Self-Love

By The Pathwork Guide

Greetings, my dear friends. God bless all of you, God bless this lecture. God bless our work. Now that I will part from you in physical manifestation for a short time, we in our world wish to express our thanks to each one of you who tries so hard, who battles, who overcomes, who is willing, and who constantly summons his strength to overcome his inner blocks and his resistances. All of you who have the noble courage for this Path of light should realize that the efforts of each of you help us in turn; and for this we are grateful. For without your good will, then we could not execute our task.

I also wish to make a suggestion to all of my friends belonging in the three groups. When you resume your activity in the fall, my suggestion is that the first time you all meet together, all three groups. And then go on as before, with perhaps a few changes that may develop out of this first three-group meeting. You might discuss how to best eliminate frictions. In other words, what could be done to do so, what could be done to use these frictions so as to learn from them both individually and collectively, and also what each individual participant may be contributing to the friction, no matter how much he may be convinced that it is positively another's fault. Try to build your concept of unity of purpose in this group work. Try to become aware of the responsibility and of the wonderful obligation that each one has by participating in this work. Try to become clear what the group work is supposed to be, what it should accomplish, and how you should go about it. Each one should have his say. In this common meeting every objection should be freely voiced and intelligently discussed, in friendliness and in open-mindedness for the other's point of view. This is my suggestion. Of course, you have your free will, and therefore you should only take this as a suggestion, and as no more than that. After the common discussion, you may perhaps see that one more meeting is not sufficient. So you may all meet together another time, until everything is cleared up, and then meet in three separate groups again. Work out some plan. If you reah out for it, then you will be inspired.

I want to further suggest that you try to become more aware of the Holy Spirit, of the inspiration of the Divine World. Reach out for it, especially when your disagreements and your frictions separate you from one another.

Now I should like to discuss the subject of self-love. You all know -- for I have said it again and again -- that each truth can be distorted into an untruth. This is perhaps the most powerful weapon of evil. Never complete untruth, for that is not dangerous. But the danger of evil is the distortion that may be right in some circumstances, but which is either misapplied or rigidly set up as an inflexible rule. No matter what valid subject, concept, or idea you can think of, its truth and its meaning can be distorted to the extreme point of nullification.

It is so with self-love. There is the healthy kind of self-love that exists in the mature soul. But where unconscious attitudes and currents are distorted, then healthy self-love will be distorted as well. The wrong kind of self-love exists in many forms. The crudest form is selfishness. This is the attitude of putting oneself into a better light or position than one's fellow, of wanting an advantage for oneself that is disadvantageous to the other. Then there is a certain type of self-admiration which is of a sickly nature that is obvious. This, too, can exist on various levels. The outermost level is easily noticed by others. It can also be easily detected by the self-searcher once self-examination has begun. Its existence is often hidden in the emotions and therefore may not be displayed in outer deed and manifestation. At times it may even be difficult to detect by others as well as by the self-searcher. This requires depth work, such as you are pursuing on the Path. Any right conduct that is not based entirely on honesty and on inner conviction and that is not sustained by similar emotions is not only ineffective but even harmful for the personality, at least so long as the person believes his conduct to be an expression of his innermost self. For self-delusion is more harmful than the best outer conduct or deed.

Therefore, begin to search for your inner -- and hence possibly hidden -- current of distorted self-love. Become clear about the proper concept of it and how it works when it is twisted. But do not allow this right concept to hide your deviation from it because of guilt. Rather, you should look for what in you causes this wrong kind of self-love. For there must always be a reason. As long as you have not found the reason, then no matter how much you know it is wrong, it actually does not even pay, for you will not be able to overcome it. The procedure must always be the following: First, find out in where and in what way you have the wrong kind of self-love. Until you discover all these subtle emotions which are hidden, you cannot go further. But after you become aware of them, then you can explore the deeper regions and dig out the cause. You will usually find that a lack of the proper self-love is the cause of your distorted self-love. That is, of loving yourself in the wrong way. If you do not love yourself as you should, then your subconscious seeks the wrong remedy. For the lack of self-respect -- which is the proper kind of self-love -- you try the substitute of a disproportionate self-love in other areas of your being. Do not forget the connection between these two factors. If you would love yourself properly -- that is, by self-respect -- then you would no need to love yourself too much.

