PREDATOR'S SMILE
A play by Matt Russell
for Daniel Cook
Scene Five
Scene Six
Scenes One thru Four
CHARACTERS
GWEN. A beautiful alien from outer space.
SVEN. A nerdy nobody in high school.
STAN. A popular class mate of Sven, and drummer of Sleaze Pleaze.
FRAN. Stan's bitchy girlfriend.
THE ROCK BAND, SLEAZE PLEAZE:
FLOYD, the singer.
ELRIC, the guitarist.
ALOYSIUS, the bass player.
GROVER, the keyboard player and Stan's best friend.
BETSY, a teenage girl.
HELGA, her friend.
THE TIME
Right now, this instant...And a little later.
THE PLACE
A park, a garage, and an apartment in the land of suburban white trash.
(The next evening at the apartment. FRAN paces nervously, alone. She glances at her watch a couple of times, then retreats on the couch.)
FRAN: Where are you, Stan? He's gonna be here soon. You better not leave me alone with this geek, or you're the one who's gonna be killed.
(SOUND: a knock on the door. FRAN buries her head in her hands.)
FRAN: Oh fuck fuck fuck!
(FRAN gets up and answers the door, finding SVEN standing there with a bouquet of flowers.)
SVEN: Hi.
FRAN (Bitchy): Come in.
(SVEN comes in, and FRAN slams the door behind him.)
FRAN: Have a seat.
SVEN: Should I put these somewhere first?
FRAN (under her breath): Shove 'em up your ass.
SVEN: Where?
FRAN: Well, darling, if you play your cards right, maybe you can bury them in my bush.
SVEN: Actually, I didn't come here to bury anything in your, uh...
FRAN: Oh, Sven, baby, don't tell me the needle is too small for the haystack.
SVEN: I'll just put these on the counter.
FRAN: Whatever grinds your gopher...Hot stuff.
(SVEN goes over to the counter and lays the flowers down. There is an awkward pause as the two stand there, staring at each other in disgust.)
SVEN: Maybe I should have a seat.
FRAN: Thank you.
(SVEN has a seat, and the staring continues.)
SVEN: Maybe you should offer me a drink.
FRAN: You'd like one. Thank you.
(She goes in the kitchen, opens the refrigerator, and takes out a beer.)
FRAN: What'll it be? V-8? Cran Grape? Oh sorry, I'm out of Kool-Aid.
SVEN: Whatever you got.
FRAN: How about a glass of water?
SVEN: Sure.
(FRAN closes the fridge, gets a glass, and fills it with water. She returns and gives it to SVEN.)
FRAN: Thank you, generous hostess.
SVEN (Smiling): You're welcome.
(FRAN sits a chair, across from SVEN.)
FRAN: So what have you been doing to yourself, I mean with yourself lately?
SVEN: Oh just the usual, trying to avoid your boyfriend.
FRAN: I see he beat you up again.
SVEN: Oh yeah, sure did. So, uh...Where is old Stanny Boy?
FRAN: You know, that is a very good question.
SVEN: Oh, you mean you don't know?
FRAN: No. He was supposed to be off work an hour ago.
SVEN: You mean, he was supposed to be here, tonight?
FRAN: What? Oh, no, no, of course not. No, we wouldn't want that. I mean, he would frown on us
seeing each other, I bet.
SVEN: Yeah, that's what I thought.
FRAN: No, he was going to go bowling tonight, but he was going to call me first.
SVEN: Why?
FRAN: Oh, just to let me know he's all right, I mean, gasoline is a dangerous substance to work
with. Every day I dread finding out he caught on fire or exploded or something.
SVEN: Yeah, I guess that's true. I never though about that.
FRAN: Yeah, you don't get good grades, do you?
SVEN: Well, it's kind of hard when you have to skip so many days for doctor's appointments.
FRAN: Oh, that Stan. He's a real character, isn't he?
SVEN: And then some.
FRAN: Hey, you know...I know some people are kind of mean at school, and sometimes...
Sometimes I may come off as an insensitive little bitch, but...I want to tell you something.
I'm sorry you have shit for brains, okay? I'm sorry you're so ugly. Here I am all getting in an
uproar about having a bad hair day, and I don't even stop to think that there are those even
less blessed than I. (Raises her beer bottle) Here's to the leper!
