1. your black aura
2. vintage christian, 1973
3. king of cups
4. gemini
5. the south american bullfrog*
6. father
7. in this slice of life
...
(the worms are on my side)
8. nail-scarred hands
9. I can’t believe
10. the last word
...
(for eric gravning)
11. honest to God
what’s in your heart?
(what’s in your, what’s in your, what’s in your, what’s in your)
what’s in your heart?
(what’s in your, what’s in your, what’s in your, what’s in your)
what’s in your heart?
(what’s in your, what’s in your, what’s in your, what’s in your)
what’s in your heart?
(what’s in your, what’s in your, what’s in your, what’s in your)
what’s in your heart?
(what’s in your, what’s in your, what’s in your, what’s in your)
what’s in your heart?
(what’s in your, what’s in your, what’s in your, what’s in your)
what’s in your heart?
(what’s in your, what’s in your, what’s in your, what’s in your)
what’s in your heart?
(what’s in your, what’s in your, what’s in your, what’s in your)
what’s in your heart?
someday this pain will make something great
the candles are lit
you’re knelt on the hard gravel
bowing before the shrine of sadness
singing praises to the god of grief
singing your sweet laments
shining beautiful black light
stinging salt tears from your eyes
drowning out the remnants of belief
my heart is breaking, my dear catharsis
i’m not forsaking you...i promise
I never believed i’d know another sacred one...an only son
a thousand lighthouses
can’t cut through this dense dark fog
all paths are overgrown
in the thick pine forest
my only guiding light
is a kindred spirit
my heavy heart surrounded
in your black black aura
the arctic air makes
your breath look like
the smoke from a chimney
and if you shed a tear
it’ll freeze before it hits the ground
the earth is cracking
beneath the weight of your troubled footsteps
but there’s none to see or hear
for miles around
the fool would ask you where you’re going
he’d never realize you’re already there
and your blank eyes staring to nowhere
are the windows to your secret universe
tuning into the sound of your tracks hitting the sidewalk
a soft brisk rhythm there
one step after another
a little something that I can hold onto
a piece of the puzzle, a piece of you
trying to outrun that black cloud that’s always following you
trying to find shelter before the lightning strikes
I wrap me in my own strong arms
day absorbed by night
your dark absorbs my light
i’m trying to feel my place
in this air of despair
trying to find my way
around your black black aura
trying not to die
on that cross next to you
trying to keep the light
and to save you too
beloved come away
you say that you will stay
then I’ll follow you
and you allow me to
tell me what to do
when the rescuer needs rescue
let me in
on the ways of sin
I’m sick and tired
of naive innocence
time to wise up
to the ways of the world
hear the angels laughing
at my ignorance
building a cold stone heart
with a solid turtle shell
I may be getting a late start
but nobody can tell
cos I’m gonna make new friends
I’m gonna be a child of the night
and nobody’s going to judge me
cos I’m gonna stand right up and fight
what’s your right and wrong
in speech, sex, and song?
teach me to be strong
find where I belong
God, if I had a place
in this human race
not a puppet on a string
would I not mean anything?
and the cradle does fall
the bottle’s thrown in a moment of weakness
crashing against the wall
shatters to a million pieces
we’ll find each other again
say the pieces of my bruised heart
I’m gonna climb up the tall mountain
and jump off to a brand new start
stretch push crack and break
I’ve had all that I’m gonna take
stretch push crack and break
I been good for fearing’s sake
stretch push crack and break
I’m gonna make some big mistakes
stretch push crack and break
my life’s what I choose to make
and I build my brick temple walls
and then they have to tear it all down
I’m the only one who ever had the balls
to build my shrine here in the heart of town
and they point at me and say I am pretentious
self-absorbed and hanging on a cross
but they don’t know me or my intentions
so fuck you, adios, and get lost
a mouth that is quiet
ain’t swollen black and blue
a heart that is humble
keeps beating through and through
a man who knows his place
knows always what to do
I’m still standing through all this
who’s king--me or you?
your weeping words are just cheap idle talk
you’re bleeding on my crackling skin and bones
you’re hollering who has a bigger cock
and the longest one should best be left alone
you say you crawl, at least I can walk
but my feet live under toil and tyranny
your bed lies in hard heavy hollow rocks
cos the waves crashed down your walls of fantasy
I’ve been lost at sea
martyred by mutiny
a casualty of war
my corpse washed on the shore
you run from rats and fleas
fearful of disease
you say help me please
get off your damn knees
I offer you my wisdom
you’re jealous of my kingdom
the masses too scared to linger
but still they point a finger
watch from your house of glass
my side’s got the greener grass
if you really think that’s true
you be me and I’ll be you
I’m in love with myself
I just creamed the mirror
there’s never been anyone else
that’s never been clearer
when I’m by myself
I never have to hide
when I’m with myself
I’m always satisfied
so I talk to myself
must be a mental case
I could vainly ask for help
oh but what a waste
I haven’t got the time
to try and melt somebody’s heart
if I want peace of mind
I guess it’s me and the old star chart
and I was looking for you
and sometimes you let me find
then I was lost again
when you found your own kind
and I’ve tried to climb your tower
but you kept building on
and when it falls like Babel
you know that I’ll be gone
in the “me degeneration”
I’m just one of many clones
survive by imitation
together and alone
dear friend, do you need help?
