in the belly of a dead lamb
buried
behind the net
desert interlude
balm of gilead
magic shoes
colors turn black
hungry interlude
outcast's lament
magnificent obsession
shasta lake
if you died
straight stomp
the needle missed the vein
you return
dark night of the soul
today I cried, tomorrow I'll laugh
in the endless cycle of manic depression
a new day in the past, a memory of tomorrow
in the darkest hour, the bright light of failure
what should I do but seek something new?
enough of the old, all covered in mold
fed up with the same mindless mind game
when your soul's been sold, your story told
gusts of wind blow through my skin
I'm spitting gravel from deep within
I avoid the power lines in this kind of wind
I snuggle inside, won't go out again
he was afraid, but the choice was made
she had her doubts, but did not think about
walking alone with mister skin & bones
reach out your hand, you needn't understand
bodies are buried beneath the brown fallen leaves
orange & red cover the dead
their tortured souls are set free
underneath the autumn leaves
if every journey begins with a first tiny step
watch my foot lift off the ground
& I'll never know where I'll wind up next
or what I'm looking for until it's found
what could I do but have hope in you?
what would it cost if this hope was lost?
I'm hardly the same, except for my name
innocence lost when these lines are crossed
bodies are buried beneath the brown fallen leaves
orange & red cover the dead
their tortured souls are set free
underneath the autumn leaves
that's what autumn means to me
somebody's hot
& somebody's not
who's it gonna be?
will he think of me?
just an email away
all these pictures say,
"I'm your dreams come true...
& I'm too good for you"
& yes...I think so
& I don't wanna hear you say no
please...write me
you have to just wait & see
I'm takin' a chance
& pissin' my pants
I'll wait a few days
alone in this haze
it says I got mail
are you just out on bail?
that picture wasn't you
it's your cousin Drew
oh god...uncuff me
are these chains really necessary?
oh mom...you were right
if I'd only listened, wouldn't be here tonight
I'm hearing voices
& I'm making choices
as I try to let loose
will I get caught in the noose?
what's your cock size?
what music you like?
what films you despise?
is your name really Mike?
what's your perfect date?
what about your job?
what's on your plate?
what's your biggest turn-off?
safety, security
you want to hide from the authorities
shyness is blindness
a wish is only a hope for the hopeless
the sun crashes down on my skin
like ten thousand penthouse pianos
my eyes are pierced with sand
& my mouth a stale inferno
coughing up my intestines,
sand grinding tracks in my skin
gasping for water, gasping for air
I see a stream, but it's gone when I get there
God so near, God so far
God please hear me wherever you are
I'm falling down, I'm falling fast
don't know how much longer I can last
God so near, God so dear
God in the heavens & in my heart
if you always care & you're always there
why do I feel like we're worlds apart?
dawn comes to tickle my back
the wind whispers secrets in my ears
fading moon relents to sunrise
& I feel your futures drawing near
waves are calling me under the covers
I want to get back to my dreams & lovers
the sun says "come out" but it'll have to wait
when I want to catch the light, it will be too late
somewhere, you're cutting a path
through branches of boredom & limbs of loneliness
sometimes I see you building a bridge
between potential of present & fulfillment of future
evening comes with its canvas of twilight
you & Atlantis & heaven in sight
I soak it all in & it fills every need
I come back inside where my heart starts to bleed
meanwhile, you're back in some stream of life
running towards an endless ocean
sometimes I hear you calling to me
I want to jump in but I am afraid
the highway fades to the hills in the horizon
the grey hills fade into the setting sun
you're every star in the cold November night
I'd see you better if the moon weren't so bright
is your magic communicable?
If we shared fluids, one body to another
could what's transmitted come from the soul?
dreamed lover...blood brother...
these magic shoes a flying carpet
these magic shoes the genie I dream of
these magic shoes can make you forget
these magic shoes can make you fall in love
these magic shoes with white sock to ankle
these magic shoes in exquisite traction
tie up the laces & you're ready to go
these magic shoes just want some action
they can make it stand up straight
they can make you sit upright
they can make you clean your plate
they can keep you warm at night
these magic shoes are made for wearing
these magic shoes are made for love
these magic shoes are made for fucking
try one on, fits like a glove
bombs & bullets obscure the view
of the tiny keyhole of hope in you
shattered pieces pierce the skin
the blood flows out from deep within
hazy night & dizziness blinds
darkens every corner of the mind
a heart that slows clear to the flat line
& nobody knows what you left behind
trying to rewrite history–
stand up for you, "account for me"
waves of compassion wash over you
your eyes a sunrise in royal blue
sun breaking through the tops of the trees
everyone is down on his knees
yes I will hold you in my wavering arms
& write to your parents back at the farm
what they don't know & why I'm silent
the hours of secrets in darkness we spent
to have been so close, to see you now die
I'll die myself before they see me cry
I know that I'll live to see another day
this, as I'm watching you fade away
dear Eddie, can you steal some courage from me
as you cross that final boundary?
