Conciliation Of The Inner Split

By The Pathwork Guide

Greetings to all my friends. Blessings for every one of you. May these words not be just a meaningless phrase, but may you be able to feel into their deeper meaning, so as to be strengthened and enlightened by the reality of this force that is flowing into you. For if you are dull to it, then you cannot feel it and therefore it cannot penetrate you.

The same principle exists in human life. When man is only cognizant of -- and therefore sensitive to -- the outer manifestations of life, then he cannot feel at home within himself. Therefore, he cannot feel at home in life. Such alienation is a direct result of his unawareness of the inner reality of human life. A deliberate tuning into deeper, more sensitive layers of experience is required in order to cultivate and then gradually increase this awareness. A very deliberate and yet relaxed attempt must be made to feel the underlying causes of the outer results in your life. All sorrow, all unhappiness, all emptiness, all unfulfillment, all frustration, and all suffering are caused by being disconnected from the causes within yourself.

This lecture is a direct continuation of the last one and therefore will be best understood when you follow it in sequence. Some of it must be repeated in order not to lose the thread. As I mentioned in the last lecture, you produce whatever you experience. Unhappiness actually means that you have created these unpleasurable experiences through your errors, your misconceptions, your negative feelings, and your destructive behavior patterns. What is worse is that you do not know this. In other words, you do not know that on one level you want something and on another level you deny it. Not knowing that you deny what you consciously wish is the greatest pain. It is so painful because you pull into two opposite directions. When you get closer to the fulfillment of your conscious wish, then your unconscious shrinks away from it in terror. The resulting frustration confuses you, frightens you, and makes you hopeless with life. It causes you to summon your most destructive defense mechanisms, which only increases the unconscious denial, the destructiveness, and the conscious frustration. The soul movements pulling in opposite directions make you feel like being -- literally -- torn apart. The pain of not understanding what goes on increases the inner tension. The more hopeless it all seems, the more does the conscious self strive and grasp. Such tense motion -- even toward the desired goal -- defeats it, for it arises from hopelessness, from doubt, and from an urgency which works counter to the smooth movements of the universal flow.

This division is the real pain. He who is aware of this division and who experiences it consciously is blessed, for in that moment a great deal of tension disappears. I would like to discuss this a little further, since it is so all-important. It is absolutely impossible for man to find home within himself and to feel at home in his life if he does not perceive that layer within him that says No to what he most strenuously says Yes to on the surface.

It is not easy to get to this. You can begin to first think about this principle and then make room for its reality in your mind by strengthening your will to find what it is in you that pulls into the opposite direction from where you outwardly and consciously move. That will must be continuously strengthened and encouraged. And yet even those of my friends who are on this path most successfully, and perhaps for the longest time, forget again and again. When they are unhappy, then they automatically -- at least emotionally -- blame this onto someone or something else. The moment this is done, then further damage occurs. For then it becomes more difficult to extricate oneself from this pattern of inner behavior. In its wake it brings other destructive attitudes: stubbornness, blind resistance, the desire to punish those whom one considers responsible for the unhappiness. And it also brings deliberate self-destruction in one form or another, as a way of punishing those responsible. This is a prevalent attitude that exists in everyone to some degree. It is most poisonous, and therefore most deadly, when it is still unconscious and hence rationalized.

When you are unhappy, then first of all look for that part in you that says No, for whatever reason. Second, look for the part that blames others, even if only subtly, indirectly, and secretly. Look at your emotions and find the place where you make a case either against another person, against a situation, or perhaps against life as a whole. Then see this particular displacement that you make. Because, no matter how wrong others may be, they can never be responsible for your suffering, no matter what the appearances are.

Perhaps you do not blame anyone, but you might overly blame yourself, in a very destructive way that becomes a dead end. Blaming others or blaming yourself amounts to exactly the same. For this kind of self-blame is only a disguise for violent hate of and the subsequent blame of others. In this kind of attitude -- that beats the self over the head -- lies a similar streak of vindictiveness, only it may be less direct.