SVEN: Amen! Hey, you know what I found goes really great with that there Bud?
FRAN: You drink?
SVEN: Yeah. Occasionally.
FRAN: Well, I'm going to have to tell your mommy.
SVEN: That's where I get it.
FRAN (At a loss): Oh. Well, I'll have to tell a police man.
SVEN: Like I was saying...(Pulling out a piece of gum from his coat pocket) This gum compliments
the taste of beer like nothing I've ever experienced.
FRAN: You're shittin' me.
SVEN: No. It sounds strange, but it's true. Try it.
(SVEN hands her a piece of the gum, and she reluctantly takes it and unwraps it.)
FRAN (starting to chew): I guess all the ingenious discoveries are made by people who don't have lives, and have nothing better to do than--
(FRAN drops to the floor, unconscious. SVEN stares at her and smiles. Blackout.)
(The park. Voices are heard off stage as the lights come up.)
GWEN: Here. This way.
STAN: Where are we going?
(GWEN enters, pulling STAN by the hand.)
GWEN: We're here.
STAN: In the park? You want to do it in the park?
GWEN: Well, you said your apartment was getting bug-bombed.
STAN: I thought we could go to your place.
GWEN: I don't live alone.
STAN: You could rent a room.
GWEN: Why would you wanna spend money on that? You talk like this thing is gonna last longer
than one night.
STAN: Maybe it could.
GWEN: Don't flatter yourself. I saw you at the gas station, thought you were kinda hot, figured
that since my boyfriend is outta town, and I got nothin' else goin' tonight...
STAN: I usually think the same way, but I thought by the way you snatched me up right after
work...I mean, you didn't even give me time to clean up or anything.
GWEN: What's the point?
STAN: I smell like gas.
GWEN: I've smelled worse.
(There is an awkward pause, then STAN approaches GWEN, placing a gentle hand on her cheek.)
STAN: Well, if you want to be naked in the park, then I suppose that's all right by me.
(STAN starts to kiss her wildly, but GWEN backs away.)
STAN: What's the matter?
GWEN: First thing's first.
STAN: What? You couldn't afford dinner.
GWEN: No, not that.
STAN (looking around): There's no one here.
(At this point, GROVER should be visible, trying to hide behind a tree. GWEN notices him, but pretends not to.)
GWEN: It's not that.
STAN: What then? Foreplay?
GWEN: Foreplay's nice, but there is something that goes even before that.
(STAN thinks for a moment, then realizes.)
STAN: Oh yeah! (Offers hand) Hi, my name is Stan.
GWEN: Oh...I'm Gwen, but that's not the issue.
STAN: Oh.
GWEN: What I wanted to tell you is that I happen to have something that will help the both of
us get in the mood.
STAN: You got some crack...
(STAN walks around, looking every direction, checking behind bushes for cops.)
STAN: I just took some a bit ago, but that's okay--
GWEN: I don't know if we're thinkin' of the same thing. I'm talkin' about a very potent
aphrodisiac.
STAN: Afro...Oh, I appreciate the thought, but I don't think I'll need one. I should be able to
get by just fine. And I know for a fact you shouldn't need one. Wait till I unbutton my shirt
here.
(STAN starts to unbutton his shirt.)
GWEN: It's not that we need anything, Stan. I was just thinking it makes things a little more interesting, you know, livens things up a bit.
(A brief pause.)
STAN: Okay. Hell, I'm for livening things up. What is it?
(GWEN pulls a piece of gum out of her pocket.)
STAN: Gum?
GWEN: That's right. (Handing it to STAN) It's from Japan.
STAN (Unwrapping it) It's blue. Cool.
(STAN sticks the gum in his mouth and starts to chew it. He stands there a moment, chewing.)
STAN: Wow! It's starting to work already. Oh my GOD! You are one sexy little...JESUS!
GWEN (alarmed, to herself): It's not working.
STAN: What to you mean? This is incredible. Are you going to have a piece?
(GWEN reaches into her pocket and feels around.)
GWEN: Oh no. That was my last piece.
STAN: Oh. Well, that's okay.
(STAN takes the gum out of his mouth and offers it to GWEN.)
STAN: Here. The flavor's not gone, so I bet it still works.
(GWEN takes the gum and throws it away.)
STAN: Why did you do that?