In the lecture on the vicious circle, I told you about your guilts, about your revolt against authority, about your fear of not being accepted, and about your fear of not being loved. All these factors cause the feeling of self-contempt and the feeling of inferiority. You despise yourself because you wish to shortchange life. In other words, you want to get something the easy way, just as a child does. That must ultimately be at the root of your feeling of self-contempt and of your feeling of inferiority. Nothing else really is. All these outer things you may find to explain your inferiority feelings are but symptoms and rationalizations. In the measure you feel insecure and inferior, in that measure there must be a side in you, maybe deeply hidden, in which you wish to escape living, in which you hope to get a return out of life without investment or risk, and without exposure. In other words, a desire or a belief in you that you can cheat life in some way. When you find this side, then you come to the root of your inferiority feeling and your lack of self-respect -- not before. Until then, you will only run around in circles. That is, you cannot break the vicious circle. At the breaking point -- once you decide, by inner growth and by understanding, that you no longer wish, and therefore expect, to shortchange life (for by wishing for, and therefore expecting, an unreality you are in for trouble) -- you will gain a well-founded self-respect. From then on you will love yourself in the right and healthy way. You no longer will need to love yourself in the wrong kind of self-love that, in the last analysis, only contributes to your self-contempt.

This will purify your inner vision and your understanding, so that you will fully realize the truth -- but not because it is taught and said by others -- that an advantage to you that is either a disadvantage or a hurt to another person at the same time can never be really fruitful for you. It may appear so for a time, but it actually never is. That is the human blindness on this earth sphere, due to restricted sight, and due to the fact that you only see a particle of the whole picture. But such inner self-recognition will reveal more of the picture to you, so that you will convince yourself of the falsity of such an assumption. You are all filled with the falsity -- with the image -- that the other's disadvantage may be to your advantage. Everyday there are moments when you react that way, at least emotionally. By this road you will come to understand fully that any possible advantage gained over a brother or a sister, who thereby suffers a disadvantage, ultimately demands a much higher price from you than you lose by giving up such bargains.

There is also another kind of self-love. Its existence is much more widespread than is usually realized by mankind. It is that sickly kind of self-admiration, being in love with oneself. This may manifest in various ways. The most obvious way I shall not even discuss. I mean, when a person just loves his personality, or where he is just in love with his outer self. This is a very crass form of sickness, and it is comparatively rare. But I want to go into the more subtle region of the same current, which is much more prevalent than is the crass form. A person may be in love with certain faults, as I have stated. He is pleased about them and he feels them to be something admirable, although intellectually he knows that this is not so. Yet, whenever brought out, if he were to analyze his reactions, it is love with his own way of life -- with his manner of living -- or whatever it may be. This is subtle, and therefore is easily confused with the feeling of gratefulness and with the joy of living, which is purely positive. The borderline between these two emotions is very thin. The slightest deviation from this feeling of gratitude and rejoicing of the life force may bring the reaction of a sickly "being in love with your life." There is no rule where you may deviate and where you may not. Only your complete sincerity and your self-honesty, listening into yourself, checking your reactions, analyzing them, and trying to feel out your emotions will furnish you with the answer as to where you deviate from the healthy and the positive. But beware of the opposite extreme: of feeling guilty when you enjoy life and are grateful for the good things, because you also detect a slight streak of self-love in this particular fashion. Separate the two without stifling the right emotion in the fear and guilt of the possible wrong one that you may find with it. You can never forcefully tear out the wrong reaction once you have detected it. This could not succeed and would only stifle the rightful joy in living. Rather, find where you lack self-love in the proper way. This will automatically reduce your self-love where it is distorted.

