I'm at fault for a lot
of this, having brought myself up this way, feeling as though it was the way
a real man was suppose to be. I raised myself thinking that a real man dealt
with his own problems and kept his emotions hidden, maybe I was wrong to think
this way and maybe I wasn't. There's no way to tell now, it is too late to
turn back the hands of time. But, I honestly have to ask myself, If I were
able to change my ways, would I really want to? The most honest answer I can
give is, I don't know. Maybe nothing will be different, maybe things wouldn't
change, I'll never know and don't think I'd want to know, because I've learned
to accept, or at least cover up, things as they come along.
These words might make some sad but I do not want that, seeing another
person hurting because of my actions is something I cannot live with. Seeing
another person smile seems to comfort my soul for a fleeting moment or two,
so from this day forward my only goal in life is to make sure that the people
close to me are happy. Being that my joy comes from other's happiness, I will
no longer make an attempt to satisfy my own needs of happiness, for the energy
used to satisfy a hopeless cause is nothing but wasted energy. Nothing I do
now is for my happiness, every day living will be because ending my physical
form will make others sad. Any form of success in life will be for another
because it will make them happy, not me.
Again, do not worry about me or feel sad because of what I have said.
Maybe it's just a phase and maybe it's not but remember that as long as there
is a smile on your face, there will be one on mine.