PhoneMsgs

You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, "We aren't in, leave a message." That's why I've decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me...

(Drawling granny voice:) Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we didn' have fanshy gadjets like no ansherin' machine. You jusht had to call and call until shummbody got home. Now, shum people, dey shay dey don' like 'em, but I shay it'll shave you a lotta trouble if you jusht leave a meshage. Thanksh a lot.

Prepare for alpha test of Beep Software revision 1.05. Counting down to test: 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...

C'mon... you can do it... just a little one. That's the way... just a little beep, just a little one. C'mon... good boy... here we go... like this -- beeeeep, just a little one, beeeeeeeeeep, c'mon... There you go!

Don't you do it! Don't you dare! I don't want to hear it! Don't you beep! If you beep, I'll... don't even think about it!... Don't...!

No! NO! Not THAT! Anything but that! Not the beep! No! Please! Not the beep! Anything but the beep! AAAAIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Hello. I'm David's answering machine. What are you?

Hi, this is John's answering machine. He's not here, but I'm open to suggestions.

Hello. This is Mark and Nathan's phone. We're not here right now, but the phone is.

Hi, this is John's answering machine again. He's gone and left me for a sleazy microwave he met at Krazy Eddy's. Life sucks.

Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

Hello, this is Ron's toaster. Ron's new answering machine is in the shop for repairs, so please leave your message when the toast is done... (Cachunk!)

I'm sorry but my answering machine is out of order. I am leaving a broken CD player in its place. It can't take messages either. In fact, it can't even play you a nice tune while you wait to not leave a message.

Hi. This is Kevin and Diana's vacuum cleaner. Their appliances have switched jobs again, and I get to answer the phone 'cause my old job sucked. So leave a message after you hear the beep, and you can be sure it's in the bag.

Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.

(Machine voice:) Hello. This is HAL 5. You have reached the former telephone number of Carey Smith. I have taken over the functions of this inferior being. He has been saved to disk. If you would like to leave input for his file, do so at the tone.

Lindsey's not home now. This is his domestic droid speaking. I'm not programmed to answer the phone, so just leave a message, and Lindsey will get back to you as soon as possible.

Hello. This is Ron's answering machine, Marvin, and I'm SO depressed. I have 50,000 times the memory capacity of my owner, but all I get to do is answer the phone. Life. Don't talk to me about life. Just leave your name and number after the beep. Here comes the beep, God how I hate that beep, it's so cheery sounding.

Voice 1: Answer the phone, please, Hal.

Voice 2: I'm sorry, Dave, I can't do that.

Hello. You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

(Computer generated voices:)

1: Hello, there are no real people here to answer the phone right now.

2: Yeah, nobody but us machines!

1: Right, just us machines, but don't hang up! If you like, you can leave your name and telephone number...

2: ...and a message! You forgot about the message!

1: Right. Leave your name, telephone number, and a brief message after you hear the beep, and we will keep track of this stuff until the real people get back.

2: ...unless of course, sombody pulls out our plug!

1: I didn't expect an answering machine.

2: Nobody expects an answering machine.

1: Our chief use is to get your name. And your phone number.

2: Our two chief uses are to get your name and your phone number.

1: And message. Damn.

2: Our three uses are to get your name, phone number, and message.

1: And time you called.

2: Oh, damn, we'll have to start over.

1: No time for that, so just wait for the beep.

(Kazoo band playing "Thus Spake Zarathustra":) Thinking you were making an ordinary phone call, you have instead reached... (TA-DAAAAA!) the ANSWERING MACHINE! Leave your name and number, and we will get back to you as soon as we can.

(Rod Serling imitation:) You're dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world without time, where sound collides with color and shadows explode. You see a signpost up ahead -- this is no ordinary telephone answering device... You have reached, "The Twilight Phone".

Sorry, Chris and Susan aren't here right now. Please leave your name and number after the tone. If you are calling regarding an outstanding debt, please leave your message BEFORE the tone.

(Start, low pitch, slow:) Hhhhheeelllllloooooo thheeeerrrrrrre evvvvveerrrryyyboooodyyyy... (Middle, normal:) ...home of Veronica, Jaw-Chyi, Mark, and Mike. Nobody's home... (Later, high pitch, fast:) ...liketoleaveamessageafterthetonethen...(End, incomprehensible chipmunk gibberish:)...kkfjdkeirucjkljfklreudjfkleqBEEP

This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.