I realize that this is slippery ground, my friends. Those of you who are not experienced and trained to some degree in the work that we are doing can easily misunderstand. Your intellect will never suffice to understand what I mean. Only your emotions will. You should never feel guilty because of such discoveries. Rather, take them and go on from there to find out what lies underneath: why you do react or feel that way. Find out what rejection must have caused this self-love, this being in love either with yourself or with your life in one form or another. For when there is such a wrong form of self-love, then rejection must come in, either imagined or real. Usually rejection is at the other pole of the current of wrong self-love. Find out this feeling of being rejected. Then you will not be so severe with yourself. Also, find out how you unconsciously tried to counteract this rejection by withdrawing from life, by shortchanging it, by cheating it in a subtle way in your inner attitude. This is the remedy. This will not cause you to cut off the good and healthy feeling that lies right next to the distorted reaction. Thus you will be able to retain your gladness, your gratefulness, your joy, and whatever good you have, but without the element of being in love with it, so to speak.

The proper kind of self-love is the natural result of the healthy soul. In the measure you heal your inner sicknesses, in that measure you will love yourself properly. For a long time humanity has lived under the delusion that to love oneself at all is sinful. This is just as wrong as the sick kind of self-love. In none of the Holy Scriptures or in any spiritual teachings of truth and value will you ever find the belief -- or the command -- that you should not love yourself. Not loving yourself would mean that you do not honor the divine manifestation that you represent. Not loving yourself means self-punishment, masochism, and the denial of your personality. It prohibits your capacity to love and to help others. So beware of the misconception that to love yourself is wrong. Therefore, distinguish between the sick kind and the healthy kind. That is, between self-respect and distorted self-love.

Man times man is tortured about the question of making the proper decision when he has to consider himself, too. Without being aware of this thought, he is filled with the mass image -- with the commonly accepted misconception -- that any consideration of the self is selfish, and therefore sinful. This hinders his ability to make a decision at all. Making decisions is a prerequisite to healthy living. This distortion -- which exists both in the mind and in the soul -- contributes to the inability to make decisions. His lack of the proper self-love on the one hand and his overgrown, sick self-love on the other causes him to fluctuate between the two wrong extremes. And he cannot find a way out as long as he does not realize the breaking point mentioned before. He is taught that self-consideration is selfishness. Thus, he is completely confused. He assumes that anything advantageous for him is automatically wrong. It may and it may not be. No rules can be set up. Realize that you are often called upon to make decisions when you cannot choose between obvious right and obvious wrong, between obvious good and obvious evil, between obvious white and obvious black. Decisions are hurt. Realize that this someone does not always have to be you, although at times it may be; at other times the wise thing is that it not be you. This may seem to contradict what I said before, namely that no disadvantage of another can possibly be wise and really advantageous for you. But it is no contradiction. Both are true on this earth sphere. If you stand before a decision where anyone has to be hurt, either you or another, then it is the final outcome of a conglomeration of deviated reactions and chain-reactions happening in the past. The past you cannot change. Therefore, you cannot avoid facing the issue in the present. You are the one who benefits least of all. If you refrain from making any decision for fear of being selfish, then you are being masochistic by not considering yourself with healthy self-respect, by denying yourself as much right as the next fellow has -- just as the next fellow has just as much right as you have yourself. If you weigh all this with honesty and with integrity, then you will find the right answer, which will differ in each case.

If you pay yourself the proper respect, then you will cease to demand an extra position, as emotionally you do at present. You are off on a tangent, so to speak, by the famous "I do not deserve" that evolves so often in the image work. As a compensation, you do not seek the breaking point mentioned before, but you go to the other extreme by unconsciously -- emotionally, psychologically -- putting yourself on another plane, one that is separated from others, demanding more than you give. You rebel against your lack of self-love -- your self-contempt -- and you choose the sick overcompensation, in the wrong extreme. Actually, your rebellion is never addressed towards others. It may seem so at first. But really, deep down, your rebellion is addressed against your low opinion of yourself.

Again, these words are addressed much less to your intellect, where much of what I say seems evident. But they should reach certain of your emotions as they come out in the work. In this way you will understand certain of your emotions coming to the surface, while otherwise you will not know what they really mean. When the subconscious allows them to come out, then they seem like a big bundle of confused feelings to you. With words like these, you will be able to make something out of these feelings. Without understanding them, then they would completely suffocate you, they would depress you more than necessary and, as a result, you would see no remedy, no breaking point. Therefore, read these words carefully again and try to feel an echo within yourself.

