Earth Minus One
a one-act play
by Matt Russell
by Matt Russell
CHARACTERS
The Duncan Family:
Jonathan, 15 years old
Linda, his mother, late 30's
Robert, the father, early 40's
Bertha, sister, 14 years old
Gerda, sister, 7 years old
The Enz Family:
Kendra, Jonathan's girlfriend
Hilde, her mother
Clint, her father
THE TIME
Summer of the near future.
THE PLACE
The kitchen of a middle class, cookie-cutter American suburban home.
EARTH MINUS ONE
SETTING: The Duncan family kitchen is the essence of typical. There is absolutely nothing special about it. It has the modern conveniences that most members of the play's audience take for granted. It is clean and well lit, not too cluttered. It is bright and cheery.
AT RISE: The Duncans (except for Jonathan) are gathered in the kitchen. Linda is cutting some vegetable on the counter. Robert is sitting at the table with his shirt off, reading a magazine. Gerda sits across from him, playing with silverware. Bertha paces nervously.
GERDA: Mom! When is he going to get here? I'm starving!
BERTHA: His game is long over by now.
ROBERT: He's probably out for ice cream with his friends. Especially if the team won.
LINDA: I told him not to do that. I told him to come straight home. (Pause.) Well...It
doesn't matter anyway. Clint doesn't get home from work until seven.
BERTHA: Oh God...
GERDA: I can't wait that long!
LINDA: Yes you can. Have a carrot.
GERDA: I don't want a carrot!
(JONATHAN enters, wearing his baseball uniform.)
JONATHAN: Hey everybody.
BERTHA: Thank God!
GERDA: Finally!
JONATHAN: What? You’re happy to see me? What’s wrong?
LINDA: Absolutely nothing, son.
ROBERT: Your family has been anxious to eat.
JONATHAN: You guys waited for me?
LINDA: And now we're waiting for Clint and Hilde.
JONATHAN: We're eating with Kendra's folks? What's the occasion?
GERDA: Kendra's coming!
JONATHAN: She is? I was just with her, she didn't say anything...Isn't anybody going to ask
how the game went?
BERTHA: You think anyone cares?
LINDA: Now, Bertha...
JONATHAN: We won!
BERTHA: Not like it should matter.
LINDA: Robert, maybe you should restrain him now. (Looks at Bertha) Before too much slips out.
ROBERT: Whatever you say, dear.
JONATHAN: Restrain?...
(ROBERT pulls out a pair of handcuffs from his coat pocket, hanging on his chair. He grabs one of Jonathan's arms and cuffs it.)
JONATHAN: What?...
(ROBERT pulls Jonathan by the handcuffs to a narrow division between cupboards, around which he fastens the other cuff. GERDA and BERTHA are laughing.)
JONATHAN: What the hell are you doing? What's going on?
(The ENZ family shows up outside the screen door.CLINT bangs on the door.)
ROBERT (rushing to answer): Hey neighbors!
HILDE (entering kitchen with family): Hope we're not late.
LINDA: No, you're just in time.
JONATHAN: Late for what? Just in time for what?
ROBERT: The kids were going bonkers, thought we were gonna let them starve to death.
JONATHAN: To hell with food, what am I doing handcuffed to the wall?
LINDA (to Jonathan): Honey...
BERTHA: You idiot. Haven’t you figured it out yet? You are the food, you dumb fuck.
JONATHAN: Excuse me? What was that?
LINDA (to Bertha): Watch your language! And why did you tell him that?! He's going to start
screaming now.
BERTHA: So gag him.
JONATHAN: No...Come on, what the fuck are you talking about?
GERDA: What's the best part? Do legs taste better than arms? (Laughs) I know I don't want near
his butt.
KENDRA: His ass is all mine, girl.
GERDA: You can have it. And his feet. All sweaty and disgusting.
ROBERT: Too many bones in the foot anyway. I was going to tell you to avoid the feet and the
hands.
BERTHA: Give them to that grungey dog; let him choke on the bones.
JONATHAN (struggling to get loose): This is NOT funny.
