Tuesday June 10, 1997 -- Self-Definition |
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| Maggie, honey, where are you? |
I spent most of my time today talking with LadyDawn. We talked about Life,the Universe, and Everything,. It was a great talk, and we really connected. Of course, I use the workd 'talk' loosely. I never heard her voice, we were chatting via IRC.
There is a denial of people who chat online, I think. That our relationsihops aren't as real or as valuable. I'm online because I can get that emotive connection with another person without putting up all my societal walls. This journal is an excellent example of this. Through my anonymity, I share thingsI I won't even mention to the people I see with my eyes everyday. There is no one in my daily life that I connect withas deeply and wll as I do with LadyDawn. She's one of my best friends, and Ihope she remains so. The anonymity I talk about can be abused or used. When I first came online, I realized I had an opprotunity one doesnt' get very often. I had the chance to change the who-i-am. Withouht dealing with pre- and mis-conceptions. I've had that chance twice before. In grade school, I got placed in the slow class--the one with slow students and conduct problems. I think this is wrong, and it might even be illegal But I know why that class existed. Ms Dupree was an evil bitch, with tenure. If the "good" kids had had Ms.Dupree she would have scarred them for life. I was, or could have been. I spent a year surviving in a class where the teacher picked me out as one of the three bad/wierd kids. And announced this fact to the class. We were basically responsible for disrupting her schedule. I was the only kid in band, and I was also in the Gifted & Talented program. Both of these got me out of class, and disrupted her day. The other two kids were Jehovah's Witness', and by that very fact disrupted her class. So we were all 'bad' kids to her. Lonnie, on of the JW kids became a good friend. He even got my special valentine, even though I wasn't supposed to give it to him. Yes, later I told Mom about my experience. She was furious with Dupree, and wondered why I never told her. I think I tried, but my 6th grade mind didn't know how to tell Mom what was bothering me. But that year was spent away from my friends. This was a good thing, since I had been a conduct problem the year before, largely due to those friends. The next year we were all shipped off to another school, and mixed with another set of kids. I got to re-meet everyoen and the new kids. Times were good again. That was my best year of school. It really saved me from MsDupree. It was Randy Morris, the best teacher I ever had, and the chance to start all over again that did it. The next chance was college. I think I enjoyed myself, even though I was back at home after two semesters, and then working full time at Hardee's for a year. When I went back to school it only took three months to discover the 'net. I used it's anonymity not to redesign myself but to reveal myself. I told Atreus one day a few weeks ago, that my online persona is m ore me than my RL one. I am more like I am there. Here. This journal is a natural outgrowh of that sharing. This is me, who I am, in my words. Hello.
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