: Hello everyone! Welcome to the first annual Final Fantasy beauty pageant! I'm your host Locke Cole and-

: Hey! Why should this be exclusive to just Final Fantasy characters?

: We have a better union

: Discrimination!

: Now now... no need to get all upset...

: They just not want to lose!

: What's that supposed to mean? Like you could hold a candle to any of us!

: Yeah!

: (What's Gogo doing here?)

: Is that a challenge then?

: Sure! We've got nothing to lose

: We'll see about that!

: Will you people all shut up! I'm trying to get my makeup done!!

: er...

: Make up...?

: Where did you people come from?

: Yeah, makeup; come on Ayla, let's go

: Well, this should be interesting; after a commercial break we'll return to the First Annual Final Fantasy... er... /Chono Trigger Beauty Pageant! Stay tuned!

: Ah, the wonderful, loyal Chocobo

: Wark!

: Yes, truely the most magnificent of animals

: Warkity

: So come'on down to Choco-Billy's used Chocobo lot. We gots the finest deals ya'll ever find. White chocos, red chocos, yeller, green; heck we gots the whole dang rainbow o' Chocos down here!

: Wark wark!

: And we treats 'em right too, don't ya worry. Them's the finest fellers there is, them's. *Pats chocobo's beak*

: WARK!! *Bites Choco-Billy*

: Ahh! Dagnabbit! Stupid beast! Come er' ya! *Pulls out an axe*

: And we're back. Before we begin, let's introduce the panal of judges.

: Greetings

: Emperor Gestahl, an honor to have you with us

: It's great to be here, Locke

: But... I thought you were Gogo?

: Preposterious!

: ... interesting. Well, moving along...

: *Waves*

: It's Dalton!

: Now all you scum will bow to me!

: *ahem*

: I mean... what a great show this is, I can't wait for it to start... *grumble*

: Moving right along

: Hello!

: It's...?

: It's a me! Mario!

: Erm...? Well, whoever you are, welcome (man, they let just anyone be a judge)

: ...

: Next we have Maxim!

: Hi

: So, tell us about yourself

: Hi

: Er...

: Hi

: Anyways, our next judge-

: Hi

: *Wacks Maxim with his mic*

: ...

: There now

: Gwahaha

: What are you doing here, Ultros?

: I'll do anything for free food!

: And that wraps up the judging panal! Now, on with the show! Edge, over to you

: Thank you Locke. I'll be commentating this pageant step by step for all you folks tuning in at home. With me is my co-broadcasters Crono

: ...

: uh, and Squall

: Whatever

: er... alright; we'll return to get things underway after a word from our sponsers

: Aging, it happens to all of us. It's happening to you right now. Let me be honest. It's bad. When you get too old, you should be locked away somewhere. Some place where you won't cause anyone harm or discomfort. That's why I created the Retirement Center for Hasbeen Final Fantasy Characters

: Let me out of here!!

: Here we keep crazy old people far from civilization. Sure, they may not be happy; but it's a small price to pay for the good of society.

: Help help! They beat us at night!

: As you can see, these poor individuals have lost all sanity, they're better off here

: Please... someone... help us...

: So if you know any old people that you want out of sight for ever and ever, bring them on by

: *Cries*

: Thank you for your time

: Hello and welcome back once more

: ...

: Whatever

: (What is wrong with these guys?) Anyway, on with the show! Let's introduce our contestants, Locke?

: And here is our first contestant, from Final Fantasy IV, it's Rydia

: *Walks onto stage, waving at the audiance*

: This wonderous caller comes to us from the Village of Mist

: *Trips*

: Gwahahahahahahahaha!!

: Rydia! Are you alright?

: Ouch...

: What happend?

: Someone tripped me!

: But... there was no one else on stage...

: Are you saying you don't believe me!?

: Of course I do...

: Then find out who's responsible, or I'll blow this place apart to find them myself! *Storms away*

: Oh my, what an entrance; not quite what anyone was expecting though

: ...

: Whatever

: Alright, that's it! Get out of here! You're fired! Both of you!

: ... *Leaves*

: Whatever *Leaves*

: Well... next on the list we have Porom

: *Nervously walks onto the stage*

: This white mage came here from Mysidia

: *Fidgets*

: So Porom, tell us about yourself

: ... *mumbles very faintly*

: What's the matter? Speak up!

: *Faints*

: Looks like Porom suffered from a bit too much stage fright

: *Signals for Porom to be dragged off stage* Now let's meet Rosa, the last of the FFIV gals

: *Struts onto the stage*

: Like Porom, Rosa is also a white mage. She lives at Castle Baron with her husband Cecil. She is a great archer as well-

: I'm glad you brought that up, Locke. Here, put this apple on your head

: er... perhaps a volunteer from the audiance would be a better idea?