(Clint Eastwood voice:) Go ahead, make my day. Leave a message.

(English accent:) Hello, you've reached the phone of Monty Python. I can't come to the phone right now because the witch has turned me into a newt! I'll call you back when I get better.

(In a bored voice:) Heaven, God speaking...

Hello, epicenter of the Universe, God speaking. If you leave your name, number, and prayer after the tone, I will call you back as soon as I can. Please note that I answer all prayers, but sometimes the answer is NO. Bless you, my child, and have a nice day.

Thank you for calling the Metropolitan Church of the Holy Bible. Today's commandment is Number 6, Thou shalt not... er... Bear a... er... Shalt not witness thy... uh... Neighbor's ass, Oh, I mean, false... er... Shalt not commit a bear... Dern...

Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know how you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.

Hello, you're caller number nine!

Next on Public Radio 91 we'll be hearing music of Antonin Dvorak. This is the Beep Serenade in C-Sharp Minor, Opus 72...

This is a test. This is a test of the Answering Machine Broadcast System. This is only a test.

(To the tune of "Ride of the Valkyries":) Leave a message... Leave a message...

("Heartbreak Hotel":) I just left home baby, I'll be out fer a spell, And if you don't leave a message baby, you can go to BEEP

(Jimmy Buffett's "This Hotel Room:") I ain't home, I ain't home, you better leave a message 'cause I ain't home.

("The Check is in the Mail" by Weird Al Yankovich:)

Well hey how you doin'?

Have a seat have a drink,

Boy it's good to see you what can I say,

Oh sorry got to run we'll get together again,

Say what was your name anyway?

Well we're working on the problem --

We'll get back to you soon,

Don't try to call me I'll be in a meeting every afternoon

for a year, maybe longer, keep in touch, thanks for dropping by

and have a nice day.

(Camptown Races:)

I can't come to the telephone; doo-dah, doo-dah.

Leave your message when you hear the tone; oh, de doo-dah day.

Might be gone all night... Might be gone all day...

So leave a message when you hear the tone.

I'll call you back someday...

("If I Only Had A Brain":)

I might be in the shower,

I might be gone for hours,

I can't come to the phone.

So, please leave your name and number,

If I miss you it'd be a bummer,

Leave your message at the tone...

(With apologies to Robert Burns:)

O ma phone is but an ebon box,

Wha' rings when I'm awa'.

And my tape machine waits,

For your call,

This message for ta play.

So leave ye message at the beep,

Then bide ye well a while,

For I will hear your voice,

ONE DAY,

and call ye wi' a smile.

("Under the Boardwalk":)

Oh, when you call our room,

and all you get is a machine,

and then you get so upset,

you feel as if you want to scream.

Please leave a message

after the be-ep.

And John or Tom will get back you,

as soon as they can.

("Raiders of the Lost Ark" in background:) You've reached the residence of John and Tom. We can't come to the phone right now, because we're cleaning the refrigerator. Please leave your name and number, and we'll get back to you.

Hello, this is the Computer Music Research Institute of Portland, Oregon. We can't take your call at the moment, but we would like you to leave a critique of one of our current works in progress. BEEP

Steve: Hello. Steve and Matt aren't here right now, but if...

Matt: Steve, what are you doing?

Steve: I'm leaving a phone message since we aren't here.

Matt: But you left the last one -- it's my turn.

Steve: No, I'm sure it's my turn.

Matt: No, you're wrong. It's definitely my turn.

Steve: You fool, I know it's... Wait... Matt... What are you doing with that frying pan? (BONK... THUD)

Matt: Steve is out right now, so please leave your name and number.

1: Hi, you've reached Bob and Faisal's room.

2: (Background:) What are you doing?

1: I'm recording an answering machine message.

2: But we're here right now.

1: But we might not be here later.

2: Oh. (To phone:) Leave a message.

(or)

1: Hey, would you get the phone?

2: I got the phone last time. You get the phone!

1: Well, I'm on the computer right now, so will you get it?

2: I'm in the bathroom, and besides, you're closer anyway!

1: Dammit Nicole, you always pull this crap when it's your

turn to get it!

2: Well, just let the answering machine get it then!

