My Story

Christian and Kari’s Story

My husband and I met in High School. After he graduated, he joined the Army and was stationed in Schweinfurt, Germany. We had a long distant relationship for about 4 years until he proposed to me at a New Years Eve Dance. I paused for a second or two to make him sweat then I said, "yes"! We were married on June 5th, 1995.

Our new home was in Ft. Hood, Texas. Almost 2 years later we conceived our first child. I was excited and eager to get past 3 months so I could be confident about my pregnancy.

I was 18 weeks when I felt my first kick and at that point I finally felt confident about my pregnancy. A week before my next appointment I noticed an unusual discharge. I had no idea what it was but I knew something was wrong. I thought I had felt my baby drop but I dismissed the thought immediately. After an hour or so, I noticed a small amount of blood and immediately decided to have my husband take me to the Hospital.

No one could have prepared me for what I was going to hear. The doctor told me that my baby had dropped, I was 3 cm dilated, and the unusual discharge was my mucus plug. My doctor told me that I would deliver and my baby was too immature to survive, then I was moved to a delivery room. I did not give birth that night as suspected. I had a severe low backache that we suspected was my contractions. The magnesium sulfate stopped my contractions and also made me vomit uncontrollably. The next day, my doctor moved me into another room. I was in the Trendelenburg position for 3 full days. During this time, the doctors decided an incompetent cervix was the cause the bulging membranes. On the 3rd day, we were told about an operation called a " rescue cerclage". One doctor was willing to perform this operation. The idea was to push the baby back up into the uterus by filling my bladder with water. If that succeeded, the doctor would stitch my cervix closed.

Since the sac had dropped, bacteria was making the membranes of the sac deteriorate. I knew that eventually the membranes would thin out and my water would break. We felt that our only hope was the rescue cerclage. The surgery was scheduled for the next morning.

My husband and my mom sat in the waiting room while I was wheeled off to the operation room. I was terrified of the surgery and of the outcome. Once the spinal was performed, I began shaking and I felt very cold. I remember starting a conversation with the Neurologist. I desperately wanted to get my mind off the surgery. I remember him telling me that it was his 40th anniversary. I told him how wonderful that was and that he should be proud. Even though I had his company, I could not bear the long duration of the surgery. I was updated as the doctor progressed and as she was on the last stitch my water broke. At that point we all knew that I had lost my baby. Tears filled my eyes and sorrow hit my heart. Then I knew I had to confront my loved ones that were nervously waiting in the waiting room. The hardest part was when our eyes met. My emotions didn't hit me as hard as I expected them to. The events after the surgery kept my mind off the fact that I would lose my baby. My husband and my mother were very supportive. My husband never left my side. I know I couldn't have made it through what was to come without them.

I was wheeled to the labor and delivery room. My husband and I talked about what we were going to name our baby. Both of us had already thought of Christian. We had a feeling that our baby was a boy. I remember saying "just incase it is a girl, what will we name her?" Then the nurse came in and asked us if we wanted to keep our baby with us after delivery or take our baby to ICN (Intensive Care Nursery). We both agreed that our baby should be taken to ICN incase there was a chance of survival. Then we were asked if we wanted to see our baby and we both said, "yes".

Even though we wanted the doctor to take our baby to ICN, we didn't want our baby's only time on earth to be with strangers. As I said this, my mom volunteered to stay with him in ICN. I asked her if she was sure and she said as long as I want her to that she would. My husband and I wanted our baby to be with family so we accepted her offer.

The next morning, the umbilical cord started to protrude. We were told this would cause the oxygen supply to be cut off from our baby. I asked if we could induce labor but the doctor told us that under these circumstances she could not induce unless our baby was no longer alive. My thoughts were "we have to wait for our baby to die"? A few hours later, the doctor checked the umbilical cord for a pulse. She could not find a pulse. Soon after I was induced, our baby was born. We had a baby boy. The next moments went by quickly. My mom followed the nurse to ICN. I began to vomit for a long period after I gave birth to my son. The doctor and nurse had left right after I gave birth. A half-hour or so later, we got another doctor to give me medication to stop my nausea. I fell asleep soon after. Another 3 hours went by before I was well enough to see my son. I was told that he had a heartbeat of 40 when he was born and he passed away about an hour and a half later. He was 1 pound 2 ounces and 11 3/4 inches long. The nurse brought him in a beautifully decorated wicker bassinet. She had dressed him in an outfit with footprints. He looked very peaceful and precious. My husband and I both noticed his nose and his long fingers, which were just like his "daddy's". We did not hold him because we were afraid that we would not be able to let him go. I think we studied every little part of him. After the nurse took our son away, she came in and gave us a Memento box. Inside were his little footprints, 3 pictures, his outfit, his measurements, an infant size gold ring to remember him by, and a very sweet card. The hospital staff was very caring and sympathetic.

Later that day the Chaplain came to see me. He wanted to prepare me for the things people might say that would affect me negatively. At that time, I couldn't think of anything that someone could say that would hurt me. However, there were a few times that people did say things that hurt me even though they had no idea.

I was moved into my own room that night. Once visiting hours were over and I was alone I cried like I've never cried in my whole life. Everything hit me so hard. I think I held it together for my family so it wouldn't be harder on them. I was angry with my body and I didn't understand why this had happened to me. I couldn't understand, "why me... why my baby". I was a good Christian women. How could this be happening? I eventually cried myself to sleep.

The next morning I was released. I was relieved to be off of bedrest. I remember how bright and alive the scenery seemed to be as we walked out of the hospital. I looked at the patients as they entered the hospital and I thought, "I bet they would never guess what just happened to me".

