30July98
Guys, 
> Whoever wrote these is a person of vision, and might consider a run
> for public office for 2000.  They may even be suitable candidates for 
> posting on the Purple Sideways under the category of Politics, or
> maybe Minor Rants and Other Miscellany. 
> 
> 
> For those who may not have heard, in honor of Congress killing off the 
> Big Tobacco Settlement, there is a movement among some of the
> cigarette companies to start naming cigarette brands after various
> members.  The promotional campaigns may go something like:  "Light up 
> a Newt!" or  "Try a Trent Lott Light" or "For long, long pleasure, try 
> a Strom."
> Regards,
> DJH
> 
> 
> WASHINGTON, DC-On Tuesday, Congress approved the Americans With No 
> Abilities Act, sweeping new legislation that provides benefits and 
> protection for more than 135 million talentless Americans. The act, 
> signed into law by President Clinton shortly after its passage,
> is being hailed as a major victory for the millions upon millions of 
> U.S. citizens who lack any real skills or uses.
> 
> "Roughly 50 percent of Americans-through no fault of their own-do not 
> possess the talent necessary to carve out a meaningful role for
> themselves in society," said Clinton, a longtime ANA supporter. "Their 
> lives are futile hamster-wheel existences of unrewarding, dead-end
> busywork: xeroxing documents written by others, fulfilling mail-in
> rebates for Black & Decker toaster ovens, and processing bureaucratic 
> forms that nobody will ever see. Sadly, for these millions of
> non-abled Americans, the American dream of working hard and moving up 
> through the ranks is simply not a reality."
> 
> Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million 
> important-sounding "middle man" positions will be created in the
> white-collar sector for non-abled persons, providing them with an 
> illusory sense of purpose and ability. Mandatory,
> non-performance-based raises and promotions will also be offered to 
> create a sense of upward mobility for even the most unremarkable,
> utterly replaceable employees. The legislation also provides
> corporations with incentives to hire Non-abled workers, including tax 
> breaks for those who hire one non-germane worker for every two
> talented hirees.
> 
> Finally, the Americans With No Abilities Act also contains tough new 
> measures to prevent discrimination against the non-abled by banning 
> prospective employers from asking such job-interview questions as,
> "What can you bring to this organization?" and "Do you have any 
> special skills that would make you an asset to this company?"
> 
> "As a non-abled person, I frequently find myself unable to keep up 
> with co-workers, who have something going for them," said Mary Lou 
> Gertz, who lost her position as an unessential filing clerk at a
> Minneapolis tile wholesaler last month because of her lack of notable 
> skills. "This new law should really help people like me."
> 
> With the passage of the Americans With No Abilities Act, Gertz and
> Millions of other untalented, inessential citizens can finally see a 
> light at the
> end of the tunnel. Said Clinton: "It is our duty, both as lawmakers 
> and as human beings, to
> provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her lack 
> of
> value to society, some sort of space to take up in this great nation."