If you wish to connect yourself with the causes of your suffering and truly remove these causes, then you must follow this process. You must really want to see where you say No to what you want most, no matter how impossible this may seem at first. Question your emotions extremely carefully and then look at them when it comes to practical reality. Somehow you act contrary to what you imagine you want so much.

When you find this basic knot in your soul substance, then you will become aware of certain emotional tensions that prohibit the free-flowing feeling of the life force. This free-flowing feeling can affect you only when you are in harmony with the laws of life. Denying the truth of your saying No and then blaming others, and then denying this blame as well, is a violation of the laws of life. For the laws of life are not only truth, but they also mean seeking all the causes in the self, where they really are. Placing them outside is a total distortion of reality. One then deals continually with half-truths. And it becomes much more confusing and difficult to extricate yourself from half-truths than from untruths. Therefore various negative emotions, tensions, and distorted concepts come into existence.

The next step is the detached observation of the movements of the soul. The atmosphere that you live with inside inexorably emanates from you and affects everything around you. When you become quiet and you listen into yourself, then you will feel it and you will know what it is that moves you and motivates you, no matter how subtle it may be. It is always a complexity of interacting, chain-reaction producing, and contradictory feelings and concepts, one overlapping the other, all somehow and mysteriously connected.

When man is in harmony with life because he is connected with his own causes and effects, then his position toward the forces of life can be compared to a swimmer. The swimmer floats on the water. The water carries him, and yet he moves, he is not passive. If he were entirely passive, then he could not be sustained by the water -- not in the long run. But if he is too active -- moving too tensely and too anxiously -- then there is no pleasure in swimming, nor is it safe. The water will control him, rather than support him. He must move in a rhythmic, relaxed, confident way; confident in the power of the water to carry him and confident in his ability to move smoothly and purposefully. The more rhythmic, relaxed, and harmonious his movements are, then the less strenuous moving is. Movement then becomes effortless and self-perpetuating. A very secure and pleasurable relationship exists between the water and the body. There is a wonderful balance between the active forces and the passive forces of the person swimming, a balance which determines the harmonious relationship between him and the water. This determines the balance between the human body and the body of water. This means that in spite of the justified truth that the water carries the body, the person does not deny his responsibility, his participation, in the act of swimming, or even of floating. This is a very apt analogy to man's position in the universe and his relation to the universal forces. His ego must be active in a healthy and relaxed way. He must not abdicate or negate the participation of the ego in the act of living. Nevertheless, he fully trusts, and therefore puts his weight on, other forces, on which he then floats.

This floating movement -- the sensation of being carried by life -- is a byproduct of the path which you are on. The more you face your inner difficulties and the causes of your suffering, the more you will develop this feeling -- and the more the relationship between the ego and the universal forces will establish itself automatically. This will happen in a way that is both relaxed and strong. You will feel yourself floating, being carried, and yet actively participating and self-determining.

This is a wonderful way of being. It is the way of being. Nothing can replace it. No substitute solution you seek and hope for can ever equal the feeling of selfhood -- of your own power, of your own strength -- when you connect with that in you which causes your evil experiences. Only then can you resolve the problems that cause these experiences.

This step is not easily taken. Everyone who approaches this path resists to find the causes within himself. If all goes well, then this attitude diminishes as the person progresses. But he who is at the beginning clings to the unconscious hope of finding the causes of his suffering outside of himself. He does not realize that nothing would be gained by this, even if it were possible. For then he would not be able to change his fate, since he cannot change others. But the blind fear of imperfection and the concomitant pride overlook this fact. Thus the struggle goes on to pin the fault outside the self. It is the greatest step a human being can undertake when he can say to himself: "With all my heart and with all my might I wish to recognize the cause of my suffering within me." The more this thought is cultivated, the more does something happen inside. Therein lies all hope and the salvation that one is seeking. This step must be taken at one point or another.

