A-Typical male's journal.

I remember when I knew I was going to lose my virginity. There was no question where we were going with things, and it was only a matter of time. Luckily, I didn't spend every waking moment with her, and I had an opportunity to analyze my feelings. I do that a lot, in case you didn't notice. It's one of the reasons I write a journal.

In that virginal, excited state, I made some rules for when, and under what conditions --and with who-- I would have sex. I negotiated them out with my lover.

I knew that I didn't want to have sex with someone I didn't love. I guess that's an antiquated thing nowadays. It might have gone out way before I was even born. But it is the way I'm wired. On the flip side of the coin, I find that it's really easy for me to fall in love. At least, a caring love for the other person. There are many kinds of love--nothing has ever beat out the intensity of what I feel now, for Azura.

It was an easy rule to decide on then. I knew I Loved my lover, and I knew I wanted to have sex with her. My rule let me do that, and felt comfortable in an ethical, moralistic sense.

But I was also deathly afraid of committment. I guess I was like most 21 year old men in that. So how to rationalize these two things together? That's when the negotiations began. Because my lover didn't want that kind of committment either. At least, not yet.

So we made an agreement, we'd abide by my rule, both of us: No sex with people we don't love. We added a new rule: If we have sex with someone else, we will tell each other about it. It was simple, easy, and it was our rule for the whole time we dated. A long time.

You see, if someone could make my lover happy, I was happy. I loved her, and wanted her to be happy. There was nothing there that insisted I be the one making her happy. In fact, if I denied her being happy, might I not also be making her sad?

Yes, it's simplistic--nothing is ever that easy. But it's the way I thought about it then. It's the core of the way I feel about things today. Azura and I have a second rule, too, but it's much more complicated. She has veto power, which I gave to her, and there's a stated preference: someone we both like.

By now you are wondering, did my lover ever sleep with another man or woman? Did I? I did not. Once I discovered my bi-ness I really wanted to do something about it. Find a man to love--something. But my bi-ness freaked out my lover. It made her immensely insecure. I guess it made her jealous.

Did she, though? Yes. I even cooked them breakfast a few times, or dinner. I met them all, or most of them. I even liked some of them more than she did. Was she trying to make me jealous? Probably. Did it work? No, not really. It made me glad. Glad to see her happy near the beginning. And after our relationship started devolving, glad to see her getting out. She still doesn't date enough, I think. I still want her to be happy. I guess I still love her. She does, however, still make me mad.

I don't think my lover was really poly. Polyamorous is "many loving". Polyfidelity is a concept whereby you have fidelity between a group. Three or more people, who don't sleep outside that group. Just like fidelity in a normal 2-person marriage. I believe in polyfidelity. Hell, I believe in fidelity. Those altar-promises are vows after all.

I know that I am really poly, and for that matter so is Azura. I didn't know that we we met, and fell in love. It wasn't, isn't vital. It's a special added extra--and one which we are pursuing.

But it's very hard to travel this road. We fit so well together, that adding a third will be hard. It will change all our roles, of course, redefining all our relationships. It will be hard and traumatic. Hopefully it will also be wonderful.

I'm not attracted to people's bodies. Or rather, not solely. There is something in the soul that grabs me, and reels me in. IRC is great for this, where a person's real gender is hidden. Their body is hidden. Their soul is out in the open. Fall in love with the soul, and what is left? An acceptance of reality that gender doesn't really matter.

You've already engaged that largest of sexual organs, the mind. The others will come around with a little bumping and grinding. The physical aspect is just friction. And that's all it is if the mind isn't engaged. Something mental takes it all beyond that--and that has nothing to do with gender for me.

And that, my friends, is why I'm bi.

Does that mean that I come down closer to the 'choice' side of gender preference? Yes, I'm closer to that, and that will make some people mad. I don't think that my choices are driven by my genes. I can, however, only talk about myself in this. It's a limited sample, and of no scientific value whatsoever.

Still, though, it makes you wonder.

Generic Joe's A Typical Male