The Human Predicament Of The Desire For Closeness And The Fear Of Closeness

By The Pathwork Guide

Greetings, my dearest friends. Blessings for this meeting and for every step and every effort in your endeavor toward growth and unfoldment. May this lecture be a stepping stone on your road to selfhood and to self-realization.

Man's greatest struggle and greatest conflict is his desire to overcome isolation and loneliness while, at the same time, fearing relationship and close, intimate contact with another being. This struggle is so fierce because both desire and fear often are equally strong, so that man is in the position of pulling and pushing in opposite directions simultaneously. This causes a tremendous strain. His suffering when isolated must always push him towards attempts to overcome his isolation. When these attempts seem to succeed, then the fear of this success induces him either to retract from the other or to push away the other. And so it goes on. Man continues to first erect and then destroy the barriers between himself and others.

Let us understand a little more about this struggle. Every individual who finds himself on such a path sooner or later must see his own human predicament in this way. All his disturbances, all his disharmonies, and all his sufferings can be brought down to this common denominator. It finally comes down to this struggle. Man's destructiveness -- and his insistence on holding on to it -- not only represents the barrier that keeps him separated, but serves to maintain the barrier at the same time.

What is so tempting about closeness and so fearful about it at the same time? This is a very important topic. Much of it has been discussed before here and there, aspects and isolated fragments of it. But the time has now come when it is necessary to understand this human struggle in a more comprehensive and direct way.

Man's relationship to another individual can be successful only when he is motivated by his innermost being. In other words, when a relationship is not determined solely by the outer intellect and the outer will. For the outer intellect and the outer will cannot solve the problem of how to find the delicate balance of self-expression and yet allow the other person to express himself. In other words, to receive his self-expression. Since no rule can be made about the rhythm and the interchange of this mutuality, the outer brain cannot cope with this question. Only the inner self, the wiser self, the intuitive self is equipped to handle this matter. Nor can the outer intellect find the balance between self-assertion and giving in, the balance between giving and receiving, the balance between active participation and passive participation. These are all delicate balances which cannot be determined in a prescribed way. The outer intellect is an instrument which does just that: it prescribes, it predetermines, it thinks mechanically, it determines rules and laws. By itself -- that is, without the help of the higher self -- it is not sufficiently intuitive and flexible to meet the moment as it comes and then to respond to the moment in an adequate fashion. For that the core of man's being must be activated. Then a relationship exists in a spontaneous and adequate way.

When man is not in contact with his innermost being -- when he is separated from it -- then he can neither function properly regarding any aspect of life which requires creative responses, nor can he be in contact with another person's innermost being. And this is real relating. This is the kind of closeness which eliminates isolation. This is the kind of intimate expression and relationship which swings in the life stream and which brings a dynamic peace. Everything else is strain, effort, and difficult discipline, which is not amenable to the great freedom and joy of intimacy.

Man is terrified of himself. As a result of this fear of self, he does everything possible to avoid looking at himself. Only when he has overcome a specific difficulty and a specific resistance does he find that his fear was not justified. Then he experiences moments of aliveness because at that particular moment he has contacted his innermost being. When it is evaded, then real contact with others is impossible. And you know that evasion can exist in all sorts of ways. Man cannot allow himself the freedom and the lack of control that are necessary in order to respond from within if he has not contacted himself first. In other words, if he is not aware of what he really wants and of what he really feels in each moment.

Why is the fear of himself and the fear of contacting others so great? Basically, the fear is due to man's destructive aim. In other words, to his negative intent of refusing to give himself to life. This can be done in numerous ways. In the course of this pathwork many of my friends have encountered this destructive attitude deep within themselves. If man were truly willing to give not only what he is potentially, but what he already has realized -- in other words, if he were to offer the best he is willingly to life, if this were his conscious and deliberate aim -- then he could not be in conflict with himself, and therefore in conflict with life. For there are many wonderful assets that each one of you has. But these are assets which you either neglect or which you sense only vaguely. And even when you do sense them, it does not occur to you to offer these assets to life. Once you do that consciously and deliberately, then something must begin to happen. A great inner movement will take place. You have no reason to fear this, for it must all happen in beautiful order and harmony.