Now I will come to the next step. At first it may seem even more difficult than the previous one, but actually it is not. All these difficulties are illusory. The unconscious of man fears finding the cause of unhappiness within the self. However, this fear is an illusion. Anyone who has ever done so will confirm the fact that it brings relief, safety, and confidence in life. It is only your pride that keeps you from fully wanting to find the cause within. And so it is with the next step that seems so difficult. When you get to these basic causes -- which make you deny the very thing that you most wish for -- then fear, pride, and selfwill are always involved. Years ago I spoke of the fact that these are the three basic faults and the evils of humanity. Fear is a fault because it implies distrust. Fear arises out of hate. Fear must always exist to the degree that the person is unhappy about his character. Otherwise it could not exist. As I outlined in the last lecture, the fears that accrue from self-dislike breed fear of life and fear of the life processes. They breed the fear of life, the fear of death, the fear of pleasure, the fear of letting go, the fear of self, the fear of change, the fear of the unknown, the fear of being imperfect. In other words, any fear whatever. These fears are all illusions. You cannot overcome a fear unless you go through it. This is the second, seemingly so difficult, step. If the individual shies away from finding the causes of suffering within the self, then he shies away even more from this step. All his energies are geared in the direction of circumventing that which he fears. And that must always prove a way of error and disappointment.

Man cramps up against that which he fears. The more he cramps up against it, the more he alienates himself from the center of his being from which all good must come. He becomes more and more contracted, and he therefore enters a state in which it is impossible to float. Imagine a swimmer in such a physical state of constriction and contraction. He must sink. And so it is with man in life.

The constriction creates all sorts of knots in the personality -- physical knots, mental knots, and emotional knots. These knots cause a disconnection from the soul substance, from which and through which all the solutions, all the wisdom, and all the well-being spring forth. How can an illusion be exposed as such if it is never gone through? Never by hearsay, no matter how much you trust those who tell you so. You can find out the truth only when you go into it. Thus it is impossible to penetrate the fear of that which you want most -- life, pleasure, fulfillment, the realization of your potentials, success in every way, meaningful living, health, love, companionship, and being connected with the processes of life. All this cannot come when you are in fear. Yet how do you suppose to get out of fear? Do you still expect an omnipotent, benign authority to remove it from the outside? Would this ever really solve anything and reassure you for good? Certainly not. The only genuine reassurance is knowing your capacity to first meet and then deal with what you fear intelligently and realistically. This can be done only by fully going into it, never by evasion. The courage to accept what is inevitable strengthens the capacity to find genuine and meaningful ways of avoiding unnecessarily feared events. Once again, make a a list of your fears. I said this years ago, but now you know much more of your innermost self, so that such a list will be more profound.

Look at your fears. To what extent are they caused by pride? To what extent are they the result of a rigid selfwill, one that is unwilling to bend, unwilling to change, unwilling to flow with the stream of ever-changing life? Fears must be met. But in order to be met, they must be ascertained first. They must truly be faced up to, painstakingly and specifically -- not glossed over in a general way. That will never do. It is essential that you first name the fear concisely and then think it through.

This makes the next step possible. Look at the fear squarely in the face. Have the integrity and the courage to go through it if it cannot be helped. The self-respect and the self-like that come from such an attitude are more important than anything else. All depends on that. Then you will become capable of alleviating that which is not really necessary. Some undesirable events come to you because you have set their effects in motion a long time ago and therefore the causes cannot be eliminated quickly. Thus the effects must be borne. By doing so you can avoid to set new undesirable results in motion. Such strength and such ability grows from the direct, head-on facing of each situation, not treating it as if it were a phantom, a ghost that you cannot grasp or touch, and which you, just because of that, inordinately fear. In this way you only breed more terror.

