QUESTION: It is so very difficult to find only one trend in the emotions. For instance, when you feel humiliated, then one set of emotions recognizes the other person and sees that what he did came perhaps out of his own insecurity. Then another set of feelings erupts that spell fury and anger. Between these two sets of feelings -- one forgiving and understanding, the other being angry -- there is always a conflict. How can one find out which one is the right feeling?
ANSWER: It is not too difficult to know which is the right feeling, provided both feelings are genuine. It may hapen that the first -- and obviously right -- reaction is superimposed. One tries to have it because one has recognized its theoretical value. But it is not yet felt. Therefore it is constantly being interfered with by the emotion that is still predominant. That is, the childish, proud one which is all the more persistent because one tries to superimpose it and does not allow it to fully reach surface awareness with its connecting links, with itsr cause, and with its origin. The negative feeling has to be felt in its full impact. That does not mean that one should act upon it. But you have to become aware of the intensity of your anger, of your childish demands, of your unreasonable claims, of the real reason for your anger -- since defeat is inadmissible. If these emotional reactions and impressions are allowed to come to the surface with all their childishness and their irrational claims -- without rationalizing them and explaining them away -- then then they will eventualy weaken, so that the other set of feelings will become genuine and more and more dominant. If good will is superimposed, then it becomes an obstruction in itself. So, if it is used in the wrong way, then it can be a hindrance and it may lead to a forceful, ungenuine reaction, and therefore to self-decepion. Allow yourself to have all your emotions come out without being a policeman. Only then will it become clear how outrageous and how childish your demands are both of others and of yourself, how you reject -- at least emotionally -- the world you live in, including yourself. You demand of yourself a perfection that you cannot yet have. And what you think you demand of the other is an externalization of your own demands of yourself. You reason that if the other were as he should be, then you could be as you want to be, or as you think you ought to be: your idealized self. In reality the anger at others is nothing but blame that serves to prevent you from being as you think you should be. Of course, all this is no consciously thought. It is not understood in the subconscious that if the idealized self were a reality and not a fake, then you could never be prevented by others from being what you are. But the idealized self image pretends. Often, the good will to superimpose ideal standards is a mixture of the good intentions and of the demands of the idealized self. Therefore, it is prohibitive and does not allow the truth to come to the surface.
QUESTION: Here is a question from an absentee which I think was already covered in part. I shall read it: "We present our idealized self image to ourselves, as well as to the world. This must put an intolerable strain on human relationships, as well as bring out lots of negative reactions. Could you talk to us about this and could you tell us how to recognize and accept the real self in the other person?
ANSWER: Yes, it is, to a large extent, answered. Let me just add one more thing. It would be a grave mistake to set out thinking: "How can I recognize the real self in the other person?" You have a difficult enough job doing this with yourself. To do so with the other is impossible. But as you proceed and you make progress in the work of becoming aware of your own real self -- which comes only after sustained effort in trying to discover and to understand your idealized self -- to the degree of your progress you automatically sense, experience, and reach the real self of the other person. Conversely, in the same way your distortions reach and affect the corresponding distortions in the other person.
QUESTION: Doesn't this correspondence between two real selves often happen in silence?
ANSWER: It can happen in any way in any form of communication. If you re-read the lecture I gave on communication, then you will find that it applies here. As your real self manifests, then a relaxed receptivity is a result of it. Therefore, it will reach the inner self, the real self of the other person. Contrarily, the grabbing, craving motion I described in this -- the distortion of the instinct of procreation -- causes the other person to withdraw because the movement is too grabbing. On the other hand, the distortion of the instinct of self-preservation -- which create the restrictive, holding back, inverted motion -- will prevent communication. So what has been said in all these recent lectures must tie in with communication. That is, one lecture must tie in and be intimately connected with any other.
QUESTION: Many times a person is reluctant to change something about himself. It might be something either physical or psychological. He gives himself the excuse, "If I do change in such and such a way, then I will no longer be myself." Is that a perversion of the first instinct?
ANSWER: You are right. The perversion of the first instinct is resistant to any changes and resistant to growth. That is its nature. It is static and therefore tends towards stagnation. All of you who do this work have experienced it, and traditional psychoanalysis knows it too. The resistance to change is one of the greatest hurdles to be overcome. It can be rationalized in many ways, but whatever the conscious reason for such resistance is, deep down you all battle against giving up the glory of your idealized self. That you fear above anything else. You think or feel that you have to hold on to it for dear life because it was chosen as a solution. And since this process of choice was unconscious, the same unconscious reasons still make you hold on to the belief that perhaps after all it still turns out to be a solution and bring you safety and security --the distortion of the instinct of self-preservation; as well as happiness and pleasure -- the distortion of the instinct of procreation. This is always the underlying force of your resistance, no matter what the outer rationalizations are. In the first place, to find that this resistance exists is important enough. But then this underlying reason has to come to awareness, for only then will it prove to be an unworkable solution that you have chosen. Then you will give it up little by little. As long as the real reason for the resistance to change is unconscious, then it is not amenable to change, to correction, or to reconsideration, since everything activated out of the unconscious is resistive to reality. While consciously you may have some new ideas, changed certain aspects, attitudes, and approaches to life, this part that is hidden within yourself has remained static and has battled with the other part of you. Unconsciously you hold on to that which was chosen as salvation and safety, namely the pseudo solution. That makes change, growth, and liberation extremely difficult.
QUESTION: In this process of self-improvement, the more we understand others and forgive, the more will our emotional reactions become rather toned down. Don't we thus tend to level off all our emotions in some way, as to anger or other strong emotions that we may have? Our emotions will not be as strong anymore.
ANSWER: It is difficult to generalize. A certain stage of development does bring it about, of course; your violent emotions do tone down. Then you feel genuinely more serene. But it should always be kept in mind that such serenity may be artificial, while unconsciously you are actually seething with strong repressed emotions. They have to reach the surface of the consciousness before they can be properly assimilated and then dispensed with.
QUESTION: My question was really that this would ultimately develop to the extent where we have less strong reactions.
ANSWER: No, that is not so. Only as fas as negative emotions are concerned. To make the goal that of levelling off negative emotions, I would say yes. Eventually true serenity will bring this about. It is always dangerous to take on a distant goal when you first have to attain nearer goals. The dangers are manifold. For instance, you may be tempted to skip a very necessary phase that is unpleasant at the moment but without which you cannot reach the ultimate goal. It may lead to increased self-deception, the same self-deception that you want to uncover. This should be one of the near goals. Only gradually can further goals be envisaged, until true serenity will come by itself. The view of the far goal may enlarge the idealized self image. So the near goal should be the next step, not the end result.
May 12, 1962
Copyright 1961 by Center for the Livjng Force, Inc.