end but a new beginning. Disconnected from the real self, and therefore distorted, the outlook must be so negative that it is inconceivable that the desire can be fulfilled. Hence a healthy reaching out -- a desire -- cannot be embraced, but will be rejected. The person in this state withdraws from desiring altogether. As a compensation, the soul strains in selfwilled greed, which is a result of the conviction that fulfillment does not exist. Hence it must be fought for, grasped at, strained toward. When man is convinced that fulfillment is impossible, then he cannot dare to desire. When he does not desire freely and openly -- as freely and as openly as is possible only when he meets himself equally freely and equally openly -- then frustration is inevitable.

When vestiges of fulfillment occur in this inner state, then they inevitably turn into satiation. Fulfillment can remain vibrant only when the inner being is open, when it is free, when it is unhidden, when it is unguarded. Then all the cosmic energies vibrate in the eternal now, where there is no end to bliss, where there is continuous growing, where there is the unfolding of all the universal forces. But when the soul is tightly shut off, or at least partially shut off, then it is hardened, rigidified. Thefore, these vital energies cannot reach the secret chamber. Hence, every activity has a beginning and an end, since the self is felt as finite and not as infinite. In finiteness, fulfillment is a flat, accomplished end, and therefore must become a burden. It also appears confusing and futile, leaving the feeling of "what for," the feeling that there is no sense to anything, for even when the desires are fulfilled, then they turn flat and unattractive.

When the soul is in truth with itself, and consequently with the universe, then fulfillment is a vibrant, deeply satisfying continuum that is undending. In other words, it is never an end. Hence the desire for fulfillment cannot be feared. In distortion, the desire is feared no matter what happens. It is feared when it remains unfulfilled because the frustration hurts the soul, and it is feared when it is fulfilled, for the psyche then does not know what to do with it. Hence both desire and fulfillment are feared, and therefore are rejected -- always commensurate with the fear that man has of his own hidden self.

My dearest friends, I think that most of you are able to ascertain that subtle feeling -- which you can pinpoint and become aware of -- in which you fear fulfillment because it is distorted into satiation, and therefore is an end, a dead-end street. You will also be able to ascertain how you constantly fluctuate between the two equally undesirable alternatives of frustration and of satiation. Only when you are not alienated from yourself will you live in that vibrant experience of desire never being painful. Then desire and fulfillment become one, as you become one with yourself.

A further chain reaction of self-alienation, due to the fear of meeting the self, is losing oneself in the illusion that one cannot determine what goes on in the self. It is the frequent phenomenon of believing oneself helpless in the grip of one's own feelings, of one's own emotions, of one's own attitudes, of one's own thoughts, and even of one's own actions. When you fear that your negative emotions are going to control you, then you lose sight of the fact that you do have something to say about it. Your passivity and your obliviousness of the fact that no act or no thought can exist without your readiness and your will for either one is the illusion of the lack of self-government. Often you exclaim, "But I feel thus and thus," as though this were all there is to it and your prevailing feeling makes any way out impossible. You overlook the simple, immediately accessible fact of determining your thought, of determining your action, of determining the way you want to feel, of determining the way you want to react. This need not be either superimposition or self-deception. It cannot be that when the self is fully met. Since you know what you really feel, then you can determine what you feel. For example, you can desire to feel differently.

This desire to feel differently has its effect. When it comes to the choice of your action -- for example, your attitude toward what you find in the hidden chamber of your psyche -- then you do not need to even wait for an effect. You have the possibility of determining immediately whether or not you will give in to your resistance; whether or not you will act destructively; whether or not you will choose constructive ways of living, constructive ways of meeting yourself, constructive ways of desiring, and constructive ways of determining whatever course is open to you. Then you will find that it is an illusion to believe that you must go on feeling destructively until something other than yourself liberates you from it. You can be liberated from it instantly by desiring that which is most constructive at this particular moment of your life. But this constructive desire is possible only when you know what you are. As long as you are busy keeping a part of yourself separated and secret, then the relevant constructive desire will not even be known to you. As long as your own secret part is hazy and vague, then the relevant desires must be just as hazy and just as vague at any given moment.

Suppose that you find hate or hostility in you. You fear this destructive emotion, for you are frightened of its force both on you and on your actions. Simply affirm: "I shall face this destructive feeling fully. But this will not force me into actions, for I am master over all my feelings. I determine my actions. I determine what I want to do. I determine what I want to think. I determine what I want to feel. I now want to see what is. I intend to change this emotion into a truthful and constructive one. I choose the attitude with which I will meet this emotion. If I encounter an inner distaste for this emotion or a reluctance to give up such a destructive feeling, then I shall neither deny this inner refusal by repression, nor shall I give in to it. I shall meet this resistance and I shall not be vanquished by it. Since I determine the truth in myself, I now choose constructive ways." Such determination is the first step back from your self-alienation.