The unification of the tremendously painful division in you of wanting the thing you fear and of fearing the thing you want can mend only when you look at the cause of this split of desire and motivation. When you face the fears squarely, then you must face your pride, which makes you so perfectionistic that you fear to fall off this self-appointed pedestal. Many of your fears will dissolve when you are willing to give up your pride. Then you will see the unfairness of your blaming either life or other people for what is really in yourself, no matter how imperfect and how wrong others also are. When you deny the cause of your suffering within and you place it outside yourself, then you always commit an unfairness, you are never in truth. It is always pride that makes facing the fear impossible.

When you reverse your old habit pattern of blaming others and circumventing what you fear, then something extraordinary will begin to happen -- little by little and, as always, at first with relapses. Your soul substance begins to change. The experience that you will have at first will be the following. After you become concisely aware of the climate that you live in within your personality, then it automatically loses a certain binding power. You are more detached in the act of seeing yourself in the grips of it. When this goes on for a while, then you will begin to sense another reality underneath this level on which all of you are tortured, anxious, numb, hopeless, and twisted in pain. This level of reacting -- where one fluctuates between twisted anxiety, torture, and hopelessness on the one hand, and numbness or lifelessness on the other -- is assumed by a big part of humanity to be the natural state of being, of existing, of functioning. Generally speaking, man does not even conceive of anything else, of any other inner state, because he is not even aware of the fact that this is his state. Therefore when you see yourself in this state, then you come much closer to sensing another state behind this one, as it were.

At first it will occur only occasionally. But later it will become more frequent. Underneath the tortured level a new way of being evolves. You will experience both simultaneously. I venture to say that some of my friends on this path have already experienced this new reality. They will readily confirm my words to be true. It is a feeling of immense safety, of well-being, of vibrancy, of peace, of aliveness. It is a flowing feeling of utter confidence. It is this feeling of being carried and yet deeply knowing that the power exists within to govern life in the best possible way.

As I said, this experience will first come simultaneously with the usual anxious, hopeless, unhappy state. It is a gradual transition in the course of which both the old and the new are experienced together, either side by side, or one superimposed over the other. The new is as yet only a vague feeling deep inside the self. But gradually it becomes more predominant, until it takes over and replaces the old. The latter now recurs just as rarely as the true inner reality of life was experienced at first. To function on two levels of your being at the same time is, in itself, a good experience, for it brings the split into full focus.

This simultaneousness of two levels is a very distinct experience on the path. It should be expected -- in other words, it should not come as a surprise -- and it should greet you with the confirmation that you are indeed on the right way, on the right path. When these two conflicting states are experienced at the same time -- raking anxiety, anguish, depression, and a deep peace and well-being -- then the former has no power any longer. You see it for what it is. However, this will not remain that way. It will alternate, it will fluctuate, you will lose what you had found, and therefore you will occasionally wonder whether it was real.

When you regain it, then you will know that nothing could be more real. You have to battle your way again and again through periods when you are thrown back into the old state, without being in the new one. Each battle indicates another milestone that makes the attainment of the real state of life more secure and more permanent. It will be lost less and less often, until total self-realization is attained. Then it becomes the normal state.

What I wish to stress here is perhaps somewhat confusing at first, since words are so limited. In this state all intensity vanishes. This statement is confusing only when you associate intensity with depth, with involvement, with delight, with ecstasy. I mentioned this factor once before in a different context (No 151). It is very important to understand this principle. Not only is man habitually tense, but he is tense because of an intensity that is directly related to the state of duality: of believing in something very good versus something very bad. This duality makes a painful cramp inevitable. Anything which you do not want, you intensely push away. Anything which you desire, you intensely grasp. You grasp for the good because you fear the bad, and you also fear not attaining the good. Anything which you intensely avoid, you must fear.