The moment an individual changes over from being an isolated creature who keeps his assets to himself and for himself -- and sometimes not even that, for they are often unused -- never intending to give these assets for the benefit of life and of evolution, and if so only vaguely, to the new state of consciously and deliberately dedicating the best he is to life, then the change within and outside -- in his life experience -- would be so drastic that words cannot describe it. What previously had been difficult, laborious, fearful, bleak, strained, and lonely now becomes easy, self-perpetuating, relaxed, safe, and bright. As a result, man must feel a deep sense of belonging and oneness with the world, with others, with the entire process of creation.

Until this change takes place, then you must be eternally in the whirlpool of wanting and fearing the same thing. And this is truly torture. At times you want more, at other times you fear more. The outcome must be problematic, painful, fraught with conflict, and peace robbing, because you pull and push in opposite directions simultaneously. The moment you change over in the way I just described, then everything falls into its place automatically. This is the real key. The struggle of wanting and fearing closeness with others, as well as the struggle of wanting and fearing intimate contact with one's innermost self, cannot be settled by making up one's mind to give up one of these two alternatives. This can never work. It can be resolved only when negative and destructive aims cease, when the best that you are is joyfully offered to life. Only then do you experience that there is nothing to fear from life except your own destructiveness. When that is given up, then the key to life is found.

Devote a few minutes every day to thoughts such as these: "Whatever I already am, I want to devote to life. I deliberately want for life to make use of the best that I have and of the best that I am. I may not be sure at this moment in what way this could be. But even if I do have some vague ideas, I will allow for the greater intelligence and wisdom that is deep within me to guide me. I will let life decide in what way a fruitful interchange between life and me can take place. For I know that whatever I give to life I have received from life. I wish to return it to the great cosmic pool so as to bring more benefit to others. I know that this desire to enrich others must inevitably enrich my own life to the extent that I willingly give to it, for life and I are truly one. Therefore, when I withold from life, then I withold from myself. Whatever I already am, I want to let it go and to let it flow into life. Whatever more is in me that can be utilized, and which is just waiting to be brought into fruition, I request, I decide, and I desire that it be put to constructive use so as to enrich the world around me."

If such thoughts are consciously and deliberately pursued and are deeply meant, then your problems must resolve, your pain must cease, and the solutions to problems which until now had seemed absolutely insoluble to you will appear on the horizon. I can promise you that, my friends. This, as well as all the other promises I have ever made, will be borne out. It will prove to be true.

But if you feel an inner disinclination, a no-current, a resistance when you pronounce these words, then you know what is responsible for your problems, what is responsible for the pain of your isolation, and what is responsible for the pain of your difficulty in communicating. For they both must be the same. To the degree that you suffer from isolation, to that degree interrelationship must be both problematic and painful. To the degree that you stem against overcoming your isolation, to that degree your isolation must be painful. The key lies in your desire to offer to life both what you already are and what more you can still be. When you express this desire, then you automatically release -- and can then bring to fruition -- more hidden potentialities than you could possibly visualize now, while you are still in your painful seclusion.

The best way to be in this harmony is to consciously and deliberately call upon the powers within you. When you know that these powers exist in you -- even before you have experienced them -- then knowing the truth, consciously and deliberately pronouncing this truth, and then opening up toward the realization of these powers must activate these powers in whatever constructive way you choose.