CLINT: Nobody's laughing, buddy. (Pause, then laughing.) OK, I am. Sorry. It's just kind of
funny because I always thought you were wrong for my girl here, but there was nothing I
could do about it. When your folks told me they were doing this, I couldn't believe it.
God does answer prayers.
HILDE: Linda, I was wondering...
LINDA: Yes?
HILDE: My nephew is Jonathan's age, and...Well, he's growing so fast, and wearing out his
clothes, and I just bet some of Jon's clothes would fit him perfectly.
LINDA: Oh of course, you can have them all. We were going to give them to the thrift store.
HILDE: Bless your heart.
JONATHAN: You're not touching my goddamn clothes!
HILDE (shocked indignation): Oh! The language.
LINDA: Jonathan!
HILDE (Getting over it, having a seat): Thank you so much. Steve will really appreciate wearing
something in style! Those shoes he has, especially, those converse ones. He's been wanting a
pair forever. I bet even that uniform would--
JONATHAN (at the top of his lungs): HELP! SOMEBODY HELP ME!
ROBERT: Why are you shouting, son? It's not like people don't know. Your mother's been talking
about this for weeks.
LINDA (smiling at Hilde): It hasn't exactly been a secret now, has it?
HILDE: Nope, it's pretty much neighborhood news.
JONATHAN: What?
BERTHA: Why do you think everyone’s been so nice to you lately? Getting A’s on papers
you didn’t deserve, getting to be captain all the time in gym class...
JONATHAN: That’s cos I’m the best captain--
HILDE (to Linda): Well, anyway, you're certainly due for a tax break.
ROBERT: That's sure the truth. In fact, we were going to forfeit one of the girls too--
JONATHAN: Yeah! Do that. get rid of them both and let me go!
ROBERT (Ignoring Jon): But we looked at the finances, and decided one was enough.
HILDE: Boys are so much more trouble anyway.
LINDA: You know it, especially when they start dating.
HILDE: Yes, Clint pretty much decided right from the start that he didn't like Jonathan, so
this makes things easier in that regard.
ROBERT: Yeah, our families have gotten along so well, it would be a shame to have a new source
of conflict.
CLINT: Oh, I don't hold this dating against you. You know how kids are. All hormones and such.
You can't control how they act, who they wanna screw...
HILDE: Well, that's true, honey, but don't you think this will smooth the waters a little?
CLINT: Oh, I'm sure of it. I just didn't want these kind people to worry about our friendship
or anything.
JONATHAN: YOU STUPID MOTHERFUCKERS! THIS JOKE ENDS NOW! DO YOU UNDERSTAND?!
(JONATHAN punches his father with his free hand, and kicks his mother. They all back away from his reach.)
LINDA (to Jon): I know you're upset. Look, we all have to make sacrifices. Do you think I
enjoyed giving up my fourth child? I carried that baby eight months before they passed the
three child limit. And when they pulled that child out of me, I cried for days.
JONATHAN: Must have been a girl.
LINDA (slapping her son): Shut your mouth. I said, "I don't care about growing population
in Africa, or even in our big cities, that doesn't affect me." But someone in some high
place in Washington decided that it DID affect me. That it affects everyone. I don't like it.
I don't agree with it. But I don't have a choice.
ROBERT: Well, look, at least they did put some freedom of choice back in our hands.
CLINT: That's right. Uncle Sam takes a lot less from 2 child families than 3-child families.
JONATHAN: I can move out! I can live with someone else!
CLINT: That's a cop out, son.
JONATHAN: Don’t call me that, you son of a bitch.
(CLINT takes a step toward Jon to hit him, but ROBERT stops him.)
ROBERT: The point is, we're doing something for the environment. That's the thing they
reward us for. You know why that guy-- what's his name, Kevorkian the Third--won the Nobel
prize? He realized that the cow and deer and chicken population was declining because for
so many years we neglected our most prominent food resource--man. And that discovery...is
what's going to heal our world.
JONATHAN: I've heard this shit before, at school a thousand times. I've had friends who were
almost sacrifised...