do you hunger, do you thirst?
your best resource is yourself
I look to my needs first
I’m in love with myself
the only heart that I can win
I’m not looking to find someone else
because there’s never ever been
when I’m by myself
I don’t have to put on a show
when I’m with myself
no one tells me where to go
so I sit against the wall
arms crossed around my legs
head rests on the knees
I guess I’ll close my eyes
nobody comes along
to lift me by the arms
to wrap me all in his
time to sleep again
5. the south american bullfrog*
echoes under a black new moon
stars say to sky run break through the clouds
drenched with rain on an ice covered road
caught the current swept under my feet
a pound in the brain, a beat of the heart
a knock on the door, the stomp of a foot
a bang on the drum, the bounce of a ball
a blink in the eye, a croak in the mouth
laughing lines on a twilight swinger’s sand
aching for the lime in a pretty waiter’s hand
leaping from this restless ridge and--
awake with the snakes in bullfrog land
a little bit of never
always in my dreams
this tiny forever
why do we always want what we cannot have?
I’d learn to fish just for you
I’d make every wish come true
you’d know I’m always proud of you
you can do whatever you wanna do
but I know that you can never be
cos you could never come from me
dark and cold here in this heart of mine
empty space gets bigger all the time
tip my hat to the mighty craftsman
after that, we shoot at tin cans
take you places--where you wanna go?
you’d run the bases and never too slow
but I know that I could never be
anything but what the world sees
and I know I do not have a choice
I just dropped by to make a little noise
but still I’d love to take you to the movies
love to make up scary bedtime stories
talk to teacher when something’s wrong
when you’re weak, I’ll help you to be strong
yet I’m the one that needs a helping hand
when there’s no one who really understands
so I lock the door and sit here in the dark
in solitude I’ll make my mark
7. in this slice of life
...
(the worms are on my side)
crawling through the mud
scavenging the blood
in dead flesh we’re bathing
drink fluids of the decomposing
in this slice of life
the worms are on my side
and when you twist the knife
dig a hole and hide
I was cut in half today
but I still found my way
I was crushed underfoot
reborn in smoke and soot
I made a baby cry
when the stakes got high
I am my own fish bait
when I’m too hungry to wait
in this slice of life
the worms are on my side
first you take that bite
off to slither and slide
in this slice of life
the winner may take all
but all is lost overnight
and watch mr. winner crawl
looking at me
looking at me
can nobody see
my nail-scarred hands?
looking at me
looking at me
can nobody see
my nail-scarred hands?
my trust was torn
by a crown of thorns
my faith impaled
with a cat of nine tails
my conscience lost
crushed with the weight of my cross
hope denied
when a sword pierced my side
who will follow me?
who can I save?
son, you can’t even save yourself
don’t you know I’m special
I rose from the grave
well, so has everyone else
I need you all to know
that I’m a survivor
though what survives
isn’t worth living
I try to show
a heart of kindness
but no one accepts
what I am giving
and I am forgiving
like salmon upstream
resurrected memories
ascending from the depths
second chances
fall like bread from heaven
loaves and fishes
from the 7-11
please do not die
please do not die
weak is my cry
it can’t reach the sky
ungodly attacks
ungodly attacks
you can’t turn back
and your colors turn black
if God is cruel
if God is cruel
then you’ve been listening
to the prayers of a fool
when a sick child loses his defenses
and another boy's body dangles lifeless
when the loudest scream won’t wake you up
why do you want me to drink from your cup?
cos when I’m drowning under water
and I know my time has come
and I see a distant light
and wonder where it comes from
I wonder will you be there?
to tell me it’s alright
and say child don’t be scared
just swim toward the light
10. the last word
...
(for eric gravning)
my hatred for you is like the black tobacco
spit from the mouth of a grungy baseball player
my love for you was destroyed centuries ago
and quickly buried a thousand feet under
if I had a box labeled “something new”
it couldn’t be opened in view of you
you couldn’t step that close to the venus fly trap
a little shop of horrors sat in your lap
if Melville wrote a sequel, would it be Moby Cunt?
what hideous creature would the sailor hunt?
and what did it do to merit such vengeance
to die with no hope of a second chance?
my heart is like a steel-plated gopher
digging deep down to the core of the earth
trying to find the love that was buried there
hungry and hoping for whatever it’s worth
Wilshire is the street of all the stars
Wilshire Circle you parked your spaceship
from California, no closer than Mars
before one more intergalactic trip
my poetry sucks, and so do my pleas
and I’d better quit now cos I’m not ahead
like giving you head, I’m down on my knees
but you’d rather I fall back and drop dead
so if this is the last word, I better make it count
it’s been so long to just now finally start
to love and forgive both you and myself
you’ll always have a place in this dark lonely heart
time changes and so do I
cast out of heaven and fell from the sky
thought you never found time to hear me cry
I lost my desire to lay down and die
if in the desert there’s always a fountain
soothing hot springs on the snow covered mountain
soon there’ll be a change in the weather
and I suspect we’ll see it together
*"The South American Bullfrog" also appears on the collection,
A Special
Kind of Reincarnation: a poetic journey into the lives of Nick Stahl.