The Spiritual Significance Of Human Relationship

By The Pathwork Guide

Greetings, my dearest friends. Blessings for every one of you. Blessed be your life, blessed be your every breath, blessed be your thoughts, and blessed be your feelings.

Many of my friends are indeed progressing. Sometimes this progress manifests, at least temporarily, as a crisis. You know this as a principle, but it is easy to forget this spiritual law when you are submerged in a crisis. Therefore, it is all the more important to remember that there is a deep significance in the crisis that you are experiencing. Your attempt to understand it at its very depth will bring you liberation and joyous living all the more quickly, liberation and joy that are both real and permanent.

This lecture deals with the relationship between human beings and with its tremendous significance from the spiritual point of view. First of all, I would like to point out that on the level of manifestation in human life individual units of consciousness do exist. These units sometimes harmonize, but more often they conflict with one another and create friction and crisis. Yet behind this level of manifestation there are no different, fragmented units of consciousness. There is only one Consciousness, of which every created entity is a different expression. When one comes into one's own, then one experiences this truth, without however losing a sense of individuality. This can be felt very distinctly when you deal with your own inner disharmonies. The exact principle applies there also.

In your present state, a part of your innermost being is developed. This part of you governs your thinking, governs your feeling, governs your willing, and governs your acting. Other parts of you are still in a lower state of development. They also govern and influence your thinking, your feeling, your willing, and your acting. Thus you find yourself divided. This is a state which always creates tension, pain, anxiety, inner difficulties, and outer difficulties. Some aspects of your personality are in truth, others are in error and in distortion. The resulting confusion causes you grave disturbance. Usually a person pushes one side out of the way and identifies with the other. This superficial denial of part of what exists cannot bring unification. On the contrary, it only widens the split. What must be done is first to bring out the deviating, conflicting side and then to face it. In other words, to face the entire ambivalence. Only then will you find the ultimate reality of your undivided, unified self. Unification and peace emerge to the degree that you first recognize, then accept, and third understand the nature of your inner conflict, of your inner split.

The same principle applies to the dissension between entities who seem outwardly separate and therefore different. Behind the level of appearance they are also part of one Consciousness. The dissension is not caused by actual differences but, as with the inner dissension in one person, by differently developed aspects of the manifesting Universal Consciousness. The principle of unification is exactly the same. Yet this principle cannot be executed with another person unless it has been applied to one's inner split first. In other words, if the divergent parts of a self are not approached according to this truth and if the ambivalence is not faced, accepted, and understood within a self, then the process of unification cannot be put into practice with another person. This important fact explains the emphasis of this pathwork on one's unification process. Only then can relationship with others be cultivated in a meaningful and effective way.

In this lecture I shall outline some elements of dissension and of unification between human beings and show how these parallel the individual process. First of all I should like to say that relationship represents the greatest challenge for the individual. For it is only in relationship with others that one's unresolved problems -- the difficulties and the conflicts that still exist within the individual human psyche -- are affected and activated. Because of this, many individuals withdraw from all contact with others and from any interaction with others. Sometimes the illusion can be maintained that the problems arise from the other person, because one feels disturbance only in the presence of others and not when by oneself.

Being alone elicits the inner call for contact. The less that contact is cultivated, the more acute does the longing for contact with others become. This is a different kind of pain from that felt in the presence of others. It is the pain of loneliness and frustration. Contact makes it difficult to maintain the illusion that the inner self is faultless and harmonious. It requires mental aberration to claim repeatedly that others and not the self are the cause when problems arise in a relationship. This is why relationship is simultaneously a fulfillment, a challenge, and a gauge to one's inner state. The friction that arises from relating with others can be a sharp instrument for self-recognition and for purification.

Many aspects of one's inner problems are never activated when one withdraws from this challenge and thus sacrifices the fulfillment of intimate contact. The resulting illusion of inner peace and of unity has even led to the false idea that spiritual growth is furthered by isolation. Nothing could be further from the truth. Intervals of seclusion are certainly necessary for inner concentration and for self-confrontation. But these periods should always alternate with contact. The more intimate such contact is, the more it bespeaks of spiritual maturity.