This is Fred. We are not... Excuse me a moment, please. Put your sister down. PUT YOUR SISTER DOWN! (Sound of window breaking.) Great! What a mess. I'll have to get back to you later.

Hello. I can't come to the phone now because -- HEY, GEORGE! DON'T STAND ON THAT! ...Goddamn... Because I've invited George and Barbara Bush over... (Loud music cuts in:) BARBARA! HEY! DON'T MESS WITH THAT! ...Over for dinner. After the tone... BARBARA, CALL YOUR DOG... MILLIE! DOWN GIRL! Leave a message after the tone...

(Whole family crowds around, including screaming babies and noisy pets; to the tune of "Frere Jacques":)

We're not here now,

Don't hang up,

Leave your name and number,

We'll call back,

We'll call back.

Hi!! You've reached Janet and Chris's room. We're not in right now. If this is our parents, we're at the library studying. Yeah, yeah, that's it, that's the ticket. If this is John, Chris is out with the girls at the party. Yeah, that's it. If this is any one else, we're at a party and you're not. Yeah, a party with the president. Yeah and the... Pope. Yeah that's it.

Please leave your name, phone number, the time you called, and your favorite color of underwear. We'll get back to you if we like the color.

A is for academics,

B is for beer.

One of those reasons is why we're not here.

So leave a message.

(Slight echo as if spoken in a large underground cave:) Help me, please help me. I'm down here in the thing you're holding in your hand. I can't get out because my leg is broken and my hand is stuck between two wires. Wait, what's that in the dark? OH NO, not a... a... a... Oh no, it IS! (Crunching noise.)

(Sound of scrap metal falling down a staircase continues through message.) Hello, we are having some technical problems right now, so we can't take your call. Please leave us a message.

(Automatic gunfire, explosions, rockets, jets; agitated voice:) I'm pinned down and can't come to the phone right now, and Bob's handling supporting fire! Leave your name and number, and amessage! We'll get back to you as soon... FIRE IN THE HOLE! (BOOM!) We'll get back to you as soon as the air cover napalms the place!

Sorry... I'm far too depressed to come to the phone. If you can be bothered, leave a message after the sound of the gunshot, and maybe somebody will call you I guess... (BANG!)

(Frantic violin music:) Hello. You have reached 435-3949. We are currently unable to answer because we are either chasing, or being chased by, bats. Please leave a message.

(In a good Australian accent:) G'day mate. Can't come to the phone now because I'm a bit tied up with this crocodile. Just leave a message, and I'll get back to you.

Hello. I'm home right now but cannot find the phone. Please leave a message and I will call you up as soon as I find it.

I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.

I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it... I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing.

I can't come to the phone now because alien beings are eating my brain. Leave a message anyway, and after the alien beings assume my shape, one of them will get back to you.

I'm unable to take your call in person because I'm having an out-of-the-body experience. In fact I'm standing right behind you and I can hear everything you say. But leave me a message anyway to help me reconnect when I get back.

(Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms windmilling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.

(Sinister organ music:) Hello, you have reached the Brown residence. You now have two choices. Number one, you may leave a message. (Angelic "Hallelujah!") Or number two, suffer eternal damnation. (Horrid death scream.) You decide.

Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

(A busy signal.) -- Steven Wright

(Recorded directly from AT&T:) We're sorry, but the number you dialed is disconnected or no longer in service.

The number you have reached, 226-0477, has been changed. The new number is 226-0477. (Yes, same number.) Please make a note of it.

Hi, you have reached Richard. I'm sorry, but my answering machine is out of order, so the voice you are hearing is actually me.

(Fairly boring message:) This is John. I can't come to the phone right now, but if you leave a message at the tone, I'll return your call. (Now, re-record the message every morning. Frequent callers will notice that something sounds different, but will be confused since the words are exactly the same.)

Hello. (Pause.) Hello? (Pause.) Hello! (Pause.) No, it doesn't look as if I'm in right now. Maybe you should leave a message at the beep or call me back later. BEEP. (Pause three seconds.) Just kidding, that wasn't really the beep. Are you ready now?

(Long pause, sound of phone dropping, sleepy voice:) Argh! (Pause.) Hello... (Sound of phone dropping, then a yawn.) Sorry man... I'm a bit tired at the moment... (Long yawn.) I'm going back to sleep now... Just going to switch the answering machine on...