I would also like to discuss the element of punishment in the human personality. I discussed self-punishment at length previously. I discussed your need of it and its connections. In the child, as well as in the immature adult, there exists another form of punishment: it is the wish to punish another. If the other person does not do your wish, then you often have a desire to punish him. This can happen in very hidden and subtle ways. It need not happen in deeds: in what you do or another does, or in what he refrains from doing to you. It is more an inner attitude. It is a well-known fact that each human being as a child -- and also later -- wishes to die when he experiences a hurt, a disappointment, a frustration, or a rejection. When analyzing this thoroughly, then it is seldom that the hurt is so deep that the wish to die is genuine. Most often the child feels and thinks somewhat like this: "Now they will be sorry, now they will see what they have lost. They will cry at my funeral, at my deathbed." You all know that these are childish reactions, often occurring even in quite adult people. But even if you do not indulge in such fantasies any more, when you are slighted, don't you still carry the same germ with you, manifesting in other ways? Don't you live it just the same in other subtle little reactions? There are many other ways the same trend can manifest. It does not always have to be the death fantasy. You can punish your fellow creatures in many other subtle ways. Whenever you feel rejected or slighted, check your innermost reactions, where the element of punishment may come in. When you have found it, then it is a victory. View these reactions without guilt, with the wise distance you should have for the childishness still living in your soul. There is no human being who does not carry the child he once was through his life, in one respect or another. Gain this distance from yourself, smile at it, do not get involved with this part of your being. But see it and judge this part of your being objectively. There are many ways of punishing those you love; for instance, sickness. How many people develop illness in order to punish their loved ones; in order to force them to be tender, sympathetic, and considerate? And many other forms exist as well. Find them. If you can recognize yourself from this viewpoint, too, then this will bring light and fresh air into your soul. Nothing but this realization -- the ability to recognize such hidden reactions with the proper spirit -- will contribute to your mental health, to your emotional health, and to your spiritual health.

Are there any questions in connection with what I just said?

QUESTION: In connection with self-love, the right kind, would you care to elaborate on self-pity and egocentricity?

ANSWER: It goes without saying that both are the result of the wrong form of self-love. As far as egocentricity is concerned, I believe this has been answered, although I did not use this particular word. As far as self-pity is concerned, let us examine what such pity of the self expresses. What does the soul say through such an emotion? It says: "I recognize that I cannot change anything. Therefore, I want the world, my surroundings, my loved ones, God to see how much I suffer and how little it is my fault, how much I became the victim of circumstances over which I have no control. I want others to change. If I make my suffering clear enough, then they might." No one who truly realizes that nothing happens that is not caused by himself, no matter how obviously outer circumstances may point to the opposite -- and, therefore, that can only be changed by changing oneself -- will ever indulge in self-pity. If you are sorry for yourself, then it means that you have not accepted the truth that you, and you alone, are the master of your life. This truth is an uncomfortable one, and that is why it is often averted. But it is the only one that will make you truly free and independent. Self-pity is a complete rejection of self-responsibility. It expresses further the hidden desire to force others -- be it other people, be it God, be it life -- to do the necessary changing, instead of the self.

QUESTION: Where can one draw the line between healthy and unhealthy self-love? What would you call "unhealthy?"

ANSWER: I think that this was discussed in this lecture. Does anyone else feel that it was not sufficiently explained? If others feel that my words were not clear, then I will be glad to repeat and elaborate further, perhaps in a clearer way. But if it is just you who did not understand, then perhaps you have missed some of my words, perhaps your mind was wandering at times, and when you re-read it, then it will become clearer. Do you understand? (Yes) Then I am sure that by reading it you will see that the entire lecture dealt with just that. If then you still have difficulty, then I shall be glad to help you personally. As I said, you cannot establish a rule as to where the line can be drawn. You can find the line only by asking yourself, in checking your emotions, in analyzing them for their meaning, for what they express. The borderline lies within the individual: it is the inner truth of each person. It differs with each human being.

QUESTION: Perhaps it might be clarified in what way self-hate keeps one from accepting and loving?

