My approach to life

"Today I discovered a butterfly trapped in my home. At first I wanted to capture it for its beauty. But I chose to free it, because freedom is even more beautiful than our fragile outer frames..."
-Cornelia

(Some of the links on this page are to poetry. Simply click on your browser's "back" button to return to this page).

My whole approach to life is about exploration. I always feel sure that there is more out there - more possible, more to discover, experience, survive and learn. Even the perceived dark side of life fascinates me. What is it that drives people to do what they do? What is the distinction between good and evil, pain and pleasure, art and pornography, "fucking" and making love, being childish and childlike, motal and divine, vampire and werewolf...? This thing called "being human" is indeed a funny thing.

It is not about a desire to give everything a try, but about exploring the intellectual, spiritual and emotional implications of our offbeat existence. I have a mind ravenous for stimulation. It is what keeps me at work until one in the morning leaning new skills in technology, what keeps me "in the lotus position" for several hour meditating and what keeps me at underground parties until sunrise observing time-warped hippies and pixies in human disguise.

I'm perpetually fascinated by people. I think I drive myself insane just strolling through a shopping mall. I've said to friends before that I feel more at home in a night club full of weirdo's, apparently from outer space, than being surrounded by frightfully "normal looking" people in a supermarket; the kind of "blatant, jarring normalacy" that sends me on a trip thinking about a "nice boy next door" called Geoffrey Darmer. At least I know what to expect from those delinquents in the night club.

But at the end of the day I'm entertained by both scenarios. In fact it's my favorite entertainment; living and observing real life extremes. Yet it's very often misunderstood. If you begin exploring the taboos of society somebody is bound to freak out. Then when I spend several months in isolation from me friends, "discovering my inner world, life, the universe and a cure for the human condition", they freak out. I think I'm most content wandering the streets of Melville on my own on the weekends, browsing through stuffy old bookshops, hidden away craft shops and second hand clothing stands. But I'm even more elated when hiking through the mountains or walking in forests. I feel so much freedom in the vast space and silence.

Most significantly, it is not "what I do", but my inner journey that counts - which with time spirals closer and closer toward peace. I spent most of 1996 throwing myself at the debauched excesses we are capable of. I felt like an infant imp learning the ways of pure indulgence at any expense. Once I had ingested and digested that exhausting side of life, and understood my place and identity in relation to it, I moved on. It believe it's valuable to plunge into all kinds of life-persuasions and then make the choice where it will fit in your bag of opinions based on first hand experience.

I am glad that I've wholehearted indulged in certain excesses. Now I can truly say, "Been there, done that - don't necessarily need to go down that road again". Nowadays I'm more focussed on deepening my experience of life. People say that there is an attractive serenity about me now. But it is only having taken in the rawest, carnal delicacies, that I am now fully appreciating and comprehending the awe of the spiritual. One can find the divine in the most unlikely places and people, as long as you're willing not to view each moment and encounter at face value.

People best enjoy me once they grasp the fact that to capture me, classify me or understand me is not an option. I can't even do that for myself. Sometimes I scare myself with my own thoughts, and exhaust myself with my own lust for life. I'm very much like the wind. Some perceive me as inconsistent. Those closest to me, however, understand the progressive metamorphosis. And see the common thread in all the chaos of growth.

All things said and done, I have to fight tooth and nail to find time for the beauty of life in the rat race. As I lean toward being a workaholic, I can easily fall into the trap of "work, eat, sleep, achieve, survive". It actually takes discipline to be free in a society so spoilt for choice. I keep having to remind myself that achievement and success don't lie in the "doing", but in the becoming. And that if I can spare just one moment to be in wonder, then I find the inspiration to be enterprising, inventive and innovative for the rest of the day; perhaps even for the rest of the week...

In the same breath the converse is true for balance. That is that very seldom in life does one attain what's dearest to you without exerting the utmost amount of energy, courage and sacrifice... I am constantly at work cultivating the courage and perseverance to wholeheartedly pursue that which I love best, believe in most fervently and long for above all else. It is not easy finding the balance between my passion for the arts and literature, my fierce corporate ambition and soulful yearnings for spiritual knowledge and experience.

My concept of "God"...

[Interview with a Natural Born Goddess]