The second approach in order to reach this great harmony with the universe, with yourself, and with others is by cultivating an overall attitude which is compatible with these higher powers that exist in the kernel of your being. Such a compatible attitude means complete constructiveness in all your endeavors, in all your desires, in all your aims. If you meet each situation in total honesty and fullness, instead of the usual superficiality with which life situations are met, then your unconscious destructive aims must fall away. It is only by paying shallow attention to the self in regard to life situations that one can overlook the fact that the aim itself is often treated secondarily, while the primary aim of the personality is destructive. This can be subtle but it is nevertheless a frequent factor of great impact. Every issue is fully faced when you meet each issue at hand totally. Through this total meeting, this total paying attention to it, this looking at every aspect of it -- as well as looking at your relationships, looking at your real feelings, and looking at your true desires in connection with it -- you will find what your attitude really is. Therefore, you know whether it could be more constructive, more sincere, more fair. If this approach is cultivated, then the outer you and the divine powers within you are compatible.

There are those who cultivate only one of these two approaches. Some concentrate only on activating their hidden powers. Others concentrate only on meeting themselves and their outer destructiveness so as to eliminate the latter. Both approaches have their great value. But if one is pursued without also pursuing the other, then the results must be limited, for it is so easy to overlook what exists. In the first case the negative, in the second case the lack of awareness of the positive potentials limits their realization. The most effective is the application of both approaches. If both approaches are cultivated and, simultaneously, you truly desire that your life adds to life -- in other words, that your being, with all the good that is in you, contributes to life in whatever way possible -- then you will see a tremendous power at work in you. You will experience the peace, the safety, and the aliveness that must result when the inner being is activated. With this approach, you activate your inner being.

Another barrier toward wanting to add to life with the totality of your being is the ingrained error that if you add to life, then you deprive yourself. Conversely, that only when you grasp and are solely concerned with your own little advantage can you enrich yourself and do justice to your pleasures, to your desires, and to your advantages. This ingrained conviction governs and motivates all of you, at least to some extent. It is precisely where this image exists that you encounter trouble and frustration. This false conviction makes you behave, makes you act, makes you think, and makes you feel in a way that is damaging to life, that is damaging to others, and therefore that is inevitably damaging to yourself. Since you are unaware of the strength of your wrong conviction -- and, moreover, that it is an image -- you do not understand why it does not work out. You become more and more involved in confusion and in negative chain reactions whose nature and significance you cannot understand.

Nothing could be further from the truth than this conviction that it is you versus the other. Therefore, I recommend a deep meditation in which you set out to determine in what respect and to what extent you hold this erroneous belief. Once you are completely aware of its existence and of how much it controls you, then I recommend that you think of these words and that you try to apply them to the level that harbors the image. Try to bring this level of your being into the knowledge of the truth that only by the desire to add to life can you find, and then experience, that no pleasure you can possibly think of need be denied you. For then your whole psyche will be constructively geared, so that the highest pleasure must come, because you are activated and moved by constructiveness. Then you are activated not by destructive attitudes -- such as by your selfishness, by your isolation, and the attitude of me versus the other -- but by the attitude of me AND the other. When your psyche is geared to me AND the other, then there is no more conflict between giving and receiving. Then there is no more refusal to add to life. Consequently, sorrow, suffering, isolation, conflict, guilt, and frustration must cease. Then there can no longer be the terrible struggle that man goes through in which he suffers in his isolation, in which he wants to reach out, and yet the very minute he reaches, he pushes away the other. The moment he eliminates the barriers, because the suffering of his isolation becomes unbearable, he already sets up new barriers, because the fear of contact with others overwhelms him. This fear is the result of his negative and false conviction that he must preserve himself if he is not to be annihilated. And he holds this false conviction of life's malignant nature to the extent that his innermost aims are destructive and malignant, at least partially. This vicious circle between life's malignancy and man's need to set himself up against life can be broken only when man wants to contribute generously to life. Only then will he find that life is just as benign as his innermost being -- no more and no less.