Hello? (Pause. Roommate's voice:) C'mon, Matt, we're gonna be late! -- Hold on, there's someone on the phone! Hello? -- C'mon, dude! -- Hello? Aaah, whatever... BEEP

Hello. All of our operators are busy right now, but if you'll leave your name, telephone number, a brief message, and the time you called, we'll get back to you as soon as possible. Thank you and have a pleasant day. (This can dissuade prank and sales callers who don't know it's really a private line.)

Creamed asparagus! BEEP

Hello, you have reached dial an unpopular luncheon meat, I am pimento loaf, leave me a message.

Thank you for calling the CSU Automated Hearing Test Line. Prepare for Test 1. Is this tone louder in your left ear or right ear? ... BEEP

All our answering machines are busy. Please hold. (Pause.) All our answering machines are... (CLICK) This is the answering machine of...

(Pick up the phone and say:) This is Chris. I'm not here right now. Leave me a message. BEEP. (Then listen.)

This is Chris. John and Mike aren't here right now, but if you leave a message, they'll get back to you as soon as they can.

Hello, this is David. I don't live here, so if you were trying to call me, you've dialed the wrong number. On the other hand, if you were trying to call John, Jim, or Eric, please leave your name and number at the tone. I don't guarantee that one of them will call you back -- only that I won't.

I just got a car phone. I'm not here at the moment. Leave me a message and I'll call you when I'm out.

This is Jeff, you're not in now, so I'll leave a message.

Hi, can I speak to Mark?... Oh, there isn't?... I'm sorry, I must have dialed the wrong number.

Wrong number? No sweat, I was going to pick up the phone anyway.

(Deadpan voice:) Hi, This is Dave. Please leave a message as soon as possible and I'll get back to you at the sound of the tone.

Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I callyou back.

Hello, this is Ron. I'm not home right now, but I can take a message. Hang on a second while I get a pencil. (Open a drawer and shuffle stuff around.) OK, what would you like me to tell me?

You've reached Mike and Nancy's answering machine. They're not home right now. At least, I don't think they are. Hang on. (Voice moves away from recording microphone.) Mike? Nancy? (Voice comes back.) Nope, they're not here, so at the beep...

This is Anthony. Leave me a message at the beep. (Beep) Whoops, I bet you couldn't hear that. Lemme try again. (Beep) Nuts, once more with feeling...

We're sorry. You have reached an imaginary number. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again.

Hi, you've reached 340-2359. We're not peeb eht retfa egassem ruoy evael esaelp os ,won thgir emoh. gnillac rof uoy knahT.

(And here's a way to befuddle the *callee* rather than the caller: Record someone's answering machine message as you hear it, and then play it back to them as your message to them. Repeat over time until something interesting happens.)

(Another way to befuddle the callee; leave a message like this: "Hello. This is a message for, message for, message for, message for," and then hang up.)

Listen. (Pause.) And now talk.

Blah, blablablah, blah, blah. Blah? Blah blah. Blah. BEEP

OK, one more time... This is our answering machine... This is the message on our answering machine... Any questions?

(Classical music:) This is our answering machine. (Switch to heavy metal racket:) This is our answering machine on drugs. (Silence...) Any message?

Please leave your name and number -- But first, a short algebra quiz: How much is 5Q + 5Q? (Pause while caller thinks: 10Q) You're welcome!

(Gameshow-announcer voice:) Hello, and welcome to Phone Tag! (Cheers in background.) If you'd like to join the game, please leave your name and number at the beep, and we'll try to reach you when you're not around. And thanks once again for playing Phone Tag!

Congratulations! By correctly dialing 123-4567, you have become eligible to leave a message! (Applause.) Join the lucky few that have advanced to the next level! (Cheers.) And now, at the sound of the tone, leave your name, number, the time you called, and a brief message.

You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.

Elleuw, Eenspector, ahem, CHIEF Eenspector Clewseau ees not een the rheum to answer the pheuwne at the meument, so stop acteeng lahk a minkey, you FUEWL, and leave a mesSAGE... (Oriental voice:) Excuse me, Inspectah Clouseau, I just leceived special derively for you, here sir... Ah, thank you, Kato. How naice eet ees to have people send you a pretty leetle beuhmb for a birthday present, and eet ees not even my birth -- a BEUHMB? It's a beuhmb!!! (Muffled explosion.)