The peaceful, secure state I mentioned -- the only state in which total pleasure exists -- is completely free from this cramped intensity in either grasping for or avoiding. Thus they are really both the same in soul movement. How is deep pleasure possible in such a condition? This is why it is such folly to believe that pleasure is possible only in an intense state. The good of the duality is an illusion, for it never fulfills. The reconciliation of all the dualities is the fearless pleasure supreme that comes from the floating state I mentioned earlier. In this state all is welcome, all is good, even though one may be preferable. The words may sound like indifference and detachment, like shallowness of experience. But these are distortions of the state I now describe. This misunderstanding often occurs about spiritual philosophies, particularly the Eastern ones. It is untrue that in the state of self-realization one is so detached that one cares about nothing and that one is indifferent to pleasure. But the pleasure that you are used to -- the pleasure which is the opposite of pain -- must become less intense, just as the pain will become less intense when you learn to go through what you fear. This going through it mends the split of the duality. It lessens the intensity both of the pleasure and of the pain. It enables the soul to go through anything and remain in a flowing state of experiencing life as it really is. The healing of the split creates a shift and it brings the soul onto a new level of experience. It is a level where all is one.

Anyone on such a path eventually notices that the pain that is no longer feared -- and hence fought against, struggled against, and avoided -- becomes less intense, until it ceases to be pain at all. By the same token, your old immature pleasures cease to be attractive and therefore no longer yield any satisfaction for you. New deeper pleasures now arise, pleasures that are not the opposite of anything. They are an opposite-less reality. They are infinite and they are inexorable.

The idea that pain and pleasure become more similar may sound impossible and even preposterous. I admit that it is difficult to explain or to describe to anyone who has not gone through certain experiences on such a path. But anyone who has been near such an experience will feel what I mean. He will comprehend the misery in his soul when he grasps on the one side and he wards off on the other. The courageous attitude of going through what is self-produced -- and which is therefore inevitable -- must not be confused with masochism, with deliberate self-destruction, or with hopeless resignation. It requires an unexaggerated honesty to face up to what is within. This begins to take the hard edge off the emotions and makes them bearable. It is the beginning of the unification. In this attitude any painful feeling loses its terror because it no longer seems the final state. It is known to be temporary, and therefore it is experienced as such.

The experience of pain turning into pleasure -- and thus becoming one -- does not have to wait either for a far-away future, or for a mystical state when you are much further advanced in your development. Anyone on this path can experience it at any time he truly faces up to himself. For example, a few of you have experienced how anxiety can loosen up as you fully face it and understand it, as you express it directly, and as you convert it into its component parts of other emotions you had denied -- perhaps rage, hurt, sadness. When these emotions are fully experienced, then the torturous feelings turn into warmth and pleasure. Feelings of alive peace accompany this experience. When you no longer run away from your feared emotions, then both your body and your mind will be streaming in pleasure currents. This happens invariably and inevitably when one is deep within the self, where no duality exists, where all is one, where your own causes and your salvation must be found. Then, no matter what the experience, it must become pleasurable. Such pleasure is of an entirely different nature from the pleasure that is opposed to pain in the dualistic state. On the level of duality, pleasure is feared as annihilation, while at the same time one fears to lose it and to fall into its opposite. The completeness, the wholeness of the unitive pleasure may also be intense, but in a very different way than ordinary intensity. It knows no fear and no cramp. It involves the total personality.

In order to come to this level you must go through these steps with your helpers. Also, in your approach to yourself, through meditation, make up your mind, again and again, and say: "I want to face the cause of the evil in my life. I want to face that which causes my suffering. I truly want to look, with courage and with honesty, at all the truth both in me and around me." The more you do this, the more this path will help you by its own self-perpetuating forces which are thus activated. Then each successive step must become easier.

Now are there any questions in regard to this topic?

QUESTION: At the coming together of pleasure and pain, could it be said that they come together when you experience pain as a feeling, that the common denominator is when the self experiences both of them as a feeling, when even the feeling of pain becomes pleasurable because it is experienced?