Both contact with others and the lack of contact with others can be observed in various stages between the two extremes of isolation and of intimacy. At one end is total -- both outer and inner -- isolation. At the other end is the deepest, the most intimate relatedness. That relatedness contains a capacity to love others, a capacity to accept others, a capacity to deal with others, a capacity to deal with mutually-arising problems, a capacity to find a balance between self-assertion and giving in, a capacity to give and to receive, and a capacity to be acutely aware of the interacting levels between the selves. Some people have obtained a certain superficial ability to relate, but they still withdraw from more meaningful, more open, more unmasked inner mutual relating and contacting. The average human being of today fluctuates somewhere between the two ends of the pole.

One can measure one's personal sense of fulfillment or frustration by the depth of relatedness and intimate contact, by the strength of feelings that one permits oneself to experience, by one's openness, and by one's willingness to give and to receive. The degree of frustration indicates an absence of contact. This, in turn, indicates a withdrawal from the challenge of facing one's inner problems. This withdrawal from the challenge of facing one's inner problems sacrifices personal fulfillment, pleasure, love, and joy. The longing must remain unfulfilled when sharing is wanted on the basis of receiving only according to one's own terms. In this case the self is really -- although secretly -- unwilling to do any sharing. People would be wise to consider their unfulfilled longings from this point of view, rather than indulging in the usual assumption that one is unlucky, and therefore unfairly put upon by life.

One's contentment and one's fulfillment -- specifically in regard to relationship -- is a much neglected yardstick of one's development. The relationship with others mirrors one's own inner state, and thus helps in one's self-purification. Conversely, it is equally true that only by thorough self-honesty and by self-facing can relationships be sustained, can feelings expand, and can contact between human beings blossom in long-term relationships. So you can see that human relationships and human contact represent a tremendously important aspect of human growth.

The power and the significance of relationship represent severe problems for those who are still in the throes of their inner dividedness. When isolation is chosen due to the difficulty of contact, then the unfulfilled longing becomes unbearably painful. This can be resolved only when one settles down seriously to seek the cause for this conflict in the self. However, you must do so but without guilt and without self-blame, for these self-annihilating defense measures eliminate any possibility of really getting at the core of your conflict. Looking within and the inner willingness to change must be cultivated in order to alleviate this painful trap in which both available alternatives -- isolation and contact -- are unbearable.

The fear of pleasure is largely connected with the problem of dealing with others and of facing one's rigid self-blindness. It is also important to remember that withdrawal can be very subtle. Therefore, it may exist only on a level of feelings. In other words, it is unnoticeable outwardly. Then it can manifest as concealed guardedness and as false self-protection. So, outer good fellowship does not necessarily imply a capacity and a willingness for inner closeness. Inner closeness is too taxing a problem for many. On the surface this seems to be due to a difficulty to cope with others. Yet the difficulty actually lies in the self, regardless of how disturbed the others may also be.

When people of unequal spiritual development are involved with one another, then the more highly developed person always has the responsibility for the relationship. I mean specifically that the more developed person is responsible for searching the depths of the inner level of interaction which may cause friction and disharmony between the parties. The less developed person is not capable of such a search and therefore is still involved with blaming the other. He depends on the other doing right in order to avoid unpleasantness and frustration. Also, the less developed person is always caught up in the fundamental error of duality. Therefore, he sees any friction in terms of either he or the other person being right. If he detects a problem in the other, then this seems to automatically whitewash him, although in reality his own negative involvement may be substantially more important than what he "sees" in the other person. Only the spiritually more developed person is capable of realistic, non-dualistic perception. He may see that either party may have a deeper problem, which does not eliminate the importance of the much lesser problem of the other person. When he is negatively affected by a specific relationship, no matter how blatantly at fault the other person may be, then he will always be willing and able to search for his own involvement. A person of spiritual and emotional immaturity and crudeness always puts the bulk of blame on the other, whether or not he pays theoretical lip service to the above-mentioned process. This process applies to any kind of relationship: between mates, between parents and children, friendship, business contact, or any other.

The tendency to make oneself emotionally dependent on others -- which is such an important aspect of the growth process -- comes either from wanting to absolve oneself from blame or from wanting to avoid the difficulty of establishing, of maintaining, and of sustaining a relationship. It seems much easier to shift the bulk of this burden to others. But what a heavy price one pays! For doing this renders one helpless. It brings about that state between the two undesirable alternatives of either isolation or unending friction with others, and therefore of unending pain. Only when one begins to assume self-responsibility by looking at one's own problem in the contact -- and by having the willingness to change -- can freedom be established and can the relationship become both fruitful and joyous.