: Well hurry up then

: Who would like to help out the lovely Rosa? Anyone? You there! Come on up!

: I didn't volunteer...!

: Of course you did, here's your apple

: Mommy!

: Just hold still *Takes aim*

: Don't choke!

: Eeeps! *Fires*

: ...

: Cut to a commercial!

: Hi there, my name's Tifa Lockeheart. Looking for a good time? Come on down to my bar Tifa's Seventh Heaven, located below Midgar in sector Seven... well actually, it's pretty compacted now; but don't let that stop you! Sure maybe it was horribly crushed, but so what? I figure everyone could just sit on the rubble, it'd be fine...

: What's going on here?! Hey you! Stop looking at her like that!

: Cloud, that's just the cameraman! Wait!

: *Swings his sword... the picture is lost, screaming can be heard*

: I'd like to see them cover this up, what a disastor this whole thing's turning into. I can't believe she- oh! We're back! Uh... haha... er...

: Now let's move along to the participents from Final Fantasy VI

: *Prances onto the stage*

: First we have Relm, the young tyke from Thamasa

: Hiya Locke! This is great!

: Relm is quite the artist, her pictures are so real that-

: Gee, great idea Locke! I'd love to do your portrait

: Nonono! I... er... I mean... another volunteer...?

: Don't be silly now! *Paints Locke's portrait*

: Wow... look how realistic it is

: What are you talking about? I'm not the painting, you are!

: Haha, very funny; thank you Relm

: What are you laughing at? I'm the real Locke!

: Don't push it

: Stop impersonating me! *Wacks Locke*

: Alright, that's it! *Tackles Locke*

: Whee! Fun!

: Locke hits Locke! Oh wait, now Locke's reversed it, Locke's in trouble...! Oh my! Locke really got zonked on that last one!

: Relm, do something!

: Why? This is fun!

: Mwehehe

: Hi

: Security's here, which one do I arrest?

: Him!

: Him!!

: *Shrugs*

: Oh forget it! *Drags both Lockes away*

: Hey! Who's going to do the show?

: What do you care? You forgery

: Don't worry, I'll take it from here

: Well, it looks like we have a new host... strange, I wonder which Locke was the real one. In fact, didn't Locke disappear in a fight with Crono?

: ...

: No one asked you! I fired you! Get out!

: Alrighty, thank you Relm. Next up is... Terra!

: *Walks out confidantly*

: Terra Bradford is half human and half esper... she was born in the land of the espers and was abducted by Emperor Gestahl

: erm....

: It's great to be here Locke... er, Setzer...

: So, tell us Terra-

: Stop right there!

: Father?

: I never agreed for you to participate in this disgraceful production

: But...!

: Disgraceful?! Security!

: Now what?

: March home right now young lady!

: You can't tell me what to do anymore! Make me!!

: Get that guy out of here

: Alright...

: Oh, so you need some disipline do you?

: Why can't you just let me live my own life?!

: What a turn-around! Terra's father, the esper Maduin, has forbade her from being in the pageant... and I always thought he'd died

: uh oh... *Hides*

: Fire 2!

: Ack! Ultima!!

: ...

: *Drags Maduin away*

: That'll teach him

: Is it over?

: Get up you coward!

: I was looking for a contact lens!

: I meant Setzer

: Er... I was helping him look...?

: Well that certainly got ugly

: Now we have... Celes!

: *Walks out gracefully*

: Hoo-chi-moma!

: Wha....

: It's a privilage to be here

: Er... yes... uh.. hehe... er... Celes... is...

: I prepared a little song to sing

: Erm... by all means...

: Sings

Audiance: *Applaudes*

: Incredible...! Not only was it good, this is the first person that didn't make a fool of themselves... no one was even hurt!

: Thank you very very much Celes

: My pleasure

: And that concludes the FFVI women-

: Hold on!

: Gogo?!

: That's right, don't try to keep me out of this!

: Are you even female?

: Does this answer your question?!

: I don't believe it...!

: !!!!!!!

: Hiya Setzer

: D.... d.... d-d-d-d-d... Daryl?!

: In the flesh, hun

: *Passes out*

: *Waves and walks off, dragging Setzer*

: Incredible! Setzer's long lost love, Daryl; captain of the Falcon...! And we don't have a host anymore...!

: (Now's my chance...!)

: *Opens up on center stage*

: *Appears out of the gate with Locke*

: Grrr...

: I knew Locke'd been lost in time

: What's going on...?

: Locke, come on; cut to a commercial and I'll tell you what happend

: Commercial...?