The fear of uniting with others, the fear of meeting others, the fear of reaching out to others, the fear of intimate contact with others exists as long as the individual's psyche is negatively geared, negatively directed. The union that you long for must be frightening and it must appear as a question of me versus the other. As long as the depth of man's own psyche is frightening to him -- and it will feel frightening when he pursues negative, destructive aims -- then free self-expression is dangerous, contact with others is dangerous, and giving one's self up to the bliss of union must be desperately avoided because it threatens to eliminate control. Without this control, then the destructive aims take over and they threaten annihilation. Giving up control must appear as death -- in other words, as the giving up of both your selfhood and of your safety -- as long as the destructive aims persist, and therefore preoccupy the psyche. Thus, the only way to preserve one's individuality appears to be the building up of barriers around the self. This seems to keep the self intact. The inherent tragedy lies in the fact that as long as destructive goals exist in the psyche, then isolation gives one a sense of identity and it seems to preserve one's individuality. Only in negativity does the loss of control seem to lead to death or to the loss of power over oneself. In other words, mental disturbance is a result of this conflict.

But when within your psyche it is no longer me versus the other, but me and the other -- and therefore you give to life not only what you have but what you are -- then there is no fear of the loss of control. Because then the loss of control leads to more control in a better, fuller, healthier sense. In other words, with a completely constructive psyche the personality can trust its spontaneous, unchecked, free expressions. Now it can give itself up to the inner powers, so that a free-flowing, vibrating unity between the self and the life force exists. Although this appears like an act which relinquishes direct control, the fact is that through this act more constructive powers -- which lie dormant deep in the core of the self -- are activated. These inner forces will then make the self forever more adequate and will give it forever more control over life. As a result, you will be able to determine your fate in the best way possible.

When there is negativity in the psyche, then tightly gripping and holding on to the self is necessary. For otherwise the destructive aims not only become exposed to the self and to others, but there is the fear of their taking over action. Hence control seems necessary. But this control prevents union, it prevents free self-expression, and it prevents relaxed, joyful living. The tighter the control, the greater the danger that this false inner movement becomes unbearable in its tightness, until the psyche, in exhaustion, really loses itself in a process of extended self-alienation. This explains the apparent paradox that giving up control leads to better control, while tightly holding on to control must finally lead to the loss of control. All great spiritual truths seem contradictory on the surface. In order to perceive the unity behind such contradictions, it is necessary that you listen with your inner being. In other words, that you not try to comprehend merely with your intellect. The best way to verify such statements is by living their truth. And this can be done only by following these steps on your path.

Many of you are close to this all-important transition, when you leave your isolated life behind. It is a life of self-centeredness, of egocentricity, of greed, and of graspiness, while demanding the most of others. At the same time, you fear that others will not comply with your demands. You also fear that others will demand from you what you believe is dangerous to give. When man is still in this state, then he must be deeply troubled. But the threshold to pass from this state into the new state described in this lecture is very near and very easy. All you have to do is first to feel into and then to open yourself wholly to these words. In other words, if you allow these words to fill not only your intellect, but also to fill your inner being -- and if you are sincere in your goodwill to want to find the truth of me and the other -- then you will experience the truth of these words. You will experience how safe life can be, how easy life can be, and how joyful life can be when you dispense with the false necessity of pursuing your negative aims. For example, of almost spitefully defeating life, of defeating others, and therefore of defeating yourself. In short, of witholding the best that you are from life for the questionable safety and the shallow satisfaction of your negative aims. These negative aims have to become acutely conscious, so that they stare you in the face. Only then will their futility be comprehended. And only then will your personality dispense with them. Then you will no longer need to fight for and to obstruct at the same time what you want most, namely the satisfaction of being wholly yourself and of being accepted by another person as being wholly yourself. That means without masks, without pretenses, without barriers, and without the separating mechanisms that you think you have to use. When you dispense with the masks and with the barricades that you ardently put up all your life, then you will be free. As a result, you will know that what you are is good. But this knowledge can come only when that which already is good in you is joyfully offered to life.

