As part of FE99’s unflagging commitment to serving YOU, the great unwashed proletarian salt-o-the-earth reader with information THAT MATTERS, the editorial wincing fatcats are pleased to present this convenient pocket-sized guide as the latest addition to the FE99 stable of cutting edge takes on revolutionary thought in the southeast London and Essex region. Inside you, being the humble footsoldier of left-wing ACTION, will find NOTHING - but FACTS. This guide might make an ideal gift for loved-ones, or perhaps may serve as a stocking-filler to stir your little rascals in the Trotskii youth. Let’s face it coms, we all want to suceed as best we can in the high octane arena of ruthless dictating, but few make the big time. FACT - those revoltuionary luminaries who have succeeded would probably have read this guide AND subscribed to FE99 had either been available to them. Not many other family magazines or series of incisively penned ACTION guides can make the same claim, eh? Well eh? Coms, below you will find some of the following items and tips on dressing for success on the barricades; Marxism - what’s that then, and will it get the birds?; Facial hair as social barometer; Bloody revolution in five easy steps.

1. Strong... but Hair...

Mincing fat-cat editor & capitalist pigdog, Col. Brandy Horses, consults self-proclaimed hairdresser to some of europes most ruthless & successful dictators, Phil Oakey, about the importance of a strong barnet for strong policy. Phil suggests low-lights & an ‘unkempt’ swept forward look, akin to rock free-spirit Rod Stewart, to pull the dizzy bird vote (& to inspire confidence in the workforce that you are no threat to the poaching of their womenfolk - looking, as you do, like a complete CHIEF).

2. Dirty 'Tasche... I Need You

Let’s face it, tasches=hard-line political thought. Without this facial fashion foppery revolution is UNTHINKABLE, as Engels realised only as the presses had started rolling on the MANIFESTO - just too late to include. Coms, don’t be like brother Frederich, catch the tasche boat. Your local worker’s reading room will be able to equip you with reference material as to the styles available. Com Col. B Horses decided to visit his local Turkish Baths armed with a small scented sketch pad to garner more ideas & enjoy the spirit-raising company of fellow workers amidst the steam.

3. Suits U(kraine)...

Any dictator worth his salt has a wardrobe that can adapt to any occasion & inspire those around with merely a glimpse of well-tailored gold-braid, or the suggestion of a personalised cuff-link. Surely the inevitable revolution will not cometh without a leader in snappy expensive threads to motivate the masses into getting their hands soiled. Nothing warms the empty stomached honest foundry worker more than a lovingly mass-produced portrait of a moustachioed great leader in a natty whistle and assorted sundries.

4. Working (the) Masses...

You look & feel every inch the scourge of the known slavic world, but something is missing. Com, like a capitalist in disguise you have forgotten THE MASSES. As would-be devoted leader of thousands you will need to find a gathering of working men to address. Our hero, Col. B Horses chose to address a likely bunch in the fair city of Petrograd, but unfortunately discovered at the last minute that he had been double-booked with the revolution & had to suffice with a lowly warm-up slot some hours before the silvery-tongued big guns arrived.

5. The WORD... is Manifest(o)

The manifesto is always worth taking a bit of time over. It must appeal to the WORKING MAN so lots of tasty pics of racy birds & some funnies are firm favourites here at FE99 HQ. Often included is some political thought (optional) and incisive rabble-rousing battle crys, along with lots of pics of racy birds tastefully shot in bikinis at a factory location. The manifesto will be knocked out on makeshift backroom presses (like your beloved FE99) & disseminated in kinos, burger bars & neus bauen. Did we mention including pics of birds?

6. Cause... for Thought

The word is out now out there, the WORKERS have listened, but now they need coaxing in a REVOLUTIONARY stylee. Coms, be ambitious in your DEMANDS. However, start with something that can be easily achieved, like, say, the total electrification of the entire country. As this is was most probably achieved some years earlier, you will be applauded for turning your WORD into ACTION immediately. NEXT, unveil plans to produce 5 kopek art & a 5 year plan to collectivise the farms in the southeast London area.

7. The Exile Years

Our greatest left-wing stars have all paid their respects at the altars of political exile following a stretch of bird back home. Com, you too must strive for a past like the stars of dictatorial rule. Put aside 2 weeks each summer to exile yourself to a sunny country, or a coastal resort teeming with like-minded misunderstood political visionaries. If the faceless money-grabbing imperialists at your factory, won’t let you have this time off, a day in a park contemplating the implications of full blown class struggle will do. The scene is now set for your triumphal return home, cradling your vital & dangerous TRUTHS.

8. Inspect Your Troops

Without enormous PARTY funds this may seem a little difficult, but Coms take heart & remember that Novosibirsk wasn’t built in a day. Col. B Horses shows how to brush up on your rusty troop inspection technique at a local busy intersection. Your stern salute may even inspire the passing drivers to abandon their steel imperialist wagons & join YOUR cause inspired by the values that you stand for. In fact, several motorists decided to enthusiastically join our hero during his road-side stint & briskly help him to the ground. Care Comrades, the swine will be blind to the TRUTH for they have been NUMBED.

9. Create Your Republic

To rule you must have a republic to govern over. This is easily achievable by changing your address to one that promotes true REVOLUTIONARY ZEAL. Col. B Horses each day marches to the sounds of record breaking factory production in the People’s Republic of 145, in the autonomous region of Deptford Avenue. Coms, their laws cannot hold YOU!