If responsibility for the relationship and if looking within for the core of the dissension is refused, then the more highly developed person will never really understand the mutual interaction. In other words, how one problem affects the other. Then the relationship must deteriorate. It must leave both parties confused and less able to cope with the self and with others. However, if the more highly developed one accepts this inner spiritual responsibility, then the other person will also be helped in a subtle, possibly unarticulated way. If the developed party can desist from the temptation to constantly belabor the other person's obvious sour points -- in other words, to nag -- and look into himself instead, then not only will he further his development considerably, but he will spread peace and joy all around him. The poison of friction will soon be eliminated. He will also make it possible for himself to find others with whom a truly mutual growth process is possible.

When two equals relate, then both carry the full responsibility for the relationship. This is a beautiful venture, a deeply satisfying state of mutuality. The slightest flaw in a mood will be recognized for its inner meaning and thus the growth process will be maintained. Both will recognize their participation in this momentary flaw, whether it be an actual friction or a momentary deadness of feelings. The inner reality of the interaction will become increasingly the more real one. This will prevent injury to the relationship.

Let me emphasize that when I speak of being responsible for the less developed person I do not mean that another human being can ever carry the burden for the actual difficulties of others. This can never be so. I mean that usually the difficulties of interaction in a relationship are not explored in depth by the individual of more primitive spiritual development. He renders others responsible for his unhappiness and for his disharmony in a given interaction and is neither able nor willing to see the whole issue. Thus he cannot eliminate the disharmony. Only the person who assumes responsibility for finding the inner disturbance and its mutual effect can do so. Hence, the spiritually more primitive person always depends on the spiritually more evolved one.

Contact between individuals should be severed either when the destructiveness of the less developed one makes growth, harmony, and the thriving of good feelings impossible, or when the contact is overwhelmingly negative. As a rule, the more highly developed person takes the initiative for ending the contact. If he does not, then he needs to face his own unrecognized weakness and his own unrecognized fear. If a relationship is dissolved on the grounds that it is more destructive and pain-producing than constructive and harmonious, then it should be done when the inner problems and the mutual interactions are fully recognized by the person who takes the initiative to dissolve an old tie. This will prevent the initiator from forming a new relationship with similar underlying currents and negative interactions. Also, the step of severance will occur as a result of growth, rather than as a result of vindictive spite, of fear, or of escape.

The exploration of the underlying interaction and the effects of a relationship -- where both people's difficulties are first accepted and then explored -- is not an easy process. But nothing can be more beautiful and more rewarding. Anyone who reaches the state of enlightenment where this is possible will no longer fear any kind of interaction. Difficulties and fear arise to the exact degree that a person still renders others responsible for anything that goes against his liking. This can take many subtle forms. One person may constantly concentrate on the faults of others. This is an attitude which at first glance may even appear justified. Another person may over-emphasize one side to the exclusion of other aspects. These and other distortions indicate projection and a denial of self-responsibility for the difficulties in relating. The person who pursues such a course becomes dependent on the other being "perfect" and will therefore feel let down, fearful, and hostile.

My dear friends, no matter what wrong the other person does, if you are disturbed, then there must be something in you that you overlook. When I say disturbed, I mean it in a particular sense. I am not speaking of clear-cut anger that expresses itself guiltlessly, and which therefore does not leave a trace of inner confusion and pain. I mean the kind of disturbance that comes out of conflict and that breeds further conflict. Even though I have warned you repeatedly about overlooking your own part in the conflict, you still find it difficult to look within yourselves so as to find the source of your disturbance within your psyche. Even my friends who are sincerely searching within themselves for liberation and for unification are still involved in projection in this area. One of the roles or games that we have recently discussed, as one of mankind's most favorite tendencies, is to say, "you are doing it to me." In this way, you make the other person feel guilty. The game of making others feel guilty is so pervasive that it constantly passes by unnoticed because it is taken for granted. One human being blames the other, one country blames the other, one group blames the other. This is a constant process at this lower state of development. It is one of the most harmful and illusory processes imaginable.