ANSWER: You are quite right. I would put it this way. The moment the personality ceases to struggle against a feeling, then the pain ceases and it becomes pleasurable. This is why a person who can say "I am intensely angry" experiences this anger in a totally different way than when he is struggling against the anger and therefore lets it out in a haphazard way. Then one faces, accepts -- and therefore ceases to fight against -- what is. There is no denial, no attempt to negate. The same applies to any emotion. The moment it is fully acknowledged, then one begins to see it for what it is. Thereby it dissolves, for it is always an illusion.

Then it reconverts itself into its original real substance. Anyone who has not yet experienced this may misunderstand it and confuse this acceptance with condoning and with finality. It merely means stopping the struggle against what is in you. This is a struggle that is always conducted out of the motives of pride, of fear, and of selfwill.

Often you are unaware of your struggle against what is in you. Then you disclaim it, you profess to accept willingly what is, but you are "unable" to find it. Let this be proof to you of the fact that you have not yet accepted what is in you, that somewhere you fight yourself, and thus you put yourself into a painful state, whether you are aware of it or not. So, rather than denying the struggle, let your mood, let your inner feeling be the determining factor which tells you where you are within yourself.

QUESTION: Would the same apply to the fear of death? That the moment one accepts the experience of it, then it ceases to be frightening?

ANSWER: Absolutely. This is quite true.

QUESTION: Recently I have come to the realization that all my anger and sarcasm are displaced positive feelings, especially overwhelming feelings of love. I am terrified of expressing these enormous feelings in certain particular instances. Could you help me in that? I am afraid of the consequences.

ANSWER: Yes, this is a wonderful step. First of all, ascertain concisely what it is that you are afraid of. Much of it is pride. Furthermore, there is also a certain amount of greed involved here, in the sense of refusing to accept a possible frustration or denial. It seems absolutely unbearable to you that if you were to express your desires, your love, or your tenderness, that it might not be reciprocated. It would seem like annihilation. This is not true. As you know from your own experience, in the present state that you are in -- which is more or less the state in which most individuals find themselves -- it is not that you refuse to respond because you necessarily find the other person unlovable. It is mostly because you are frightened of the experience. When you give up both the self-centeredness and the greed of the infant who cannot brook denial, then it will no longer be the end of the world if you are not assured of reciprocation. Then you will automatically develop the intuition to know when and how to express your feelings. Sometimes the expression of feelings may be frightening for those who are still immature. They recoil. But not because they do not appreciate you as an individual, but because they cannot handle the feelings. Only when you are not a child yourself will you see it in that way. Then you will regulate your expression. But not in a miserly, self-centered, vain way, not due to a lack of generosity and feeling, not out of pride, fear, and selfwill, but out of the wisdom and the intuition that recognizes who is ready and who is not, and that recognizes how a person is able to receive what you have to give. In other words, you will be able to allow these wonderful feelings, whether or not it is possible to express them in a direct way, wether or not the other person is able to take them in at all times. The fact that you have these feelings is in itself the most precious treasure, the most wonderful experience, for it makes you alive and streaming with pleasure. It gives you true security. For, to the extent that you can acknowledge and allow these feelings, to the extent that you can either express them or simply have them, as the case may be, to that extent you will automatically attract the kind of individuals who will be able -- just as you are -- to feel, to receive, and to give good feelings. Or, you will be able to help those you are involved with to become that way, provided they are willing to grow.

No problem can be so severe that it cannot be helped and solved, provided you truly want to go to the roots of it, provided you wish to look at whatever truth is in you, and provided you are then ready to change where it is indicated. Conversely, no problem can be so insignificant as not to be hopeless if this attitude is lacking. If you are willing to face the fact that at one point you have denied your good feelings and you have deliberately turned them into bad ones, then you will come out of the pain of self-hate.

Be blessed, all of you. Be in peace, be in God.

February 2, 1968