Heartbreak Low : The HH b-sides
Memories
1. Memories
2. School Trap
3. So There
4. Mystery Man
5. PissedLast Impressions
1. Last Impressions
2. A Place To Go
3. Booby Trap
4. Moving Away
5. Real LifeFixation
1. Fixation
2. Airhead
3. Headache
4. JasonI Am Here
1. I Am Here
2. I'm Still Here
3. Out of Here
MEMORIES
SCHOOL TRAP
the alarm cues the dawn
I stumble through the darkness
turn the heater on
take a bath and get dressed
it's rainy to the stop
and dirt flies in my face
I once thought I would drop
but I had to fill a space
to me
the crowd was full of strangers
I'd see
chances full of danger
I slept or wished I could
and the work was meaningless
I hardly ever stood
for longings so restless
I dreamed of the ideal
a life I'd like to know
I wondered was it real
or just a TV show?
I'd hear
the things that people say
I'd fear
that I was in the way
football's played in the mist
my hand reaches out
still I must insist
it's not worth talking about
the child wants the action
the teen wants the date
with athletes attraction
and the nerds masturbate
I think
why am I so stressed?
a shrink
cannot even guess
roads lead them to home
when they don't stay at school
they drive or walk alone
or feel a fucking fool
they do the work or not
stay home or run around
let's drink and smoke some pot
my mind hears the sound
(crash...!)
I feel restless these hours
got no money for flowers
between measures of angles
and chemical equations
I get so tired
from different occasions
why do we have to yell our scores out in front of the class?
I think I'll pass
and all the pressure
and all the stress
and too much homework
oh what a mess
why do I feel like jerking off instead of studying?
is it a boredom thing?
oh, I considered
quitting school
I felt like a moron
I felt like a fool
why is there a TAG group, Honor Society?
to make an idiot out of me?
I used to do well
but now I do bad
and when I look back
on better times I've had
you know, I smile, wishing I could go back in time
is that a crime?
and nobody sits
next to me
oh, that is
voluntarily
why do I feel alone in the midst of a giant crowd?
I cry out loud
and too much fighting
and too much strife
and one guy's threatening
another guy's life
I'm not afraid to say I'm feeling a little bad
kind of sad
and people judge
and people laugh
at the way I look
and the way I act
then they wonder just what is wrong with me?
can't they see?
I saw them draw a circle on the page
you drew a square
I saw them lie in their beds
you slept on a chair
I saw them by themselves
you were with your mama...silly child
I saw them stocking shelves
you played your loud music, acting so wild
explain yourself
do you need some kinda help?
explain yourself...right now
so many wouldn't know your name
so many wouldn't know your face
(why would you choose to live like this?)
never seeking acclaim
finding a quiet place
(what, you don't like that? interesting...)
oh, your clothes are fine
oh, your grades are okay
oh, your face, it is red
oh, your voice quiet
oh, no smile today
oh, I heard you wet your bed
explain yourself
do you need some kinda help?
explain yourself right now
mystery
from a foreign land
oh, what chapter do I write
in the story...
of the Mystery Man?
walking around the playground like there's nothing to do
can't you see the thrill of 4-Square?
listen to foot-stomping sounds, as they follow you
and this pain is hard to bear
(I mean, I guess...)
can you see my face?
will you speak to me?
can I read your mind?
no, I won't even try
can't take advantage of me
who said I was kind?
can you be happy?
what do I care?
I've got my own life
would you call on me?
and would I be there?
or reject all the strife
about you that nobody likes
God helps those who help themselves
mystery
from a foreign land
oh, what chapter do I write
in the story...
of the Mystery Man?
you look at me, and I...I'm PISSED!
you laugh at me, and I...I'm PISSED!
you talk down to me, I...I'm PISSED!
you make a clown of me, I...I'm PISSED!
when will you see the reason
for the HIT LIST?
I'm PISSED!
you mock me, and I...I'm PISSED!
you scoff at me, and I...I'm PISSED!
you look at me and laugh
you know damn well I can't fight back
you've had your fun
in the battle that you won
the party's just begun
but there's just one thing you missed...
I'm PISSED!
LAST IMPRESSIONS
A PLACE TO GO
what can I do
what can I do
when I'm lonely
and I want you?
what can I say
what can I say
when things are not going
quite my way?
what price to pay
what price to pay
when I'm bored
and I want to play?
I'm telling you
I'm telling you
I need your love
and your comfort too
I've had a bad day
I've had a bad day
and I need your warmth
to make it all go away
I want you to see
I want you to see
I want you
to make love to me
I want you to know
I want you to know
oh how I need
a place to go
from self-hate to self-doubt
to self-esteem...inside and out
he had come to the place where he accepted himself
not a lonely face gathering dust on the shelf
so he cruised the gay bars, looking for lust
but he found a fag hag, whose feelings he did trust
"you don't look like a queer", she said with a smile
he took her hand, said "I'll be straight for a while"
and this guy, ever so passive
she got him to a hotel
and what he saw was ever so massive
it could be heaven or hell
she set a booby trap
that's the way it goes
got on his lap
took off the rest of her clothes
she set a booby trap
they got into bed
took a nap
and she gave him some head
from harder than diamonds to softer than clay
in between two mountains to the light of day
he was now at a place where he felt guilty of sin
with the shame on his face of defiling a woman
then this guy, ever so thoughtful
knew he was the same man as before
and what he saw was nothing more sinful
than one night walking through a different door
she set a booby trap
that's the way it goes
got on his lap
took off the rest of her clothes
she set a booby trap
got into bed
took a nap
and she gave him some head
the sands of the hourglass
were almost all the way down
when I started to love you
time passed and you left town
there was something that I had to say
I thought there was time left
then I heard it was your last day
no time to even catch my breath
people moving away
people moving away from me
seems they wanna hide
seems they wanna hide from me
living every day
loving, every day of the week
in God I confide
in God I confide and speak
they say love is a two-way street
does that mean my feelings don't count?