LINDA: Son, there comes a time when someone must sacrifise.
ROBERT: I know it's kind of a shock to realize that you yourself might be the necessary
sacrifice, but that's the nature of life. Just accept it. Does the cow which turns into your
hamburger think, "Oh Gee, I wish it was some other cow"? No.
JONATHAN: I don't wish this on another person. I don't wish this on anyone. (A long pause)
What do you think, Kendra? Say something.
LINDA: Maybe we should leave them alone for a minute.
BERTHA: Can we get on with dinner already?
GERDA: Yeah, I thought we were gonna eat after they arrived.
CLINT: I really don't see a need to prolong this. My daughter will just start blubbering, to
go with his blubbering, and pretty soon she'll want to be in a set of handcuffs with him.
KENDRA: That's not true, Dad. You don't have to worry. Besides, Jonny wouldn't want me to
suffer with him.
JONATHAN: What makes you say that? You fuckin’ traitor, fuckin’ whore.
ROBERT: Let's just clear the room for a minute. Let these two say goodbye. Why not?
LINDA (to Hilde): Would you like to go to the corner market? We're short on pop.
HILDE: I suppose.
BERTHA (approaching Jonathan): I'm going to start eating.
ROBERT (firmly grabbing her arm, pulling her away): You will wait for everyone else.
LINDA: You two girls go to your rooms. (Pause.) NOW!
(BERTHA and GERDA begrudgingly exit, to their rooms.)
LINDA: We'll be back shortly.
ROBERT: Alright.
(LINDA and HILDE exit. ROBERT and CLINT go downstage to talk privately. KENDRA tries to get romantic and kiss JONATHAN, but he resists. She persists.)
ROBERT: You know, I was thinking it might be easier to cut off some portions and cook them.
Otherwise, we'll just have little sections chewed out all over, which would be hard to salvage.
CLINT: Well, if you cut him into six pieces--limbs, head, and midsection--you could do part in
the oven and barbecue the rest.
ROBERT: I know what Linda would say about that.
ROBERT and CLINT (together, mocking): "It's too hot to bake in the oven."
CLINT: Well...you wanna stick with BBQ?
ROBERT: I think so. I better go find the briquettes. You got the lighter fluid at your house?
CLINT: Yeah, I'll go fetch it.
(ROBERT and CLINT exit. KENDRA is still being frisky with an uncooperative JONATHAN.)
JONATHAN: Fuck off, bitch!
KENDRA: You know, we have time for one last quickie before they get back.
JONATHAN: Does this turn you on?
KENDRA (after a pause): Actually...It does.
JONATHAN: What?
KENDRA: You know, I always used to watch movies like Jaws, and you know when they show
some guy slowly getting eaten by a shark, I used to wonder what was going through that person's
mind every moment of it. What is he thinking when the shark grabs hold and is shredding his
feet? "I ran the bases with these feet." When it gets up to his knees. "No more
kneeling down to pray". Midsection. You know what that means. What is he thinking when the
teeth crack his ribs? When almost his whole body is enveloped in the giant fish, what is he
thinking? They say your whole life flashes before your eyes.
JONATHAN: You are fuckin' sick.
KENDRA: Am I? You don't know people think these things? You can call it one of my demons, if
you wish, but it's just me, like there are things inside of you that you wouldn't admit to
anyone who would live to tell about it. (Pause.) This guy, that's eaten by the shark,...His life
flashes before his eyes, but so does his death. He thinks "Oh my God, I am a human being
with a soul and a spirit, and it's getting snuffed out by this beast that doesn’t give a
shit." Imagine the intense humility it must arouse to realize that your body minerals
will provide some other creature's nutrition, that everything you are and everything you've
done and amounted to is reduced...to food. As the pieces of your body slowly crumble away, so
does your consciousness. Just imagine! (Suddenly bursts into laughter.) I guess you don't have
to imagine it, do you?
JONATHAN: You said you loved me.
KENDRA: So? what’s Your point? (Pause.) Love always, always, always...turns to memories.