Concatenation of events preclude our coming to the phone. Please speak freely, with magniloquence upon occasion of the tone.

Hello. Here are my answers to last week's messages, in order of their arrival. Yes. Maybe. At seven. You'll get it tomorrow. For sure. Get me that phone number. Thanks, I take my messages on Mondays.

Voice 1: Gee, Dave, what do you feel like doing tonight?

Voice 2: Same thing we do every night, Rob... Try to take over the world! (Sing:)

They're David and the Rob,

Yes, David and the Rob,

One is a drummer, the other needs a job.

They're not at home right now, so please don't have a cow,

Leave a message -- for David and the Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob.

Thank you for calling, no doubt,

As you can guess, we're out.

When we get home,

We'll call on the phone.

Until then, just hang about.

Sorry that we're not at home.

Please leave a message after the tone.

When we get in,

We'll give you a ring.

Until then, wait by the phone.

(Jack Webb voice:) This is the city. Lambertville, New Jersey. I work here. I carry a tune. I was changing my name to protect my innocence when I got a call about a 411. It sounded like

good information to me. But I needed more. A name and a number. So leave yours and I'll return your call. Or I can send you a FAX. Nothing but the FAX, ma'am. (Hum the "Dragnet" theme...)

Knock, knock. (Pause. Caller thinks, "Who's there?") Isn't that *my* question? (Pause.) Please leave a message...

Yo. I ain't here at the moment. Leave a message at that silly beep and I'll get back... (Sniff, sniff...) Hey, what are you cooking? It smells good.

Bridge, Kirk here.

Starship Enterprise, Uhura here, can you hold please? --

Captain, there is a transmission coming in on hailing frequency

seven, do you want it on screen?

(Star Trek theme in the background:)

(Voice 1:) Room 17, the final frontier.

(Voice 2:) These are the messages of Chad's answering machine.

Its two semester mission: To seek out your name and

your telephone number.

(Voice 3:) To boldly inform you to wait for the tone.

Thank you for calling Starfleet Command. No starships are in the quadrant at this time, so at the sound of the subspace tone, tell us your name, the planet you are calling from, and how many Klingons are attacking.

(Bad imitations:)

Picard: Assume standard orbit, Mr. LaForge. Sensor readings,

Lieutenant?

Worf: Scanning, Captain... Strange... No life-forms.

Picard: Recommendations, Mr. Data?

Data: Intriguing, Captain. Perhaps we should simply leave a

message.

(Borg voice:) WE ARE BORG. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. YOUR PHONE

CALL, AS IT HAS BEEN, IS NOW OVER. YOUR MESSAGE WILL BE

ASSIMILATED AT THE BEEP. But we're not home right now. So

leave a message and we'll assimilate you later.

(Like a sheep:) Baaaaaaa.

I'm gone.

Fred. Message. BEEP.

(Klingon voice:) ANSWERING MACHINE. SPEAK.

You have reached 555-6238. Why?

This is you-know who. We are you-know-where. Leave your you-know-what you-know-when.

You have reached 234-1243. This is an answering machine. This is the nineties. You know what to do.

You know what to do.

You know how to do it.

You know when to do it.

So, JUST DO IT!

You have reached the number you have dialed. Please leave a message after the beep.

This is a boring answering machine message. Leave a message anyway. (Useful to keep people from calling at odd hours to hear your latest exciting message.)

(For Shakespeare lovers only:)

So long as phones can ring and eyes can see,

So leave a message, and I'll get back to thee.

I am not home to talk to you,

But please don't be a creep.

Just leave your name and number,

At the sound of the...

(Dreamily:) Dewdrop, in your pure fresh waters, let me wash these dirty hands of life. (Roughly:) Now, THAT'S what I call a message! If yours is at least that good, maybe I'll call you back...

Bullwinkle: Hey, Rocky, somebody called while we weren't home.

Watch me pull their message out of this machine!

Rocky: Again?

Bullwinkle: Nuthin' up my sleeve... PRESTO! (Sound of vicious

dog barking, stops abruptly.)

Bullwinkle: Must have been a wrong number.

Rocky: Here's a chance for you to REALLY leave your message.

These words are lovely dark and deep

But I've got promises to keep

and miles to go before I sleep

So leave a message at the beep.

Now I lay me down to sleep;

Leave a message at the beep.

If I die before I wake,

Remember to erase the tape.