Me versus the other spells out the whole human struggle. As simple as this is, an individual cannot understand these words unless he has made some progress on a path leading him within himself. Then he will know what these words mean. By first knowing and then grasping these words, he will come closer to passing over this threshold. All of you can take the first step in a very quiet meditation that says: "I decide to give up the error of me versus the other. There is no conflict between me and others. So I can give all of myself to others. I decide to give the best that I am to life without fear. Any fear that lurks within me is an error. I wish to rid myself of this error. I want to give myself over to the divine powers, to which I now open myself totally because I want to emotionally understand the truth that I and others are one, so that there is no conflict and so that I can give the best that I am. I leave it to these higher forces that this occur in harmony, in righteousness, without strain, and without effort."

Anyone meditating in such a way will increase the power within, he will increase the life within, he will increase the peace within, he will increase the light within. Then, all the struggle and all the pain must fall away, in exact proportion to this attitude being truly felt and deeply lived. Use this key and then all else will be added unto you. It is the greatest key that many of you are ready to use, provided you do not use them as superficial words which have no inner meaning. Many of you are now at the point when you can really mean these words, this new attitude. And then life will truly begin for you.

The first step may be that this simple beautiful formula is used as a general attitude toward life. In other words, as a general way of meeting life. As this is first tested as a general approach to life, then you will be able to apply it to your specific problems. When you look at it closely, then you will see that every problem can finally be brought down to this common denominator of fearing to give of yourself and of cultivating a negative, destructive -- or at least denying -- attitude toward life. That is why you have the problem. Therefore, as long as this condition prevails, then the particular problem must remain. You cannot cope with certain life situations because you withold yourself and because you believe in me versus the other. The consequences are that through a series of negative chain reactions you actually are being damaged, so that it appears as though me versus the other were a correct assumption. The more you adhere to this assumption, to this false image, the more shortchanged you must be in your particular problem area.

The peculiar fact is that people may be perfectly aware of the truth and therefore have a positive, constructive attitude toward life in certain areas. Hence in these areas they are fulfilled and happy. There is no struggle and no conflict. Everything goes easy, and positive chain-reactions are self-perpetuating (just as negative ones are). At the same time, in their problem areas they respond to life in a totally opposite way. And they are never aware of the difference in their response to life and, moreover, of the fact that this is the reason for their good luck or their bad luck. In other words, for their fulfillment or their frustration. This is why self-confrontation so as to see what one actually thinks, what one actually feels, and what one actually does is of such tremendous importance.

When you discover the difference in your attitude to life in various aspects of your inner life -- and you see the difference in manifestation and in experience -- then it will be easier for you to change over in your problem area from me VERSUS the other to me AND the other. Then it will be easier to give up the resistance to using the key of wanting to give of the best that you are to life.

Are there any questions now in connection with this topic?
QUESTION: Can you elaborate on the subject of holding on to control leading to loss of control?
ANSWER: When the conflict of me versus the other exists, then a strong control must be exerted. This control says: "I must hold on to myself, for otherwise I will be damaged." This control is based on a wrong conclusion. In other words, it comes out of a dualistic concept of life. Therefore, it must be a control that is both damaging and limiting. It it is the kind of false control that puts shackles on your best faculties and that prevents the best faculties of others from reaching you and therefore from affecting you. Because of this false control, the best in you cannot come out and reach others and the best in others cannot reach you. I am speaking to everyone.

This control is a tight wall, consisting of fear and a belief in duality. Man believes that he must defend himself against life by witholding not only the best he is, but also the best that he can be. This false belief erects an impenetrable wall that is an erroneous defense. Therefore, the stronger the control, the greater the wall, and the further man is alienated from the best in himself and alienated from the best in others. In other words, from all that is true, from all that is real, from all that is constructive, from all that is alive, from all that is blissful. Behind the wall, man suffers a separation from the best of life, which includes the best of himself.

