DINING OUT
When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine

If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist

Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are

PERSONAL HYGIENE
While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's own truck keys

Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money

Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a womans jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods

DATING (OUTSIDE THE FAMILY)
Always offer to bait your dates hook, especially on the first date

Be aggressive. Let her know your interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago"

Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 pm; others might say "Monday". If the latter is the answer, it is the mans responsibility to get her to school on time

THEATER ETIQUETTE
Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.

Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. tests have proven they cant hear you

WEDDINGS
Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift

Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot

For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance

Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion

DRIVING ETIQUETTE
Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight

When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way

Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape

When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too

Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession