If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependant, ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5 & 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want.
Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7, and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no-one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 96969696969696969696.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state you name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's and grandmother's maiden names.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.
If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep - or before the beep - or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, please try your call again later.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All of our operators are far too busy to talk to you.