These are the mechanics by which self-government becomes available immediately. But relaxed, realistic, truthful self-government, and not strained superimposition, denial, self-deception, illusion. It is possible to make this deep inner decision at any moment. But you labor under the illusion that you cannot help feeling as you do, that you cannot help thinking as you do, that you cannot help acting as you do. When I say acting as you do, this includes attitudes, such as the determination to remain passively controlled by your resistance or passively controlled by your negative emotions. You labor under the illusion that you are at the mercy of what you feel, at the mercy of what you think, at the mercy of what you want. You state it almost in these exact terms. "But this is the way I feel." you say, setting a period after this, as though this were all there was to it, and therefore nothing further can be done. You wait to feel differently as a result of some miracle to take place from the outside. It does not occur to you that first you must want to feel differently before you can come out of the trap. And if you do not want to feel differently, then you must know that you do not want to, instead of deceiving yourself with the pretense that you want to but that you cannot. Once you know that you do not want to feel differently, then you can find out why you want to remain in a negative, undesirable state.

By denying the truth that you can choose your attitudes, that you can choose your thoughts, and that you can choose your actions -- in other words, that you are not at their mercy, as you unconsciously believe -- you lose the greatest power at your disposal, namely your self-government. You confuse this with the false control that you constantly exert over your guards in order to keep the secret part of you hidden. Every vestige of your energy is geared to the activity of controlling your secret. Thereby you lose control over that part in you which could determine a fruitful, constructive, expanding life.

The imagined need to keep a part of yourself secret is the result of your not believing in your real self, with all of its qualities. Yet, as long as you do not commit yourself wholeheartedly to exposing that which you fear, then you cannot convince yourself of that part of your innermost being which is utterly reliable, utterly trustworthy, totally wise, and absolutely good. When you do that, then you must find out that there is nothing to fear.

First of all, your fear is a result of your doubt and of your suspicion that there is a reliable, rich facet of your inner being from which you can be nourished, from which you can draw. Therefore, you fear that the ultimate in you is that which hates and that which has destructive wishes and desires. Although you begin by hiding it from others, you end up by hiding it from yourself. Therefore you lose contact with yourself.

All of you have to comprehend this mechanism thoroughly and to discover the means to which you resort in order to make believe that you are honest with yourself all the way, so that you let go of the last vestiges of control over the secret in you and you meet yourself for what you are. Only then can you get down to the serious business of self and to the serious business of living. When I say "serious business" I mean this in a positive sense. I mean this in the sense of discovering the ultimate of yourself, which you do not have to hide once you know it. As long as a part of you remains in hiding, then living occurs by proxy, as it were. It is always "as if," it is never whole and real. All goals and all fulfillments are, in a sense, make believe.

This is the great human struggle. It is a struggle for life or death, but it is just as illusory as death itself. For no matter how many destructive, undesirable facets you may find in yourself, the fear of them is an illusion. And the fear of them builds up more fear, more guilt, more pretense, more neurosis, more loss of healthy control over that in you which can be controlled, namely the decision as to what you desire to think, the decision as to what you desire to feel, the decision as to what you desire to do, the decision as to what you desire to be. In other words, the determination of your inner course, of the inner direction you take. And since you and life are one and the same -- they cannot be different -- then you can fear life only to the extent that you fear yourself. You can fear others only to the extent that you fear yourself. You can fear nothing if you do not fear that in you which you keep secret -- secret even from yourself, or half so. If only one sets out to ascertain it, then the vague feeling of hiding something can be easily determined. You jealously defend this secret. And in this defense you alienate yourself more from the vital life energy and from the meaningful presence within yourself which alone can inspire you and guide you to fulfillment. By not being enriched in this process, you make yourself uselessly and needlessly unhappy.

Soon you come to the point when you must pretend that you do not believe in the existence of that part in you which you have every reason to trust. This is a pretense, because it seems easier to doubt this vital energy than to admit the fear of the secret and to give up the lie of your life. Even if that lie exists only in a small part of your being, it has the pervasive effect on you that everything seems a lie -- even that which you happen to be truthful about, truthful not only with yourself and others, but truthful per se. Your being alive can be a truthful phenomenon only when there is nothing to hide. Therefore, make the great decision now to no longer be ruled by your negativity, to no longer be ruled by your fear, to no longer be ruled by your cowardice, to no longer be ruled by your misconceptions, to no longer be ruled by your destructiveness, regardless of what emotions, thoughts, and desires you secretly harbor. If you state and restate the desire to give up this inner secret, then you meet the whole of you. If this desire is cultivated day in and day out and you mean it, then you cannot feel lost, you cannot feel confused, you cannot feel stagnant, you cannot feel disturbed, you cannot feel disharmonious, either with yourself or with others. There will be no anxiety, no befuddlement, no bitter hurt. All this can be avoided with the simple procedure outlined here: Meeting the whole of yourself without further hiding. To the degree that you were willing to do this in the past, to that degree you did experience its effects. But then you forgot it. Then you allowed yourself to be ruled once again by your unreasonable defenses against the truth in you.

