Picking up the Pieces

Soon after the loss of my baby, the Chaplain came and visited me in the delivery room. He came to give me comfort and to warn me about the things others would say that might hurt me. He wanted to ensure me that these people did not understand the loss but had good intentions. I listened and thought to myself, “what could someone say that would hurt me?” Unfortunately the Chaplain was right and people did say things that hurt my feelings or made me realize that they had no idea how I felt.

Many parents want to keep their baby’s memory alive and this is very normal. Some parents make Web Pages in the memory of their son or daughter. Others make mementos such as poems, baby items, or journals of their pregnancy. Some parents have a tree planted in their child’s memory. All these things help the parent share their memory of their precious child.

Society expects mourners to heal quickly after a loss and others tend to avoid talking about the baby that has died. Some bereaved parents may not want to talk about their loss yet other parents need to talk about their loss. Friends and family may even isolate themselves from the bereaved parents because they find it too hard to confront the parents. Please understand that these people have not experienced a loss and cannot understand your pain. Try to remember that their heart is in the right place.

National Support Groups such as SHARE and Bereaved Parents of the USA offer support to bereaved parents and their families. Support Groups usually have monthly meetings in which bereaved parents have the opportunity to be with other families who have also experienced the death of a child. Sharing can be very beneficial to each family; it can help them realize that they are not alone. If you are interested in getting support, you can call your Hospital or a National Support Group to find more information on where these meetings are held.

Remember that there is no set time to mourn your child’s death. Each bereaved parent has his or her good and bad days. Some days it will hit you so hard and you won’t be able to talk about it. Especially if a stranger asked you if you have any children or someone asks you about your baby, not knowing you just lost your baby. It’s okay to have a bad day and to cry about your loss, you’re not super human. Finding support may help you heal and find understanding through others that have been there. Picking up the pieces takes time.