COMMENT: I had an experience along these lines where I made the decision to give up my destructiveness and cruelty and enlisted my divine self. I was going along nicely until the test came up, and then I just ran the other way. I couldn't face it -- and all the old negative, destructive emotions returned. I suffered and suffered. I couldn't stop it. I didn't know until now, when you mentioned it, that it was fear.
ANSWER: There you are exactly at the point I discussed now. Anyone else who has something to ask or to contribute?
QUESTION: This is a subject with which I have struggled for a long time and I am well aware of this fear. The only thing I can contribute here is to say that the only way I can work with it at the moment is through constant awareness of it and by meditation on the subject and the realization of the tremendous fear of joy and of relaxed happiness. Everything tenses up when things go well and I am happy. My whole body becomes almost incapable of relaxation, I get into too much activity. Even though it is outwardly constructive activity, it is destructive to happiness. And I would like to know if there is any other thing I can do at the moment to get out of this.
ANSWER: When you issue into yourself the desire for constructiveness, for happiness, and for fulfillment, then you should also express the knowledge that this possibility exists in you. At the same time it is necessary that you become more acutely aware of your deliberate destructiveness. For there is a direct tie between the two, as I have indicated in this lecture. To the extent that deliberate destructiveness is unconscious, and therefore cannot be given up, to that extent happiness cannot be embraced. When you comprehend the deliberate destructiveness, and in what form it exists -- not necessarily in action, but perhaps predominantly in hidden emotions, which can only lead to corresponding indirect actions, as well as to vague thoughts and to half-conscious wishes -- when this is concisely crystallized in your consciousness, then you will understand what blocks you. Then the next step we are coming to will be available to you. As I have said, I will go more fully into this topic in the next lecture. We may also have some more preparation in our session devoted to questions and answers. We shall go into an entire lecture about this fear, but under no circumstances can this fear be comprehended when the deliberate destructiveness is not conscious. This is what I advise you to work on, my dear.
QUESTION: I have become aware of this destructiveness quite recently. It is very clear to me that this destructiveness is directed against my mother. I sabotage the positive aspects of life because I want to spite her and, in a way, prove to her that whatever she expects of me I am not going to fulfill. Now, this is quite clear. At the same time there is a resistance to change it. When I find myself in a situation when I can choose to no longer wish to adhere to this irrational, senseless pattern, something stops me. I feel that I am afraid of giving up something which I am not able to pinpoint, except that I know that I cling to it tenaciously. It is the same kind of hope which would be some kind of a magical transformation of my life. Maybe you can give me a little illumination about this fear.
ANSWER: Let me say only this about this fear now. It is a fundamental fear of dissolving. You might call it the fear of death, but it is more than that. It presents itself when man is in flux, when the personality is truly vibrating in the harmony of the cosmic forces, which might be in what is called death. It also occurs in other instances, but it does not always occur in so-called death. This depends on the state of development. The fearful person feels this as a terrifying dissolution of the self. This fear also applies to union between the sexes. It exists in any creative state in which the ego is not very strongly tied to the inner being. It is this dissolving and unifying with the universal stream of being which man fears. Such dissolving and giving up of the little self also happens in unhealthy states through sickness, through drugs, etc. When the ego is lost because it was too weak, then it is unhealthy. But when man has gained a healthy ego, then he must come to the point when he can let go of it. This letting go appears frightening. It is a question of trust. As long as man does not have a deep trust in himself, then he cannot trust the universal forces. By letting go of the little ego, he will become more of an individual and will re-find himself. This trust in the self grows commensurately with the giving up of the destructiveness. Before man can let go of himself, he first has to give up the destructiveness. When he understands this fear, then it will be easier to do it. This is, roughly speaking, the deep, inherent fear.
QUESTION: Would you say that over-emotionalism is destructive?
ANSWER: Of course, everything that is "over," exaggerated, implies an imbalance, a disturbance.
QUESTION: How can you fight it?
ANSWER: Fighting implies a forceful disciplining away by suppression, and this is not real development. Real development must produce a personality that does not need to be on its guard all the time, that can afford to be relaxed, and that is confident in its own inner processes. This state can be attained by investigating in what particular way this over-emotionalism exists. It probably manifests only in certain ways, while other emotions are impoverished in proportion with the overflow of emotions in other respects. When the personality does not dare to invest natural, spontaneous feelings in certain areas -- out of fear, out of alienation, out of a deliberate and false defense mechanism -- then there is an over-emotionalism in other areas, as always happens in the human personality. When the natural order is disturbed, then nature tries to re-establish balance. This balance must be re-established for the personality to be in harmony and in peace. When the under-emotionalism has been corrected and the individual is allowed to fill this void, then the over-emotionalism will cease. Both manifestations are painful: the emptiness, as well as the too much. When harmony has been attained, then both these pains will turn into pleasure.
QUESTION: I stick to a guilt feeling because I get a negative, destructive pleasure out of it. If I would let go of this, I would feel (perfectly irrationally) that then, being happy, I would fear death. I feel that death does not matter when I am unhappy, so I do not permit myself to be happy.
ANSWER: The moment you can recognize such a thing, then you have the power to give it up. Again, this amounts to the fear of death. In other words, to the fear of having no individuality, no consciousness. This fear can be met only when trust exists -- primarily trust in the self. But this trust cannot be established as long as the personality plays such magical, childish, bargaining, and dishonest games.
March 18, 1966
Copyright 1966, the Center for the Living Force, Inc.