The "Spike" Stories

Stupid, stupid, stupid! I hate that "S" word. It seems to come at me from everywhere! When Lady Lunatic says, "Hey, Stupid", and she's looking at me. When Frank at school says, "Hey you, Stupid", and he's looking at me. When Mrs. Brown, my teacher, looks at me, I just KNOW she's got "Hey, Stupid" on the tip of her tongue but she's a teacher so she just can't say it out loud. Sometimes they say Stupid Idiot, sometimes just plain Stupid. The only "S" word I really like is Spike, but they don't say that one, at least not by itself.

I think Stupid was the first word I knew. "Spike, you Stupid Idiot, did you mess in your diaper AGAIN?"� Do I really remember that or have I just heard the story so much that it feels like I remember?

It was there, that Stupid word, when I was older, THAT I do know. "Spike!� Go clean up your bedroom, you Stupid Idiot!" or "You Stupid Little Kid, you do everything WRONG!" and "Stupid Spike got his math problems wrong again!" and "Spike, you're so Stupid you can't even kick the football right. Ha! Ha! Ha!" I can't know why they do that.� It makes me feel awful.

Maybe Lady Lunatic told them. She does it, the calling me "Stupid" thing. She hates me so she tells others to call me that, too, right?

Most kids have a regular mom, but not me. Oh no, I have a crazy mom. One who can't even get my name right. I wish I could say: "Hey, Mom! My name is not Stupid! My name is Spike!" I think maybe I said that, once or twice, but she didn't even hear me, so I stopped trying. So I call her lady Lunatic, just not out loud.

School stinks now, just like home does. I used to like school when I was little. Now it's hard to concentrate. I feel so awful and I'm so tired all the time.

Dad yelled at Lady Lunatic again last night. Was it MY fault? What did I do this time? What was I supposed to know that no one told me about so I guessed wrong this time, too? Their yelling woke me up. Even after they quit, I could still hear them in my head. So I couldn't go back to sleep. I can hear them in my head right now, here at school. I squinched my eyes shut. If I can't see it, it doesn't exist, right? It used to work but it doesn't anymore.

Oops, here comes that teacher. NOW what does she want? Maybe if I look busy she'll leave me alone. She asks me too many questions and they all sound like "how are you, really?" Guess she doesn't believe me when I say I feel awful. What was I supposed to be doing now anyway

"What do you mean, do I need help? Get out of my face, you Stupid Idiot Lunatic!"

I think I forgot to tell her what I was mad about. "They" said I had to go to the Principal's office, that I got sent there. As if I had something to do with that. But I know "they" sent me there. "They" don't even want to hear about the name-calling she did to me.� She did call me Stupid, didn't she? Can't anyone hear me right

It's hard to know what "they" want. They never come right out and say what they want out loud. It's like I'm supposed to guess or something. And the rules change all the time and nobody tells me til after I've already got it wrong, til after they call me Stupid. Did Mom say I could go to Kenny's house tomorrow, or not? Is Dad going to help me with my homework tonight, like he said? Or is he too busy again? Or did I have to clean my room first, or take care of the garbage? Is this the time when I have to make dinner, or will Lady Lunatic do it ok? Am I supposed to be quiet right now, or can I play loud in the house? I guess right some of the time but mostly I guess wrong. Then they call me Stupid again. Doesn't my teacher sound just like my mom? What did I do to make them all hate me?

I know Mom slurs her words. And screams stuff at me, even when she later says: no, she didn't do that, why do I make up stuff about her like that? And she forgets to make dinner. And I know why, even though I'm not supposed to say so. I tried saying the "why". Once. I had to spend a whole month in my room by myself, so I haven't done it again.

It's because of the stuff she pours in her glass or in her coffee cup. She thinks that nobody knows that she's got whiskey in her coffee cup and wine in her juice glass. Guess she thinks we're blind, or dumb, or something. No, silly me, she thinks we're Stupid! She thinks I don't know that she smells like lighter fluid. wobbles when she walks, slurs when she talks, yells a lot, and forgets a lot. You know, that she does the "D" word....., you know, "drinks too much". I had to whisper those words because nobody in my family says the "D" word out loud. It's just not done. Maybe the "S" word makes up for not being able to say the "D" word, 'cause Stupid sure gets said a lot. It usually jumps out of Mom's glass: "Stupid Spike, can't you see I have a headache and just shut up?"

It's not like that at my friend Kenny's house. Why MINE? I don't get it. I wish I could just make it go away so that everything & everybody could be ok. I keep my bedroom mostly clean & do my homework mostly on time. I don't turn the TV sound too loud. I get my dirty jeans and socks in the clothes hamper most of the time. I don't leave my math & science books, or my science fiction magazines, all over the living room floor anymore. No matter what I do, it still seems like nothing I do is good enough. I feel like I try hard enough but nothing ever changes. Lady Lunatic still does the "D" word, and she and Dad still fight, and I'm still tired all the time. Maybe I really am Stupid after all. I even stopped inviting Kenny over to my house. So that I don't have to explain what's goin on.

There's this group that I just started going to, at school. Two weeks ago the school nurse said that maybe I would like to go. I said, "Why?" She said that I would find out that I wasn't stupid. (Really?) So I went. The principal now says that maybe I would like to keep going. I've only been two times. I think I like it. I'm not real sure.

It's got some kind of long word in it's name: "a-non-y-mous". We don't tell who goes. It's for kids who have someone in their life who does that "D" word. Those kids don't call me Stupid. Wow. Neither did Mr. Ross, the man who runs the group. They said, "Welcome, Spike! Keep coming back!" It was weird but I liked it. I think.

They talk about al-co-hol-ism. And that my mom has it. And that it's a disease, sort of like cancer or diabetes, that people just get sometimes. And that it makes people sick. And that Mom's not bad or crazy, just sick. And that I get sick because she's sick, kind of like catching her cold. And that I may not understand thing but I'm not stupid.

They use even more strange new words in this group: Trust, Denial, Hope, Higher Power, Letting Go. They have a lot of weird ideas, too. You know, about how I'm smart, not stupid. (Smart?) And that it's safe to talk about the whiskey that Mom puts in her coffee cup, and that she slurs her words and yells and calls me Stupid. (Safe?) And about how I feel. (Feel?) That it's ok when I get mad, or scared, or hurt. Or feel shame. About how there's lots of stuff that goes on around me that I'm not going to be able to make ok, that I'm not going to be able to change. About this thing called "ac-cept-tance". (Letting stuff just be what it is?) And something about finding out what "normal" is. (Normal?) That it's even safe to say the "D" word. I can't say it out loud. "Yet", they add. And even weirder is the fact that I can rmember all these strange new words, and I remember the leader, Mr. Ross, but I don't remember any of the other kids' names. Yet, I hear in my brain. I think I liked them and that they liked me. They didn't call me Stupid.

It's a lot to take in, a lot to understand. I get overwhelmed, confused, and then I don't remember anything again. And hear "Stupid Spike" in my head even though nobody else said it at all. Keep coming back, they said. It will get better. (Better?) I belong here, they tell me. (Belong here?) I can learn lots of good things for me. I cannot make Mom stop doing the "D" word, but I can learn how to take care of me when she does it. (Take care of me? I'm worth that?)

I guess it can't hurt to go one more time. It's some place to go and something to do besides be at home or at school, and I'm not the only one like me. I liked being not stupid. I wonder what Kenny would think of all this stuff? Would he go with me? Will I ask him? I don't know. Yes. No. Maybe. Ok. I'll see when next Tuesday gets here.