Watch your evasions, notice how busy you make yourself with other issues that have nothing to do with this great question. See how you would rather deal with inclement issues, even within yourself. You overlook tell-tale reactions and opportunities for clarification and for liberation. Thus you do not make use of an important key that shows you the way.

I know that many of you have been immediately touched by what I have said in this lecture. Some may feel that this lecture was exclusively directed at them, because it happens to touch upon their immediate problem. But I am speaking to everyone. Some need it more specifically at this moment, while others are perhaps vigorously and favorably involved in the process I recommend here. But this may always fluctuate and change. Therefore, it is important to remember the simple formula of taking hold of yourself, instead of allowing yourself to be controlled by your negativity, thereby compounding your fear and your guilt, and thereby compounding your helplessness. For then you get away more and more from that point within where it is up to you to change, without strain or the unnatural exertion of control. Your life could be the most dynamic, the richest, and the most blissful experience imaginable. But you can determine your life in this way only when you no longer allow yourself to be a victim of your own negativity and of your own destructiveness. The simple formula of declaring your vigorous intent of not letting this be -- of not letting your cowardice defeat you, of not letting your fear defeat you -- will set in motion those powers which must bring you out of this trap. Then all your fears must dissolve like fog in the sun.

My dearest friends, the fear of your negativity and of your destructiveness is so heavy only because you believe that it is final, that it is a static thing, like a hard and fast object, indissoluble, compact. It seems to have an unchangeable substance. You see, this fear is justified in a way, but differently than you feel. It is justified only as long as you cling to it and only as long as you allow yourself to be controlled by it. For that length of time you cannot come out of it. The negativity and the destructiveness that you fear in yourself is substance, and it is unchangeable only as long as you do not wish to change it; only as long as you avoid looking at it in detail from up close; only as long as you decide -- inwardly and often unconsciously -- to keep a secret compartment. It is always your choice. As long as you choose to say No to looking at what is and then giving up what is destructive, then this choice -- just as all your choices -- must be honored. But once you decide for the positive alternative, then whatever negativity still exists in you will no longer feel disastrous, because now you know that it is not final. No matter how bad it is, it will not seem so bad because you will get to understand cause and effect. This will make a drastic difference in your inner experience and its climate. It will determine the course you take if you are willing to let go, to give up. Therefore, the worst in you is not one tenth as hard to bear as a tiny imperfection would be when the self keeps it secret, and is therefore unwilling to give it up. So what is bad about the secret, hidden self is not the actual measure of its badness, if there is such a thing, but the extent of the refusal to expose it and to see it, and the unwillingness to let go of it.

The meditation that this is what you intend to do -- first to face it and then to give it up -- represents the part of you that is available for self-determination at this moment. From there you will experience that there is nothing to fear, absolutely nothing. And you must finally come face to face with that rich, forever renewed, and unchangeably wonderful part in yourself through which you live vibrantly in absolute trust in yourself. Then all the limitations of your life must dissolve. Then you will find the world such a wide place, with so many beautiful possibilities of experience, right here at this moment and right now. In this new widening of your life there are not just two alternatives, one pseudo good and one pseudo bad, or two bad ones -- there are many beautiful alternatives. Desirable results are not either this or that, they are all-inclusive. The reality is that all the good can be had. There is no fear of fulfillment because it supposedly stagnates, for that happens only when you keep a tight check upon yourself. When you let go and, consequently, you vibrate unchecked, in fearless expansion, then fulfillment is a state of being in the now that need not be feared as an end; nor does the desire for all the good in creation need to be feared as a beginning that has no future, a beginning that hitherto was feared as ending either in disappointment or in a precarious fulfillment that one is not up to, that one does not know either what to do with or how to keep alive. Hence, a oneness is established between the outer you and the inner you. The struggle between the outer you and the inner you is given up when there is no longer a secret to be guarded. Hence, a harmful separation is given up and is mended. Consequently, aspects of living will not separate themselves for you in your experience of them. You will no longer fear the positive result as an unbearable end and you will no longer fear the negative as a beginning without a future.

Now it is up to all of you to take this final step. Some of you have begun, and to those I say: Do not let up. Renew forever more your intent of unguardedly revealing yourself to yourself, where nothing needs to be hidden, where nothing needs to be feared, where nothing needs to be avoided. And to those who still struggle at this point -- regardless of how long ago they started this pathwork -- I say, try it. Use the meditation I have suggested. Mean it. And when you discover the fear, then work on it. Expose it for what it really is. Stop denying it. For only then will you discover that there is nothing to fear, that all your distortions and all your contortions are in vain and are useless. For being what you really are right now, even in this most secret chamber, is so much better than what you inflict upon your psyche.

