LIES

It requires four cross-looms, eight English grandmothers, and a cubic mile of seawater to weave a square mile of Triscuits... if you want it done in less than a day, that is.

The phone company employs over three thousand people to randomly dial phone numbers and talk to people in foreign languages. All of the employees are highly trained linguists trained in dialectic and slang. No matter what language greets them, they can speak in another language spoken in a style hard to understand -- even by someone whose native tongue it is. It doesn't matter where you live. They're there. Three thousand of them.

(For employees) You're doing great. You'll be running this place soon, but not until we give you lots and lots of raises and a whole bushel of bonuses!

(For employers) You're doing great! You're on schedule, your employees love you... nothing could possibly go wrong!

Artists are respected and admired. They live lives of glamourous prosperity.

It was really hard on Courtney Cox when I broke up with her. I tried to explain to her that it was wrong, what with me being a married man and all, but she was so heartbroken I had to do something. I told her, "Everything's going to be better. Just you wait and see." Hey, I made a few calls, talked to a few people... I hear she's doing pretty well these days. She's a trooper. I knew she'd pull through.

This won't hurt a bit...

The pay is low at first, but after a while you'll be making bundles of money!

It's a million-to-one chance, but it just might work.

(From Bruno Dale) When I asked Tim "How do I do this?" he responded, "Well, you have to dress like a woman and walk the boulevards at night." I was a little startled at first, but Tim assured me that it was for the best. So I did as he'd advised. After several days and much saddle-soreness, I realized that Tim had never answered my question. I got angry and confronted Tim and he said, "Relax. All you need to do is bet $50.00 on every 50 to 1 long shot in every dog race down at the local track." This sounded resonable, so I proceeded to empty my bank account in anticipation of a strong payback. Good ol' Tim. When I next saw Tim and informed him that I was now pennyless AND saddlesore (due to the fact that I could not stop doing the only thing making me money), he said, "Dude, all you really need to feel better is to put on these bells, and dance with this stick and bucket..."

Good ol' Tim.

Spontaneous human combustion happens to those who dwell on spontaneous human compbustion. Think about it.

If you kiss your elbow, your gender will reverse!

Got a lie to tell? No? Then mail it to me!

Yes! I'm a liar!

No! I never lie!

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