Who
is this mute god of chastity anyway? His appeal has blown away
like the ash from my cigarette... - Cornelia (Defection)
I have never rebelled again
the restricted upbringing I had in a fundamentalist Christian
home. I did not feel the need to. I simply found that the closer
I got to God in my personal experience of him, and then compared it with
the severe and irrational judgements, restrictions and
segregation that was part of the Christian church and destroying
people's lives, the more confused I became.
I became confused because my intimate personal interaction with this supernatural being (that people believed could not be attained due of his "holiness"), conflicted with the teachings and dogma that are recorded by mere men in a book called the Bible. Was I experiencing the god of the Bible or God - the one who takes many forms across different cultures, embracing no propaganda or exclusivity.
I juxtaposed a lot of religious symbolism with raw passion in the poetry I wrote during that time and even after, due to a residual fascination with my metamorphosis. I have found myself sucked into forgotten spiritual planes while making love. This was and still is for two (perhaps more) reasons. Firstly, back then I was struggling against the horrors of hell themself and the possible rejection of my beloved God for the "sin" of my sexual passions and journey of self discovery. For example these lines from Flight, Fear and fantasy:
This
bed fills me up with sex,
drugs
and rock and roll;
Pulp Fiction black irony,
Van Gogh’s
exquisite madness,
Vavaldi’s four seasons,
your
terrifying beauty,
Jesus Christ Super Star
super pseudo...
Where
did he come from
to fuck me;
to fuck my trip;
my rocking and rolling;
head banging,
hips swaying,
pelvis thrusting
in time to your rhythm and rhyme.
But my falling from grace
is cushioned
by your
maternal breast.
Or this imagery from "Come Fuck me":
Come
to the alter
of my love making.
You, the wax on my belly
from God's candle.
Come hang on the cross
of intimate interaction,
and redeem yourself from
eternal wanting, craving, stroking fantasy.
Entwine
your fingers
in the crystal clear notes
of worship and transgression...
To the smoky,
jazz filled rooms
of enlightenment;
the allusive animated suspension
of understanding everything.
Indeed that is the secondly reason why I sometimes found myself sucked into forgotten spiritual planes while making love: "the allusive animated suspension of understanding everything" (and the philosophy of the "afterglow" which is what my poetry page is named after). Whether at perfect peace or striving, sex opens us up spiritually, emotional and intellectually.
The turn around, or should I say the slow, painful, deliberate journey away from the Christian religion took about a year. I don't judge the Christian faith now. I believe it's teachings hold some value. In fact I believe my acute awareness of the unseen and the spiritual world was conceived in it, though not taught there. I have encountered, seen and contended with supernatural beings and occurrences since I was a little girl. My parents knew this. That which I experience was frighteningly real and I became well know in my late teens for several supernatural gifts and powers with the Christian context. But I walked away from all that "pseudo fame". Now it's only mine for my own journey. I don't feel the need to "change the world", it's time to touch my own world.
And so to answer the question I asked myself during my experience as a Christian: "This intimate personal interaction I had found with a supernatural being, was I experiencing the god of the Bible or God - the one who takes many forms across different cultures, embracing no propaganda or exclusivity" Well, I know now that whether expressed through beliefs of the East, or the spiritual practices of the Native American Indians, it is essentially the presence of the supernatural for the upliftment of mankind that is "God". Both then, as now, though I first thought I was involved with the biblical form of God, I was actually in touch with the many faceted one.
-------------------
"But
for me the sweetest contact with God has no form. I close my
eyes, look within, and enter a deep soft silence. The infinity of
creation embraces me. We are one"
- Michael Jackson.
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So how do I see and worship
"god " ?
(paganism,
meditation, tai chi etc.)