My dearest friends, if you find yourself in a bottleneck at the moment, then this lecture can be a key. If you are not, then it will help you to make the phases that are to follow much easier.

Are there any questions?

QUESTION: For the longest time I had difficulties with meditation. Now that I have overcome some difficulties, the results have been nothing short of miraculous. I would like to ask what this miracle is?

ANSWER: The miracle is a law of life, a law that you have just discovered. This law is that whatever concept you hold must manifest in your life. The truth of life, the reality of life, is unlimited good. To the extent that you can embrace, even questioningly embrace -- but honestly questioningly -- this possibility, to that extent this truth must unfold itself to you in whatever area you conceive it. Then this appears miraculous to the person who hitherto has embraced only negative possibilities. The fences exist where the possibilities of experience and the possibilities of unfoldment end in one's concept of life, in one's expectation of life, and in one's outlook on life. When more possibilities are discovered, then the fences begin to recede accordingly. The more scope of blissful, joyful experience the mind is able to grasp, the more of that must come into being, because in reality it is all there, available in unimaginable abundance. The narrow fences are always the result of personal distortion, of neurotic twists, and of destructive emotions.

Man cannot experience more than his concept of the possibilities of experience. For example, if you believe that happiness is impossible for you, then how can you possibly experience happiness? This is as logical as any physical law. For instance, if you move your body from here to there, then your body can only be at the spot you yourself have moved it to, not at any other spot. This is no more and no less miraculous than the law of the mind. As far as you can move it, this is where you find yourself with it. If you find yourself in a dingy, narrow, little room, then you need not remain there. But you cannot convince yourself of this fact unless you walk out of it and you discover that there are a lot of nicer places outside this little room. If you resist any attempt to help you out of it, perhaps on the ground that maybe there is no other room or space for you, then you cannot come out of it, regardless of how long you argue about it. You must make the actual move. This is what you must do with your mind. When you discover the room beyond -- that it actually exists -- then it will appear miraculous. Spiritually, mentally, and emotionally you often remain in a dingy little hole, with no possibility to stretch, to unfold, and therefore to experience beauty. When you finally test it and you discover the beautiful world outside the room -- how safe and how satisfying it is -- then you must experience it as a miracle. Then you will stretch and stretch your mind to more and more possibilities to unfold and to experience good, to more and more possibilities to give and to receive good. That is the miracle of creation. It is just as natural as your moving from one place to another. As long as your limbs are healthy, then that possibility is given to you. And if you have allowed your limbs to atrophy too long by their unnecessary incarceration, then through exercise and treatment they will heal. That is what you do with your psyche after it has lived for too long in a climate of negativity and exclusion; after it has lived for too long in limiting ideas which are the result of hiding from yourself and the result of the false fear of yourself. Once this is being given up, then the miracle must come to each and every creature in the universe. It is as logical a law as any law that you no longer find miraculous. The truth of creation is that there is unlimited freedom and that there are endless possibilities for the experiencing of good. Those possibilities are given to everyone. The healing of the limbs of your psyche -- for you to be able take advantage of that -- is the lecture I just gave: Giving up the frantic struggle of the inner secret chamber which you guard. As long as this is the case, then you cannot experience the wide-open possibilities of living and the unlimited potentials of your innermost being. It is precisely to that end that I help you. And I beg of you, do not overlook it. Do not close your eyes to the fact that you struggle against exposure of the secret part of you. Allow for the possibility that this struggle is a useless pain that you inflict upon yourself and which you can get rid of right now if you so desire.

With these words, I bless all of you, my friends. This blessing is meant to give you greater strength that can help you to activate those resources within you which then will help you in your efforts. Go on, do not let up in this beautiful, deeply meaningful, and completely rewarding undertaking. Do everything possible in this direction. Realize that where you need it most is precisely where you are most fearful, where you are most unwilling to look, and therefore where you are most unwilling to do this. But it is also where you will feel most rewarded and most liberated if you do what I suggest here. The freedom and the safety that you will then experience cannot be conveyed in words. These are not empty promises. Those of you who have experienced the truth of what I say here, at least to some degree, please help those who are momentarily in a state of illusion, where the fear seems out of all proportion. Those who find themselves in the latter state, please do not separate yourselves from those of your friends who can help you to overcome this hurdle. Do not be too proud, regardless of whether they have been in this pathwork for a long time or not, or whether they are less knowledgeable. Please help each other. You will not regret it. Thus much help can be exchanged.

Be in peace, know how wonderful is the peace of truth, by not shirking this truth. Be in God.

October 1, 1965