Delicious Horoscopes

ARIES
Ignore the nay-sayers and listen to your heart. Take up knitting.

TAURUS
You may have trouble making yourself understood this week. Don't think it isn't because you're not being unclear.

GEMINI
Cast aside your doubts and remember that you are more fortunate than most. You have cable.

CANCER
Planetary activity indicates a maladjustment in your lunar cycle. You may want to consider holding off on those vacation plans as of yet. In other news, the Rangers beat the Philly Flyers in a one-two shot.

LEO
Break out of that routine and examine your foibles. I don't really know what that means; I just like the word foibles. Foibles foibles foibles.

VIRGO
Stop selling yourself short or thinking others are in some way better than you -- they aren't. They suck too.

LIBRA
What you stand to gain is far greater than anything you may lose. After all, it's only dignity.

SCORPIO
Your time would be well spent dealing with a matter that has been simmering on the back burner for much too long. It's going to singe, and then the drapes will go up, and the next thing you know, you've got a mighty big kitchen fire on your hands. And then what will you do? Call the fire department? Ha! Those guys are swamped with calls as it is! You're better off gathering some snow from your backyard and tossing it onto the leaping flames. And don't forget to get the neighbors involved. Yes, there's nothing like a neighborhood bonfire-put-out to bring people together. You should be singing and toasting marshmallows by the time the cops show up. Try not to all scatter into the bushes at once. That's the first place they look. And you want someone on the outside to distract them and keep them running in circles. But you probably know all this already.

SAGITTARIUS
Not everyone in the world is doomed, you know. You are, but not everyone is.

CAPRICORN
It's eerie how much you've changed in the last few months. The new nail polish, the silver handbag, the alluring cuts to your skirts. You're a new man.

AQUARIUS
Your greatest asset is your ability to stand in someone else's shoes, and that is going to help you significantly in your next endeavor. Wear thick socks.

PISCES
Don't take everything so seriously. Just kidding.