Perhaps some of you can begin to see how you are doing this. When you see it, then you can stop it. Begin to question this habit and cease placing the guilt on others, which is always a hidden form of hostility and of whitewashing the self. Blaming gives one pleasure, although the pain and the insoluble conflicts that follow are disproportionate to the momentary puny pleasure.

Now I would like to discuss the attitude of the recipient of this game, rather than the enactor of it. He who executes this game harms both himself and others. I strongly recommend that you begin to be aware of your blind involvement in this guilt-shifting game. But how about the victim? How is he to cope with it? His first plight is that he is not even aware of what is happening. Most of the time it happens in a subtle, emotional, and unarticulated fashion. In other words, the silent, covert, indirect blame is being launched without a word being spoken. This blame is expressed in many indirect ways. The first necessity is a concise, articulate awareness. Otherwise the victim will unconsciously respond in equally destructive, falsely self-defensive ways. Neither party really knows of the intricate levels of action, of reaction, and of interaction, until the threads become so enmeshed that it seems impossible to disentangle the complicated aspects of the relationship. Many relationships have faltered due to the unawareness of this interaction, which contains many mutual reactions to something that one feels only vaguely.

The launching of blame and of guilt spreads poison, fear, and at least as much guilt as one tries to project. One who receives this blame and this guilt may react in many different ways, according to his problems and to his unresolved conflicts. As long as the reaction is blind -- and therefore the person is not conscious that guilt was actually projected on him -- then his counter-reaction must also be neurotic, and is therefore destructive. Only a conscious perception can prohibit this. In other words, only when you are able to see what is happening will you be able to refute the burden placed on you. For only then can you pinpoint it and then articulate it.

If a relationship is to blossom, then one must look for this pitfall of guilt-projection, which is much more difficult to detect because it is so widespread. In addition, the recipient should look for it in himself as well as in the other person. I do not mean a straightforward confrontation about something that the other person did wrong. I mean that the subtle blame for one's personal unhappiness must be challenged.

The only way to avoid becoming a victim of blame and of guilt-projection is to avoid doing it yourself. To the degree that you indulge in guilt-projection, to that degree you will be unaware of it being done to you. Therefore, you will become victimized by it. You may blame and project guilt in a different way from the one who does it to you. The mere awareness of this interaction will make all the difference in the world, regardless of whether you verbally express your perception -- and therefore confront the other person -- or not. You can only refute someone else's guilt-projection to the degree that you undefensively explore, face, and accept your own problematic reactions, your own distortions, your own negativities, and your own destructiveness. Only then will you avoid being drawn into a maze of falseness and confusion in which uncertainty, defensiveness, and weakness make you either retreat or attack. Only then will you stop confusing self-assertion with hostility, and confusing flexible compromise with unhealthy submission.

All these aspects determine the ability to cope with relationships. The more these dynamics are profoundly understood and lived, then the more intimate, the more fulfilling, and the more beautiful human interaction will become.

Unless you approach relating to others in the way described here, then how can you assert your rights, how can you seek fulfillment, how can you seek pleasure in the universe, how can you love without fear? Unless you learn to relate honestly -- thereby purifying yourself in the process -- then there must always be a whip lurking in the dark when it comes to intimate closeness: the whip of loading guilt onto each other. Loving, sharing, profound and satisfying closeness to others could be a purely positive power -- without any threat -- when these snares are first looked for, then are discovered, and finally are dissolved. It is of the utmost importance that you look for them in yourself.

The most challenging, the most beautiful, the most spiritually important, and the most growth-producing relationship is the one between a man and a woman. The power that brings two people together first in attraction and then in love, and the pleasure involved in it, is a small aspect of the state of being in cosmic reality. It is as though each created entity knew unconsciously about the bliss of this state and sought to realize it in the most potent way open for humanity. That way is in love and in sexuality between a man and a woman. The power that draws them together is the purest spiritual energy, which then leads to an intimation of the purest spiritual state.