When energy is constantly being used in a fruitless and futile way, such as by building walls that prohibit the best of life, then the moment must come when the entity loses control. Therefore, he is not capable of coping with life as it unrolls itself for him. He is unable to make use of his assets because he is almost frightened to find them. First being aware of them and then finding them leads to a natural flow of union with others. In other words, of letting others partake of them. This is the nature of anything good. Good cannot exist by itself. In other words, it must communicate itself to others. For it always includes others. Hence, when a person fears such inclusion of others and union with others, then he is forced to deny the best in himself. This can be verified by all of you when you detect a slight feeling of anxiety and discomfort at the very idea of allowing the best in you to unfold. There is a mechanism which holds you back, which makes it appear safer to be barren. In other words, to be unproductive of aspects which are naturally bent to include others and to unite with life and with others. The irony is that without these assets man cannot live adequately and he cannot cope with anything he encounters. Therefore, the control -- prohibiting himself from giving out and guarding himself against life -- must lead to a loss of control. In other words, to an inability to cope, in whatever fashion this may manifest for an individual.

When man is in the unity of being -- where there is no either/or, where it is me AND the other -- then no conflict exists between giving and receiving. There can be no conflict regarding control. If you do not fear giving, then you can fully receive. Therefore, you can never be shortchanged. When you fear giving, then you can never be open to receive. It is impossible. Therefore, you are constantly being shortchanged. Hence the wrong conclusion is being strengthened, so that then you close yourself up even more. But when you are in the truth of unity, then your freedom to want to offer what you are to life -- in other words, to want to enrich life -- will make you completely comfortable about receiving. All of you you can easily determine this fact. To the extent that you fear giving of yourself, to that extent you must be uncomfortable when you receive, even though you want to receive. So you subtly push aside what is given to you, even though your childish, selfish aim is to receive as much as possible and to give as little as possible. This cannot be. Not only because others refuse such an unfair deal, but also because you yourself close up against it. Your psyche cannot respond. When your psyche refuses to give, then it cannot open itself to receive. When you refuse to give, then it is more than guilt that makes you refuse to receive. In other words, it is more than the knowledge that you do not deserve to receive. It is more than atonement for this guilt. It is a simple question of a mathematical equation, like a law of physics. These laws cannot be broken, for they contain their own order. It is a question of psychic compatibility. Only the psyche that is in truth about giving and receiving, and which therefore can -- comfortably and painlessly -- give the best it is (and there is a difference between giving what one has, even one's assets, and giving what one is) will experience the great safety and the joy of this act. As a result, it can receive -- in exact proportion -- comfortably, painlessly, and joyfully, until the aspects of giving and receiving become one. When there is no effort about giving of yourself, then there will be no effort in your receiving. As a result, there will be no frustration. The person will no longer feel cheated, because he no longer cheats life by witholding from it what he is. Hence, the tight, anxious control becomes utterly superfluous.

The control which prohibits one's best must, perforce, also prevent the individual from using these best, highest powers to his advantage. These powers are covered up -- and therefore remain unused -- to the degree that their existence is ignored. That aspect of man which alone is competent to guide him and to inspire him cannot activate him as long as man remains in this condition.

I will leave you with the request, with the wish, and with the hope that all of you use the formula I gave you. Use it as much as you can. Want to use it. It will be such a healing power. It will change what is dull and dead into a dynamic lifestream. It will change what is hopeless into bright hope. It will change what is fearful into security and confidence. It will change your life from constriction into limitless possibilities. It will change darkness and isolation into light, into union, into companionship, into intimacy, and into the knowledge that you are loved just as you are. It will change from aloneness and from emptiness to abundance in every respect. My friends, these are not mere words, or a theory that you can vaguely believe in for a distant future. It is verifiable for each one of you, whenever you choose to test the truth of these words.

Be in peace, be in yourself, be in God.
November 26, 1965
Copyright 1965, by Eva Pierrakos