Just a question of when. These memories can be bitter or they can be special. I would like my
memories of you to be special.
JONATHAN: In all the world, I managed to find the most hideously sick, demented, vile,
grotesque, evil cunt in the universe, and chose her for my girlfriend... I...I can't believe
it. They say life isn't fair, but my God...
KENDRA (genuinely hurt): That's fine. You can talk to me that way. I know this isn't your day.
I just want you to realize something. I'm here because of my feelings for you. I could have
stayed home. But I want to be a part of this. I want you to be inside me.
JONATHAN: I've been inside you.
KENDRA: Not like this. (Taking his hand) Your blood will mix with mine, your organs will mesh
with my own, and in a sense, you'll stay with me.
JONATHAN (taking his hand away): I don't want to stay with you! Don't you touch me! Get thee
behind me, Satan!
KENDRA: Fine! I’m going to see what’s taking our mothers so long.
(KENDRA exits, leaving JONATHAN alone. He tries to somehow break free of the handcuffs. He tries a few different approaches, but with no success. He looks up toward the ceiling.)
JONATHAN (worn out): Dear God...You remember me, don’t you? Five years ago, I prayed
that you would let me be in little league. You did it! You let me, and...Did I ever thank you
for that? Well, I thank you, but I guess...I guess maybe it’s a little too late.
I don’t know what to do, God. I mean I’m really pissed, but you probably don’t
listen to someone who’s pissed, right? You see in my heart, and you see how I hate you if
you let them do this to me. So how can you hear my prayers? (Starting to cry.) Oh dear God,
please let me live! Please! Please make this all a nightmare. Please make them change their
minds. Or give me a way to escape. Please, I’ll do anything! Oh, God, help me.
(JONATHAN cries for a few more moments, and then gets control.)
JONATHAN (still to God): I believe in you. Amen.
(LINDA and HILDE come in with a bag of groceries, followed by KENDRA, ROBERT and CLINT.)
LINDA: We're back.
ROBERT: That didn't take very long. We couldn’t find the stuff for the BBQ. I don’t
suppose you wanna go back.
LINDA: Not especially. The kids are so hungry, they probably just wanna have at it right here
and now, forget cooking it.
JONATHAN: It? I’m an it now?
LINDA (shouting): Bertha! Gerda! It's time for dinner.
JONATHAN: Oh God, no! Please! Please don’t do this! Please!
(BERTHA AND GERDA storm in.)
GERDA: Alright!
BERTHA: It's about fuckin' time.
LINDA: Now, just a minute, there’s one more thing to do here.
BERTHA: Come on, what now?
(LINDA holds both her hands out.)
LINDA: We have to say grace.
(BERTHA and GERDA moan, but join everyone in a circle. By now, Jon is just weeping.)
LINDA: Dear lord, thank you for this chance to be together with our friends this evening.
Thank you for providing for us. We ask that you bless this food to the use of our bodies and
souls in your service. In Jesus’ name. Amen.
ROBERT (to Clint): You better stand by the door, I'm gonna uncuff him.
(CLINT takes his position by the door.)
LINDA: Girls, stand back until the men have him pinned down.
(BERTHA and GERDA stand at a safe distance.)
JONATHAN (a final, desperate burst of energy, shrieking): HELP ME! SOMEBODY! HELP ME PLEASE!
OH GOD, HELP ME PLEASE!
(ROBERT unlocks the cuffs. He tries to hold onto Jonathan's arm, but he breaks free and runs towards GERDA, as if he is going to attack her. KENDRA trips him with her foot, and he falls face down on the floor. ROBERT and CLINT quickly run to him, and pounce on him, pinning him down. KENDRA begins to take off his clothes and throw them across the room. All the while, JONATHAN is screaming at the top of his lungs. Everyone kneels down, surrounding him, between him and the audience. They all pick a different part of Jonathan's body, and start to eat. In a few moments, a stream of blood seeps from the crowd, towards the audience. JONATHAN is still screaming as the lights slowly fade out.)
© 1998 Matt Russell.