the hungry beast lurches from the dungeon,
lumbers through the caverns below the city
hunting stray cats & little children
longing for the day when he can finally be...
a MAN...
the best love is forbidden love
taboos are the frontier
the best new way to find yourself
between the legs of fear
I should know, I been there
I come here everyday
in & out, my sin & doubts
wash everything away
too young, too old, too bloody
you'll never have a wife
it's getting kind of muddy
you're playing with my knife
& I sing my song
I know I'm wrong
no I'm not strong
I've already said
but I'll sing my song
& I'll be King Kong
until I belong
or until I'm dead
I never meant to shock you
I surprise me all the time
I want fun but can't have none
just because it is a crime
but that don't always stop me
sometimes I get away
with anything my mind can bring
to the night's passion play
I'm tired & weak & worthless
now I'm all used up
I'll drop this nasty business
just to pick it back up
& I sing my song
for right or wrong
I don't belong
there in your bed
so I'll sing my song
& pretend I'm strong
& it won't be long
til it's out of my head
calling all desires
their ears are deaf to hear
whatever want inspires
I get the gift of fear
the sun rises & the hero falls
he is not hurt, but my heart is broken
& I look at the day, like a mouse in a maze
I try a thousand doors, but none are open
& I walk through these hallowed halls
every picture frame holds a memory
but no picture hanging on these blood-stained walls
holds a glimpse of tomorrow's possibility
I would climb, but these walls are too high
too much time for another confession
I've nothing left to do but reach for the sky
between me & you, you're my big obsession
between cowardice & courage I straddle the fence
I'm split in two, leaving marks on both sides
success & failure are one & the same
oh consequence, you know where I hide
& angels are devils when the motives aren't pure
the ends don't justify the means without the truth
I'm hoping for the best, but I can't ever be sure
Can you see all this from the Projector Booth?
would you call these idols, these things I play with?
the devil makes work for my tongue & hands
the dreamer dreams, even when he's awake
my dreams overrun your best laid plans.
as I close my eyes, I listen for your words
it's only then that the walls seem small
& though I listen for you, I've seldom heard
I come away with no faith at all
so I'll keep my ear turned towards the heavens
as I swallow my pride & make more concessions
here is another painful lesson
on love & duty, madness, obsession
[part one]
now it's just you and me
on the shores of Shasta lake
I know that you've been wondering
whose heart you can break
so I'll tell you right now
I don't like to be alone
don't you dare tell me how
I could make it on my own
cos you know that I know
& you know what I would do
what it takes to let go
& say goodbye to you
to love one & not the other
you have to make a choice
I know it's up to you
but I must have a voice
she's your creature comfort
says what you want to hear
I'm the harsh reality
& everything you fear
cos I know you've been running
& what you're running from
it takes a little cunning
for you to keep so numb
I know what you hope for
& what you're gonna find
it's just beyond this shore
once you've left me behind
[part two]
if this bridge had sidewalks
I'd never dare to walk across
I could never trust myself
not to jump off
it's a royal blue
darker than the sky's hue
& I'm thinking of you
my landing is soft
& the blood touches dry limestone walls
washes what's left of me on the shore
children are playing, wading in the water
innocence is lost once more
little child spies bridge on high
it might as well come from the sky
things that high must know how to fly
perhaps even you when you forget how to cry
I wanted to see how far I could go
to touch the sky & the water below
at first I wondered, now I know
first I tell, then I show
[part three]
this beauty is a danger
like candy from a stranger
dare reach out & touch
dare to feel that much
don't even need to try
you can get so high
& as if just for show
you can get so low
I have to stop & think
you just have to blink
in your brain, there's a thump
I think I'm gonna jump
I'm falling, falling fast
could this song be the last?
already I miss you
my body hits the blue
if you died
I'd still have to fantasize
I'd come up with new ways
for you to turn me on
that blood comes from inside you
the skin can no longer hide you
I see your heart beat on & on
I would kiss your wounds
lick the blood on my lips
I would caress you
hold you tight in my arms
I'd rub my fingers
along the outline of your rib cage
such delicate construction
succumbed to such harm
I would tear you open
to see what was inside
like a buried treasure
or an ancient tomb
I would know the secrets
of your private universe
& what it must have meant
to face your doom
if you died
I'd come inside you
to try & absorb
all the pain that you felt
I'd whisper in your ear
a message to your soul–
somebody loves you
in your shoes I dwell
A lesson forgotten, if only for a moment
just long enough for something to happen
to make the wrong move, to say too much
uncover my heart, wet to the touch
Guess I made a mistake again
now I feel all hollow inside
stupid chances I take again
from this faux pas I cannot hide
why say something you don't want to hear?
what do I expect to get from you?