When men and women stay together for a long period of time in a more enduring and committed relationship, then both the maintenance and the increase of bliss depend on whether the two people relate to one another in the way discussed in this lecture. Are they aware of the direct relationship between lasting pleasure and inner growth? Do they use the inevitable difficulties in the relationship as yardsticks for their own inner difficulties? Do they communicate in the deepest, the most truthful, the most self-revealing way? Do they share their inner problems? Do they help each other, rather than placing mutual guilt on each other and whitewashing themselves? The answers to these questions will determine whether the relationship falters, stagnates, and eventualy dissolves -- or whether it blossoms. When you look at the world around you, then you will undoubtedly see that very few human beings reveal themselves in such an open way, and therefore grow together. Equally few realize that growing together and through each other determines the solidity of feeling, as well as the degree of pleasure, the degree of enduring love, and the degree of respect. Therefore, it is not surprising that long-lasting relationships almost invariably are more or less dead in feelings.

The difficulties that arise in a relationship are always a yardstick for something that has remained unattended to. It is as though a loud message were being spoken. The sooner this message is being heeded, the sooner will more spiritual energy be released, so that the state of bliss can be expanded and can grow along with the inner being of both partners. In a relationship between a man and a woman there exists a mechanism -- one that can be likened to a very finely calibrated instrument -- that shows both the finest and the most subtle aspects of the relationship and the individual state of the two people involved. This is not sufficiently recognized by mankind, not even by the most aware and the most sophisticated human beings, who are otherwise familiar with spiritual and psychological truth. Every day and every hour one's inner state and one's feelings are a testimony to one's own state of growth. To the degree that this is heeded, to that degree the interaction, the feelings, the freedom of flow within and toward each other will blossom. The perfectly mature and spiritually valid relationship must always be deeply connected with personal growth.When a relationship is experienced as irrelevant to inner growth -- when it is left on its own, as it were -- then it must falter sooner or later. And that is the fate of the majority of human relationships -- especially the intimate one between two mates. When a relationship is not recognized as a mirror to inner growth, then it gradually wears out. When the first steam evaporates, then nothing remains. Either overt friction and dissension, or stagnation and boredom will wreck what was once promising. Only when each one grows to his ultimate -- to his inherent potentials -- can the relationship become more dynamic and more alive. This must be done both individually and mutually. A relationship that is approached in this way will be built on a rock, not on sand. Fear will never find room under such circumstances. Feelings will expand. Security about the self and about each other will grow. Each day and each hour will mirror the inner state of both partners, and therefore of the relationship. When either friction or deadness exists, then it means that something must be stuck and hidden. That is something that ought to be seen. Some interaction between the two people must still be unclarified. If this is understood and properly handled, then growth will proceed at maximum speed. Happiness, bliss, the feeling of meaningful living, deep and profound experience, and ecstasy will grow into forever deeper and more beautiful dimensions. Conversely, the fear of intimacy implies rigidity and the denial of seeing one's own share in the difficulty that one has in relating. Anyone who either ignores these principles or who only pays lip service to them is not emotionally ready to assume the responsibility for his inner suffering -- whether it be within a relationship or in a state where relationship is absent. Such ignorance also brings about the fear of one's feelings. The person is still at the primitive juncture where he shifts guilt onto others. Under such conditions fear and uncertainty make it impossible to find bliss and closeness -- fearless closeness.

It is of the greatest importance to recognize the fact that bliss and beauty -- which are eternal spiritual realities -- are available to all those who seek within their own heart for the key to all the problems of human interaction, as well as for the key to the problem of loneliness. True growth is just as much a spiritual reality as are profound fulfillment, vital aliveness, and blissful, joyous relating. When you are inwardly ready to relate to another human being in such a fashion, then you will find the appropriate partner with whom this manner of sharing is possible. Then a relationship will no longer frighten you. When you use this all-important key, then a relationship will no longer beset you with conscious or unconscious fears. You can never feel either helpless or victimized once this significant transition has taken place in your life. In other words, when you no longer render others responsible either for what you experience or for what you fail to experience. Thus, growth and fulfilled, beautiful living become one and the same.

May you all carry with you new material for your work and the inner energy force that is awakened by your good will. May these words be the beginning of a new inner modality with which to meet life, so as to finally make this vital decision: "I want to risk my good feelings. I want to seek the cause in me, rather than in the other person, so that I become free to love." This kind of meditation will bear fruit. If a germ, if a particle of this truth is being carried away by you, then it was truly a fruitful lecture. Be blessed, all of you, my dearest friends, so that you become the Gods that you potentially are.

March 13, 1970