Monday, June 2, 1997 -- Rememberences of lost love |
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For Harq
Are you going to Phoenix, AZ?
Tell him to find me a motion machine
Tell him to find me a 'bot that thinks
Tell him to find a man dumber than me --Generic Joe |
I called Dad today and asked about Mom. She is doing much better, and they are probably going to let her eat later tonight. Just liquids, but if that works she'll graduate into solid food again. They still don't know what caused it, but I guess even modern medicine has its limits. The important thing is she sounded much more sure of herself on the phone today. Today lumbers on. I started typing in the fiction journal. The first few entries will be short, but should expand. The ultimate goal for that is to experiment with the web fiction. Hopefully, I'll learn something and advance my writing career hopes. Writing or storytelling has always been central to what I was interested in. Whether it's GameMastering, game design, or writing, telling interesting stories has always been an interest. Even the drawing is just and attempt at storytelling Dammit! I'm avoiding what I want to write because I know this is public. I'm certain that the person I want to write about will eventually read this. He knows the URL, but hasn't looked yet. One part of me thinks he never will. Another part hopes he will. I have to decide if being an accurate journaller is an appropriate benefit to annoying, angering, perhaps really hurting someone. Later I talked this over with LadyDawn after lunch, and she thinks I should be accurate. Even if I say something bad about her, at least then we could talk about it. She doesn't think that Harq will ever come here. Who is Harq? Well, I've already written about my first male sexual encounter. I've also talked about Heather, my first real love, and sexual partner. Harq is ther first man I really loved. Loving, in the sense of caring about, is easy for me. I care about alot of people. I care about my friends, they are all important to me. Romantic love is another thing entirely. It is hard for me to give. My desire for honesty in myself won't let me give it till I really mean it. It is something I think about, and mean. If I tellyou that I love you, I always mean it. They aren't idle words. I met Harq on IRC. He was dashing, intersting and witty. His poetry cut to my heart. He was even interested in me. I don't know why, but he was. I guess he still is to some degree. I don't know how much. I was already very interested in LadyDawn at the time, and she seemed a bit unapproachable. Somehow Harq, Dawn and I became a triad for a time, or at least an attempt at one. I loved both of them, If I knew how I felt about Harq today, I'd say I love both of them still. That's when I started noticing something. Harq was treating LadyDawn with more attention and thought than he was treating me. I was a little jealous of Dawn, but not really jealous. I felt then, and still feel that she treated us equally, at the time. I talked to Harq about it at least three times. Each time he assured me that he loved me, and still cared about me, and if LadyDawn wasnt there, he'd pay attention to me. Maybe I was just starved for affection, and maybe I needed to much. I remember talking to Dawn about it at the time. She didn't understand it either. I eventually went up to them, and told them I wanted them to be happy. I did, I loved them. I was sad to see something end like that, but felt I couldn't do anything but distance myself. I was getting hurt too badly expecting, needing, wanting something from him. They eventually got engaged. An engagement that has since been broken off, I think, but I didn't expect that then. IRC had been until that time, a refuge from my loneliness. I found that IRC was exacerbating my loneliness, not helping. So I left. Without saying goodbye. Without explanation. It was wrong. I knew it was wrong, but I did it anyway. Harq wasn't the only reason I left. I had other life reasons, and tasks and goals in the "real world" to tend to. IRC became something I could drop, a liability, and so I left. I eventually came back. I'm different now, I have more friends on line than I did before. I think I've earned Dawn's trust back, after much effort. I love her too much not to try. She and Harq have been going back and forth lately. He's been ignoring her, or at least not being there when she needs him. That may not be a crime, but Harq's biggest problem is communication. He doesn't talk to us, we don't know what's up with him. Dawn doesn't know if her expectations are unreasonable, because she doesn't know the demand Harq's life puts on him. At least that's the way I see it. So she expects perhaps too much, and is disappointed. He came online today, and told us why he'd been gone all weekend, when we thought he'd be around. Dawn was away, but there, and he didn't /msg her to let her know. (Things said in channel would have scrolled off, but things said directly to her, might not have.) It reminded me of old wounds and prompted this entry. I still seek love, and companionship. S/he is out there, waiting for me. One day we'll meet. |
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