When we got home my cat wouldn't come to me. He had been my baby for about 2 years. He was mad at me for leaving him for nearly 6 days. As I settled in I was eager to attend things as if nothing had happened. My mom had to remind me that I should take it easy since I just went through delivery. I wanted to keep busy because I was afraid of everything catching up with me. Thankfully, two friends brought over food for our family. Ron's mother came to be with us and attend the service we had for our baby. Normally we would have had a funeral but since my husband was in the military and could easily be relocated, we decided to have our baby cremated. We both went to make the arrangements and this was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do in my life. With tears in my eyes I made sure things were taken care of. We arranged for the service and invited close friends and family. The service wasn't as emotional as I thought it would be. I think my mom and my mother-in-law cried more than I did. During the service the Chaplain kept calling me Kristin instead of Kristi and then calling my son Christian. He seemed to get tongue tied at times and this relieved the emotional feeling that had started early that morning. I was actually glad that he got my name wrong because I didn't want to break down in front of my friends and family. Everyone had kind words for us and a close friend and his family donated a beautiful flower decoration to have next to his pictures and memento's.

After Christian's cremation I began to go on with my life. I started working again. I had my good and my bad days. I started teaching as a substitute teacher as soon as my body healed. Since I was constantly meeting new people I was asked if I had any children. I wanted to say "yes" but I usually quickly said "no" so I wouldn't break down and cry in front of them. I remember being on lunch break sitting next to a group of teachers. They were talking about a co-worker that had just had her baby. They started to continue in details about this woman and her baby. All of a sudden my emotions hit me so hard that I quickly got up and went to the lady's room and started crying. The lady's in the lunchroom had no idea that I had just lost my son. I shared that moment with my husband and he got angry with me and told me that they didn't do it on purpose. Of course that upset me, too. I needed someone to talk to. I was offered information on Support Groups after I lost my son but I didn't think I needed it. A lot of things bothered me as my life continued. I couldn't bear to go near the baby aisles or talk about babies. I had a friend that was 2 months behind me in her pregnancy. She asked me to go shopping with her to Wal-Mart. We ended up in the baby area while she shopped for her unborn baby. I had a very hard time keeping tears back. To this day she had no idea how hard it was for me to be around her. When she was 31 weeks her water broke, she was sent to another hospital about 8 hours away. She had a boy and he stayed in the ICN for about 6 weeks or so. I wanted to be happy and supportive for her yet I was still grieving for my son. The timing couldn't have been worse because she had her son right before my son's due date.

Then about 2 weeks after she had her baby boy, I found out that I was pregnant. I was shocked and terrified. Especially since a month earlier I had a test called a HSG, which is like an x-ray of my uterus. My test results revealed a plum size fibroid in my uterus. I was planning to see a specialist to make sure that it was not the cause of my cervix opening. I feared that I could lose my baby all over again. During the first few appointments the doctor did several ultrasounds to see if the fibroid was near the baby. We were worried that the fetus could be attached to the fibroid but everything with the fibroid seemed to be fine.

Later we found out that my husbands company had orders to go to Bosnia for 6 months. His company was scheduled to leave after my surgery and that meant my husband would be gone during the rest of my pregnancy and the birth of our baby. I was very scared and I couldn't bear to go through it by myself. I requested a statement from my doctor stating I was scheduled for surgery and that my pregnancy was considered a high-risk pregnancy. We were able to get approval for him to stay behind. I think a few strings were pulled for us. Then the doctor that I had been seeing was transferring to another hospital so she recommended me to another doctor. He was the Chief of Staff in the OB/GYN clinic. Once I spoke with him, he agreed to perform the cerclage. I had the cerclage done at 13 weeks. I didn't have any problems right after the surgery.

I still worked part-time as a Substitute Teacher and after school I would baby-sit two children. I also played clarinet in a community band once a week. I started having cramping during a band rehearsal. I cried all the way home and worried all night since the pain did not ease up. By the next morning, I was still having pain so I called the OB/GYN clinic and told the receptionist my symptoms. My doctor was not there so she spoke with another doctor on shift about my symptoms. I was advised to go on bedrest until I could come in for an exam. So I stayed off my feet as much as possible until my appointment, which the lady I babysat for didn't understand even though she knew about my loss. Once I went to my appointment, I told my doctor my symptoms. I could see the worry in his eyes. Luckily there was no cervical change and my baby was fine. I was recommended to take it easy. So I cut down my teaching, stopped babysitting, and stopped playing my clarinet. A few days later the cramping stopped. Occasionally I would get cramps when I stayed on my feet for long periods at a time. Grocery shopping was the worst and by the time I got to the check out stand the pressure and cramping was real bad. My husband went with me and helped me a lot. He was very supportive.

Once I passed 30 weeks, I began to feel confident about my pregnancy. I began decorating the baby's room and we started buying equipment and clothes. I even had the hospital bag packed and ready to go. Good thing I did because we had two trips to the hospital. The first trip, I was 35 weeks along. We loaded up the car and went to the hospital. The contractions weren't showing up on the monitor and since I still had the stitch in my cervix, I was given a shot and sent home. The second trip was a week later and this time my doctor was there and he decided to take out the stitch since my labor had started up again. Later that day I delivered my healthy baby girl. We were shocked to hear the doctor say, "It's a Girl". She was an active baby like Christian so we had it in our minds that we were having a boy but we were excited just the same to have a girl. We named her Kari Michele La Flamme.

Holding her in my arms was so wonderful. I thought to myself "this is what it was suppose to feel like". She has helped my heart heal and has helped fill the emptiness.