GWEN: I'm sorry. I decided I wanted to rely on my own raw sexuality.
STAN: Good idea. I'm gonna explode!
GWEN: You know, come to think of it, maybe you should go behind one of those bushes and
masturbate first. Release some of that excess energy. I wouldn't want you to rough me up.
STAN: Oh screw that, bitch, just lay the fuck down.
GWEN: What?!
(STAN pushes GWEN to the ground, and goes down on top of her.)
GWEN: Help! Dugly bom toofleezoglet up onyx avenue and pombleezovlet!
STAN: Shut up!
GWEN: Good vuscure hux eedoy zoquix. Kozvineeriome uv reemiscoin.
(SVEN enters, dragging FRAN. He notices the struggle, as STAN starts to undress himself and GWEN.)
SVEN: Holy shit!
GWEN: Gooby vupooly caroowayoboflovsen!
(SVEN starts to approach, then stops in his tracks.)
SVEN: Wait! Ebola! Goddamnit!
(FRAN wakes up as SVEN is pondering what to do. She gets up slowly.)
GWEN: Help!
SVEN (to himself): But if they do start an outbreak at this park, it's gonna get me eventually
anyway, I mean...It's the big city. I might as well take my chance to stop it now, if he hasn't
gotten in there yet.
FRAN (Seeing what STAN is doing, outraged): What the hell...?
GWEN: Vovvi bobbi pin!
STAN: Shut your trap, you fuckin' whore.
SVEN (in a commanding voice): Get off of her now, you poor excuse for a pig's asshole.
(STAN stops what he's doing, slowly starts to get up, and stares in awe at SVEN.)
STAN: You want two times in one day, dumb shit?
(Then STAN notices FRAN.)
FRAN: So that's where you were.
STAN: Honey. (At a loss for words) Uh, I'll explain later.
(STAN tries to punch SVEN in the face, but SVEN ducks out of the way. STAN lunges at SVEN, who knees STAN in the groin. SVEN grabs STAN's hair and pulls him to the ground. SVEN kicks STAN in the stomach repeatedly.)
SVEN: Had enough, big boy?
(SVEN goes to GWEN to help her up. STAN gets up and charges at SVEN, but FRAN jumps up on him, and eventually takes him down. She stands up and takes turns with SVEN kicking STAN, until he is knocked unconscious. GROVER steps out from behind the tree.
GROVER: That's enough of that. (To Sven) Looks like I'm gonna get to beat the shit out of
you after all.
FRAN (jumping in front of SVEN): No you don't.
GROVER: Move over darlin'. I'll jump on you later.
FRAN: Stay away from him!
GROVER (pushing FRAN aside) No.
(GROVER starts to strangle SVEN.)
GROVER: You little yellow pissant scum sucking motherfucker...
(FRAN lunges at GROVER, but he kicks her aside, and she falls to the ground.)
GROVER: Cocksucking, motherfucking son on a bitch! Fucking faggot shithead...
GWEN: Help! Help!
(GWEN lunges at GROVER, but he kicks her aside, and she falls to the ground. FLOYD appears, walking down the street, singing to himself.)
FLOYD: She set a booby trap / That's the way it goes / Got on his lap / Took off the rest of her clothes / She set a booby trap / They got into bed / Took a nap / She gave him some head.
(FLOYD sees the conflict and stops.)
FLOYD: Oh gosh...HEY!
(GROVER sees FLOYD, and stops choking SVEN. He holds a half-conscious SVEN up by the hair.)
GROVER: Hi Floyd. I'll be done in a sec.
(GROVER brings SVEN down to his knees.)
GROVER (to Sven): I'm having a real hard time trying to figure out just what you think you are. You think you're normal? You think you're a human being? (Laughs.) You're dogshit! Don't you know that by now? How long have you been hangin' out, stinkin' up the neighborhood? Don't you hear everybody laughing in your pathetic little shit face? Don't you see everybody running the hell away from you whenever you get near? Doesn't it hurt when Stan beats the living shit out of you? And you, you fucking idiot, come back for more! You know what I'm gonna do for you? Listen up, now, ‘cause I'm gonna do the biggest fuckin' favor anyone has ever done for you in your whole sorry life. I'm gonna put you out of your misery.
(GROVER gets ready to punch SVEN's lights out, but then--)
FLOYD: Stop it right there!