I wish that I could feel complete
pulling the money from my bank account
to buy me some expensive distraction
from the fact that you're not here
call me a fatal attraction
but I'd be harmless if you were near
people moving away
people moving away from me
seems they wanna hide
seems they wanna hide from me
living every day
loving, every day of the week
in God I confide
in God I confide and speak
and then you return
I thought you probably would
I could have a talk with you
if I thought that I really could
without having a hard time
what the hell could I say?
I could get my feelings hurt
it's too high a price to pay
do you hear the fire alarms
all through town these summer days
I want to hold you in my arms
always...
can I love you? is it allowed?
since you're above me in the crowd
could it be more than just a dream?
do you see just what I mean?
people say I'm a little strange
I've tried to cope, I've tried to change
but who I am is who God made me
so here I am with my great personality
but time gets later and I feel the heat
the music gets louder and I feel the beat
the sun gives me an accusing glare
people walk by and I just stare
time has been so mean
and I have never seen
somebody come be my friend
I planted the seed
want has turned to need
I need obsession to end
let real life begin
people say I'm just too quiet
I'm not the kinda guy that starts a riot
I don't put off life to put on a show
as for what I'm like, I still don't know
but time gets later and I feel a chill
the music gets louder and I can't keep still
the sun starts to set, leaving me twilight
one more minute, it'll be the night
time has been so mean
and I have never seen
somebody come be my friend
I planted the seed
want has turned to need
I need obsession to end
let real life begin
I need your body next to mine
I need your love all the time
I need your warmth all down the line
to need these things, is that a crime?
but time gets later and I'm feeling tired
the music stops and I feel inspired
the moon is up, staring down at me
saying "get it right, and we will see"
time has been so mean
and I have never seen
somebody come be my friend
I planted the seed
want has turned to need
I need obsession to end
let real life begin
do you hear the fire alarms?
tonight they're all through town
oh look out the window
there's a building burning down
FIXATION
AIRHEAD
I was on the outside
looking in
on the in-crowd
perhaps...not the only in-crowd
but the one I thought...would be...
a good in-crowd
and I thought
oh, what to do
I didn't know
what to do
they looked at me
and said "fuck you"
I couldn't see
what to do
well, my mind
came up with nothing
is anyone home?
knock knock
ring ring
baseball...I don't do baseball
still I must be good at this
rockfall...I'm under a rockfall
when I miss
a pounding headache
is what I feel
a pounding headache
when will it heal?
somebody yelled at me
an attempt for my heart to break
but lucky for me...
all I got was a headache
sports...I don't do sports
that is, unless I have to
last resorts...attack of sorts
bring out the tears...I had to
a pounding headache
is what I feel
a pounding headache
when will it heal?
somebody yelled at me
an attempt for my heart to break
but lucky for me...
all I got was a headache
this pain's so real
when will it heal?
there's a boy in the place
with a child's grown-up face
makes me quiver when I look
injun-giver behind the books
then comes these stories in my mind
all real people, same old grind
and I wonder why it's him
he laughs when I cry in gym
wrong time and place for such emotion
fill it up with loud commotion
and I'll cry if he gets near
but when he's far there's still a tear
I wish to God he was my friend
if ever to me God would send
but he's not nice I know too well
he could suffice and go to hell
he wants to race me in the test
I'm a geek, I do my best
the devilish grin that's on his face
makes me want to lose the race
and all the time when I'm in school
I look so bad, he looks so cool
and he hardly knows I'm there
if I died he would not care
I'm all alone with my sick mind
the only light that we can find
is someone who could care less
he would never, ever guess
oh God, why am I like this?
with this pain and a hit list?
oh Lord, tell me why I try?
just to get up, fall down, and die?
I AM HERE
I'M STILL HERE
I can still hear your voice
no, wait...I think I see you in the crowd
getting hard, but not by choice
see my face, don't read my thoughts
but no -- it's not you
I can tell if the vision's true
and no -- it's not me
it's not me that you want to see
I can jet fast down the street
they'd "Ah!" and say "join track and field"
but the workout couldn't be complete
without jumping hurdles, I still can't get to you!
but no -- I can't look
at least for now, it's a closed book
and no -- I can't think
about you unless I want a shrink
there's therapy in a song
of course -- why you think I'm doing it?
it lifts me up when I'm not strong
when I'm back down, I write another one just for you!
but no -- not just you
a couple more, do you think I'm blue?
and no -- it's not me
it's not me that they wanna see
and no -- it's not you
it's not you that I make love to
and no -- it's not me
it's not me that you want to see
it's not me that you want to see
it's not me that you want to see!
I need a breath of fresh air
see the pink mingle with the blue sky
and the tree shadows still a bit green
see the graceful birds flying on high
I hear your voice
talking to someone else
at the place where you work
I see your arms, reaching for a beer
in the refrigerator
I need a breath of fresh air
the moon looks fully dressed tonight
in the evening, the trees do strip her
but it's alright, it's not quite night
the moon will rise
and light this town
the runners go home
with those who just stroll
the skaters hang 'round
'till the police drive by
it's gettin' me down
I think I might cry
I need a breath of fresh air
remember, the sun's brightness pulled out a tear
it got so hot, and the wasps flew by
that's when you cried, "I've got to get out of here"
© 1998 Matt Russell.