Little Red Riding Hood
A Politically Correct Fairy Tale
 by Jim Garner
              

There once was a young person named Red Riding Hood who lived with 
her mother on the edge of a large wood.  One day her mother asked her to 
take a basket of fresh fruit and mineral water to her grandmother's house 
-- not because this was womyn's work,mind you, but because the deed was 
generous and helped engender a feeling of community.  Furthermore, her 
grandmother was not sick,but rather was in full physical and mental health 
and was fully capable of taking care of herself as a mature adult.

So Red Riding Hood set off with her basket of food through the woods.  Many 
people she knew believed that the forest was a foreboding and dangerous 
place and never set foot in it.  Red Riding Hood, however, was confident in 
her own budding sexuality that such obvious Freudian imagery did not hinder 
her.

On her way to Grandma's house, Red Riding Hood was accosted by a Wolf, who 
asked her what was in her basket.  She replied, "Some healthful snacks for 
my grandmother, who is certainly capable of taking care of herself as a 
mature adult."
          

The Wolf said, "You now, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to walk 
through these woods alone."
          

Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme, 
but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from 
society, the stress of which has caused you to develop your own, entirely 
valid worldview.  Now,if you'll excuse, me I must be on my way."
          

Red Riding Hood walked on along the main path.  But,because his status 
outside society had freed him from slavish adherence to linear, 
Western-style thought, the Wolf knew of a quicker route to Grandma's house.  
He burst into the house and ate Grandma, an entirely valid course of action 
for a carnivore such as himself.  Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist 
notions of what was masculine or feminine, he put on grandma's nightclothes 
and crawled into bed.
          

Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said, "Grandma,I have brought you 
some fat-free, sodium-free snacks to salute you in your role of a wise and 
nurturing matriarch."
          

From the bed, the Wolf said softly, "Come closer, child,so that I might see 
you."
          

Red Riding Hood said, "Oh, I forgot you are as optically challenged as a bat.  
Grandma, what big eyes you have!"
          

"They have seen much, and forgiven much, my dear."
"Grandma, what a big nose you have -- only relatively, of course, and 
certainly attractive in its own way."
"It has smelled much, and forgiven much, my dear."
"Grandma, what big teeth you have!"
          

The Wolf said, "I am happy with who I am and what I am," and leaped out of 
bed.  He grabbed Red Riding Hood in his claws,intent on devouring her.  
Red Riding Hood screamed, not out of alarm at the Wolf's apparent tendency 
toward cross-dressing, but because of his willful invasion of her personal 
space.
          

Her screams were heard by a passing woodchopper-person or log-fuel 
technician, as he preferred to be called).  When he burst into the cottage, 
he saw the melee and tried to intervene.
But as he raised his ax, Red Riding Hood and the Wolf both stopped.
          

"And what do you think you're doing?" asked Red Riding
Hood.
          

The woodchopper-person blinked and tried to answer, but no words came to him.
"Bursting in here like a Neanderthal, trusting your weapon to do your 
thinking for you!" she said.  "Sexist! Speciesist!  How dare you assume 
that womyn and wolves can't solve their own problems without a man's help!"
          

When she heard Red Riding Hood's speech, Grandma jumped out of the Wolf's 
mouth, took the woodchopper-person's axe, and cut his head off.  After this 
ordeal, Red Riding Hood, Grandma, and the Wolf felt a certain commonality 
of purpose.  They decided to set up an alternative household based on 
mutual respect and cooperation, and they lived together in the woods 
happily ever after.

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