GROVER: What? Stay out of this.
FLOYD: You're an okay musician, but that's about all you're good for.
GROVER: Leave me alone, old man.
FLOYD: Old man? Old man? You just wrote your eulogy, you fucker!
GWEN: Go, uh...young man!
(FLOYD lunges at GROVER, who is caught off guard. FLOYD knocks GROVER to the ground and pins him down. FLOYD punches GROVER in the face, repeatedly, until he is knocked unconscious. FLOYD stands up when he's finished.)
FLOYD: See kids what a little fiber and exercise can do.
FRAN (Running to FLOYD, hugging him): OH DAD!
FLOYD: You're alright, sweety pie. (A short, tender pause) Oh shit! I gotta get to the studio!
Ta-ta.
(FLOYD takes off.)
FRAN: Bye Dad.
(FRAN and SVEN stand, and gaze in each other's eyes a moment. Then FRAN offers SVEN her hand and he takes it, shaking hands with her.)
FRAN: I'm sorry. I mean that. There's nothing else I can say, really, except I know I've
been a bitch. If you want to have lunch with me sometime, we can.
SVEN: Thank you.
(GWEN nudges SVEN's shoulder, and the two confer away from FRAN.)
GWEN: Um...I gave Stan my last stick of gum.
SVEN: Yeah?
GWEN: How are we going to get her on the ship?
SVEN: Well...Maybe we shouldn't.
GWEN: What?
SVEN: Maybe we shouldn't. She said she was sorry and...
GWEN: Oh great. You're going to turn your back on me now, after I--
SVEN: I'm not turning my back. I'll help you find another girl. We got Stan and Grover, isn't
that enough for you to start your work?
GWEN (Pause, considering): I guess so.
FRAN: Sorry to interrupt you guys, but what's going on? (To GWEN) Who are you and why were you
with my boyfriend?
SVEN: She's innocent, I promise. I'm sorry. We'll do lunch. And I'll explain, although I don't
think you'll believe any of it.
FRAN: Probably not.
GWEN: Hi, I'm Gwen.
FRAN: Hi. (Pause) Well, I guess I'll be getting home. (A light clicking in her head) Come to
think of it, how did I end up here?
SVEN: Go home and get some sleep. It will make more sense in the morning.
FRAN: I hope so.
(FRAN exits, a little frail and bewildered.)
SVEN: Are you all right?
GWEN: Nothing a gentle touch can't fix.
(SVEN and GWEN take each other's hands)
SVEN and GWEN: Ombi socni gundi guze. Ipsi spripsi fnankny bwuze.
The red light and the spacey noise accompany this scene, which lasts only a moment, then they go out.)
GWEN: You saved my life and you saved my dog. I must find a way to thank you.
SVEN: It was nothing.
(They go together, and sit on the bench.)
GWEN: Sven...
SVEN: What?
GWEN: What if I told you that...I was fond of you?
SVEN: I'd have to say...Too bad. We can't afford an ebola outbreak.
(GWEN reaches into her coat pocket and pulls out a condom.
SVEN: Those aren't 100% effective, you know.
GWEN: Not the ones on your planet. These are from my world. They're not latex. They're stronger.
SVEN: Are you sure?
GWEN: Yes, now come on, don't make excuses. You wouldn't be unattracted or discriminate against
me just because I'm an alien?
SVEN: No. Of course not. But Gwen, I'm not...the greatest catch on the planet. Stick around
awhile, you'll see, there are many hotter guys...
GWEN: I've been here long enough. And I suspect that maybe you have too. Come away with me.
You're the one I want to bring home to my people and my parents and have them say, "Wow,
what a catch!"
SVEN: This is a trick. You just want to get me up on your ship so you can feed me to your dog.
(There is a long pause.)
GWEN: Well, if that's what you choose to believe, you will think like that all your life.
You'll never trust anyone, human or otherwise. You will never get love from anyone if you don't
believe they have it to give you. If you don't think they want to give it to you.
SVEN: Why should I think they do?
GWEN: Because I say so.
SVEN: You must be from another planet.
(They slowly come together in a passionate kiss. We hear the sound of a space ship landing and see the light coming down from the sky. They look up in anticipation, and the lights blackout.)
© 1998 Matt Russell.