ANSWER: I did not use the word self-hate, I used self-contempt. I explicitly said that in the measure that you despise yourself, in that measure you feel inferior because, in some way, you are dishonest with yourself and with life. In the measure that you do not love yourself properly, in that measure you then over-compensate by misdirected self-love.

QUESTION: What about narcississm?

ANSWER: That is a form of self-love. It can manifest in various ways. It need not always manifest in the obvious physical sense of being in love with one's outer person. Here, too, I spoke without using this particular expression. Self-love is distorted when the life force is directed towards the self, instead of being outgoing and finding the bridge to the next person.

QUESTION: Is there any possible connection between excessive self-love and homosexuality?

ANSWER: There may be. It cannot be generalized. Homosexuality has many different origins. To say that homosexuality comes from this or from that is very shortsighted. Spiritually speaking -- as far as the law of karma is concerned -- the possibilities are as varied and as manifold as the psychological factors. The spiritual factors never contradict the psychological ones. They are only an extension. The difference lies only in the fact that you cannot find the origin in the karmic law (as a rule), while you can always find the psychological roots and origins in this life. Incidentally, this applies to everything, not merely to homosexuality. Cause and effect of this life regarding homosexuality present possibilities that are manifold. One of the possibilities is an excessive form of self-love. But even this does not suffice to explain it, other factors also enter.

Another reason for homosexuality may be an excessive fear of woman in a man, or of men in a woman. Still another reason or possibility may be exactly the opposite. In other words, if a boy loves his mother very much and despises and fears his father, then this, too, may cause homosexuality, because he wants to emulate and imitate his mother. He wants to identify with her. While in another personality, one with different characteristics, the exact opposite may lead to homosexuality. In other words, a fear and a hatred of the mother, or female mother-substitute, rather than love for her and identification with her. So no generalization can be made here either. To generalize is always dangerous. One should also keep in mind that no single factor can account for it. Various reasons may prevail. The most seemingly contradictory factors may all play a role simultaneously.

Excessive self-love, leading to homosexuality, or a least being partly responsible for it, would work this way: identification with the beloved self, which is substituted by another human being, because the unquenchable desire of the soul to find the bridge to the other self cannot be entirely eradicated, no matter how sick the psyche may be in other ways. Thus, these two currents work together, expressing themselves in choosing a partner of the same sex.

QUESTION: The higher self has a desire for femininity, the state of being. Couldn't that also be the reason? I mean the misunderstood current of this longing?

ANSWER: You mean in male homosexuality? (Yes) Yes, it could enter into it. But then how would you interpret female homosexuality? (May it be just the opposite?) Yes, because, you see, the higher self is both male and female, or contains both masculine and feminine currents and traits. This enters into it, but it is not an additional factor, but rather an explanation of the deviations. The misinterpretation of these soul forces causes emotions to deviate. We know that this is so in every other respect as well. Such a misinterpretation is caused by the psychological twists. In other words, if a man rejects decision, activity, everything that is part of the active life, then the feminine side of his nature grows disproportionately. On the other hand, if a woman fears the passive and submissive state, that in a healthy way is part of her nature, then she becomes overactive. Such over-activity, above a certain degree, may result in homosexuality. As I have said, usually many factors play a role, not just one, so that all must be taken into consideration.

In the question of homosexuality, you also have to distinguish one other factor, and that is the degree of homosexual leaning, which is also determined by many factors. If the degree is comparatively small, then it may be heightened by guilt and suppression. But by facing it, it will lose much of its proportion. In that way one is opened up for further search in order to understand the various factors. If the degree is stronger -- that is, karmically stronger -- then the inner desire to change may be lacking. Every individual case is different. I can show you only the broad outlines, the many possibilities. How dangerous it is to say that homosexuality comes from this or from that, making one statement to cover all cases. That does not exist.

QUESTION: What about people who are bisexual?