: Wasting your life? Just sitting around, gathering dust? Are you lazy? Are you a bum? Is that the life you want?

: Yes!

: Shutup! No one wants that life! So come on down and enroll at Knight School! Here you'll be taught all the things that you'll need to know for the real world. How to stand around, how to tell people to stop and then watch as they run past anyway... all that great stuff

: er...

: Just ask a fine member of Knight School

: They make you sleep on the floor! They... they force you to sew sweaters! It's all a scam! It's nothing but a sweat shop!

: Quiet! *Knockes him out*

: ....

: That was all lies of course... He... he wasn't even part of our program; yeah that's it! He just snuck on... hehe... er... so... come on down...

: That's the stupidest story I ever heard

: It's not a story, that's really what happend

: *ahem*

: So you're saying there's two imposters of me running around? And one of them's a painting of the other?? And I'm supposed to host some sort of beauty pageant?!

: Yup

: Pssst! Locke!

: Rediculous, I'll have no part of this

: Well you don't have much of a choice

: We're on the air!

: Er, welcome back! Let's get on with the pageant

: Actually we were shedualed to hold the coronation now; however the ladies of Chrono Trigger have demanded that they be allowed to take part as well

: Now we have... Ayla!

: *Dashes onto the stage*

: From the year... 65,000,000 BC??! Erm... Ayla comes from-

: Me Aylay! Me win contest!

: Settle down there... this isn't a fight...

: Fight?! Ayla fight!

: *Dives for cover* Security!

: I don't want anything to do with her!

: Ayla strong! Ayla not lose!

: Backup, go to it; I'm on my coffee break

: No problem *Jump kicks Ayla*

: Ayla dizzy... Ayla lose...?

: *Drags Ayla away*

: And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why the Chrono Trigger people weren't invited

: Thank you security... now then... on with the show

: *Walks out*

: This is Lucca!

: Hi everyone!

: She's a promising student of science... who's inventions don't tend to turn out so great

: What?! My inventions are fantastic!

: Er... yes... of course...

: I brought one along to show everyone, look!

: I am Gato! Version 2.0

: Isn't he great? I upgraded him with windows

: .... Gato has performed an illegal operation and will now shut down

: What the?

: Gato will self-destruct in 10... 9...

: Er... well, thanks for having me, bye! *Runs for cover*

: 8... 7... 6...

: How did I ever end up in this mess?! Security!

: Locke, used the gate key!

: The whats?

: I'll take care of it!

: 3... 2... 1...

: *Opens up and sucks Gato in*

: One more time, that's why the Chono Trigger people weren't invited

: Hi

: That's it, I quit!

: But you can't quit, I'm next in line...

: er... well... on second though, please.. by all means

: Thank you Locke *Steps on stage*

: This stunning beauty is Princess Nadia, though her friends call her Marle

: *Waves daintily*

: She comes from Guadia Kingdom and-

: No! I can't take it anymore! I hate dressing up and acting like a princess *Flings dress off*

: Oh my...!

: Real beauty is on the inside, everyone knows that!

: Not the type of thing to bring up in a beauty pageant...!

: Bye! *Runs off*

: Er... well... I think that's the last contestant... now... judges, Who is the winner?

: Hold it right there!

: What...?!

: We're taking over here!

: Besides, I'm more beautiful than any of those 'contestants'

: Three wackos have invaded and are disrupting everything!

: Security!!

: To think they told me this job would be easy! *Charges onto the stage*

: Not so fast! *grabs the gate key from Locke*

: *Sucks Sabin in*

: Back up security!

: Forget it, this wasn't in my contract!

: Let's steal the show!

: Ha!! If anyone's taking over, it's me!

: In your dreams! This is my big chance for stardom!

: Oh me oh my, looks like we have a show down over who gets to trash this place... I'm getting out of here! *Runs off*

: Slash! Flea!

: Silence!!!

: Magus?!

: Eeps!

: Grr, upstaged again!

: B... brother?

: Hi

: Schala, I've been searching so long to find you

: Janus!

: Somebody do something!

: *Jumps on Locke's head*

: Something useful!

: Slash, Flea, Ozzie, Dalton, Ultros... and yes, even you Mario! You have caused enough harm for one day! Begone! *Casts Black Hole which sucks them all, along with Gestahl and Maxim away for the time being*

: Well now... how can we proclaim a winner without any judges?!

: ...

: Why not ask the audiance?

: What a stupid-

: *Glares*

: Er... wonderful idea!

: So who will win the First Annual Final Fantasy/Chrono Trigger Beauty Pageaant? You decide!

: Me?

: Not you, them! The audiance!