I just wanted to make it all clear
there have always been things I wished you knew
now I'm licking the soles of another man's shoes
sooner or later, it comes down to this
I always believe I have nothing to lose
but why do I feel like there's so much I'll miss?
so many broken pieces of my heart
so much blood from the gushing veins
you're head-in-the-sand to play the part
of the shell-shocked soldier on the rescue plane
& I'm licking the soles of another man's shoes
there was a time when we stood eye to eye
so much I want but so little to choose
there was a strong delusion to believe a lie
better luck next time, the coach sweetly says
there's never a next time, only here & now
these feelings must mean something, don't say they're worthless
I will vow to make it special somehow...somehow...
& I'm licking the soles of another man's shoes
I must like the taste cos I'm back here a lot
I'll give all I can to this sadistic muse
if it's the thought that counts, how do you count the thought?
--the needle missed the vein--
I don't get it, what is it? An inside joke?
I don't give a shit...go ahead & smoke
I'll listen to you if you get me wasted
now that's the best bullshit that I've ever tasted
pass me the pipe, teach me how to inhale
the salsa was fine but the chips were stale
when I'm drunk, I think I'm cute as can be
I'd fuck myself if I could clone my body
I'm not lonely
the needle missed the vein
try & try again
I will not complain
I can take the pain
forget me, fine, you're out of my mind
good fucking riddance, waste of my time
I'll see you at the next audition, shmoozefest
when it comes to cocksucking, I know you're the best
I'm nice, I'm smart...I'll listen to you
but you've nothing to say, & I've nothing to do
so much to fear, & life's not been tried
all I know how to do is duck & hide
I'm not scared
the needle missed the vein
try & try again
I will not complain
I can take the pain
conception of a concept
& plenty room to grow
years pass like seconds
& the days are so slow
the cycle is complete
hitting the road tonight
but you'll return, return again
& I know you'll be alright
taking care of business
it's what we humans do
it seems to be life's purpose
but I'm not as good as you
you've got it all together
there seems to be no doubt
but you'll return, return again
& I know I'll work it out
you can't read my mind
& you can't hear this song
I can't tell you anything
because everything is wrong
dead men tell no tales
in dreams, I take the fall
but you'll return, return again
& I'm in for the long haul
you come & you go & return again
like wind when it blows, the fire burns again
my heart beats so slow, then I yearn again
I need to know you'll return again
& the fire's fading fast
on what I thought could be
if I love you at last
does it mean hating me?
cos I want to stand & shout
& protect whatever's mine
but you leave again tonight
& I am left behind
I can't own the blame for what I got in my genes
you're everything that I want to be
I still feel the same when I recall my good deeds
everyone tells me what I cannot see
I go to the kitchen, get something to eat
no vegetables but plenty of meat
my stomach is full but I'm not complete
I look you over from head to feet
so many dark thoughts rushing through my brain
they travel as fast as the pouring rain
my heart is as black as a charcoal stain
spoken secrets would brand me insane
& it's a dark night of the soul
the serpent will come
I'll ask where he's from
"don't be afraid to lose control"
that's what he'll say
I won't stand in the way
I'm looking for a mirror that reflects something nice
I long for what's real, but dreams will suffice
I'm not satisfied with the usual vice
is it hot as hell or cold as ice?
& it's a dark night of the soul
I'm descending so fast
I know I can't last
& when I'm down in the black hole
I'll think of your face
save me a place
wind blows the truth like the yellow leaves
but what good is that to a soul that grieves
a youth that was dead before it could even breathe?
I look to the heavens & try to believe
but it's a dark night of the soul
there's nothing to lean on
as I wait for the dawn
& soon this guilt will take its toll
I'll fall on my knees
forgive me, please
It is a dark night of the soul
Dear GOD, I hide from you in the daylight
Oh, but it's a dark, dark night
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© 2000 Matt Russell.