ANSWER: Again, the reasons are manifold. The same origins may prevail as for straight homosexuality, weakened only by the healthy opposite force, which may be stronger. Another reason (without excluding any of the stated ones) may be that the personality is so cramped, so unfree that he cannot let go in order to give himself completely. Therefore, a flatness of feeling will set in after the first period of newness and excitement has passed. If this happens continuously, even when new partners of the opposite sex do not bring the same desired release and fulfillment, for the sake of something entirely different, then a partner of the same sex is sought, just as other forms of perversity are sought for the same reason. Here again we have a case of seeking the wrong remedy. For such artificial means, sought in ignorance, will eventually cause a complete stalemate in experiencing fulfillment. No matter how different, it will cease to be a stimulation. The remedy is to be sought in the inner fear of letting go, of giving oneself, of revealing the self and then seeking the other self. This always seems to entail a risk: the risk of living and the risk of loving. In the measure this risk is avoided, in that measure sexual flatness may set in. Then this may be lived out by so-called perversions of all sorts. Or, in a different type of character, it may be turned into a virtue, under various religious or spiritual masks and in the denial of all sexual experience.

QUESTION: Homosexuality seems to be gaining wider exposure, understanding, and acceptance. Would you consider it good to be so brought into the open? Would not this make it easier for some to fall into the practice?

ANSWER: Yes, that is very true. Of course, suppression, on the other hand, is bad, and moral, self-righteous judgment of another person's sickness is wrong. Yet, the other extreme is always close at hand, and it is difficult to find the correct balance. Today's trend does have its drawbacks. It causes many young people to make a virtue out of something that should be looked into and considered a sickness. If a young person looks up to and is influenced by someone who happens to be homosexual, due to various psychological actors in his inner and outer life, and he is then drawn through such a person into an environment where the mass image exists that it is better and even quite smart to be a homosexual, then he will find it much more difficult to desire a change and a cure of his sick psyche. By the way, homosexuality is also one of the many forms of rebellion against authority. One might also say that if there is no leaning at all, then a person will not be influenced by it. That is quite true. But the point is that under existing conditions a comparatively small inclination will not be considered a sickness. It will be strengthened and justified only by the gradually growing mass images (in certain groups) regarding this particular subject.

There are comparatively few human beings in whom at least a small degree of homosexual leanings did not exist during the process of maturing. Such growing outer influences may encourage this inclination and tendency unnecessarily, where the personality may otherwise grow out of it. This is the negative side of the issue. It always calls for many extremes before the healthy middle road is found. This applies to any issue. We have the same problem in the concept of educating the young.

QUESTION: I read recently that the spirit or the soul must be both male and female to be complete. Consequently, for four or five incarnations one might be male and then one might be female for four or five incarnations. As a result, one might be a homosexual in the first changeover. Is that possible?

ANSWER: It can be, but it does not have to be that way. Besides, we cannot say four or five. This may apply in some cases. In other cases, it is not so. Again, generalizations may lead to error. You see, the original spiritual entity is one being, consisting of both male and female qualities. Only after the Fall did the split occur. This split does not always happen evenly so that one part of the entity has all the male qualities and the other part all the female ones. Since the Fall was the product of chaos, then the split in the individual entities was also a chaotic one: that is, it occurred at random, according to the attitude and the emotions governing the entity when he fell. Thus, in some beings the split is much more uneven, combining male and female qualities in both halves in some instances. In other instances, the split happened more closely to a male-female division, although never exact. According to the evenness or the unevenness of the split, the incarnations change from one sex to another. If one part of the split entity is more predominantly male or female, then the other part will correspond, and changes of sex occur less often in the cycle of incarnations. In cases where the change has to occur more often due to a greater unevenness in the split, then homosexuality can result the first time that one is born into the sex opposite that of the previous incarnation. But this does not alter the psychological factors in the least. In fact, all incarnations exist in order for the individual to become more healthy and more whole. If an entity does not eliminate the wrong psychological factors, then he may again go through a life finding it even more difficult to overcome homosexuality. So the roots always have to be found, no matter what the truth is about karmic laws.

I will leave you for a short while, but only in manifestation. But that does not mean that all your spirit friends are not with you and near you. Remember that. During this period of rest may all of you find new strength in your soul, a new willpower, a new understanding, and a new desire for your inner growth and for your inner change. Nothing can be more fruitful, more permanently satisfying, and more fulfilling than this. God's blessing goes with each one of you and waits for you if you open your soul for it and let it penetrate your being. Be in peace, my dearest friends, be in God.

June 19, 1959