Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
From chasing parked ambulances.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
The lawyer charges more.

Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat. The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!"

The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.

Ever heard of the two gay judges?
They tried each other.

After having his plumbing system fixed by a plumber, the lawyer was aghast upon seeing the bill. "This price is horrendous!  I'm a lawyer and I don't earn that much for my professional services in a day."

"Well," replied the plumber. "Neither was I, sir, when I was a practising lawyer."

A butcher was minding his store one day, when a dog ran in and stole a cut of meat off his counter. The butcher recognized the dog as belonging to his neighbor who was a lawyer. He called up his neighbor and said "Your dog stole meat from my store. I believe you owe me for the meat."

The lawyer said, "You are correct. How much was the meat?"

The butcher told him that it cost $4.50, the lawyer replied that he should receive a check for that amount in the mail the next day. The next day, the check arrived in the mail for $4.50, with a bill attached for $150 "for legal consultation".

A newly graduated lawyer arrived in a small town to set up shop and watched as a local walked toward the front door of his office. The lawyer picked up his phone and waited until the man entered the building and could hear him talking. Wanting to make a good impression on the local man, the lawyer yelled into the phone, "I'm sorry, I'm much too busy to take your case, not even for a ten-thousand dollar retainer."

He then hung up and turned to the man standing in his doorway and said, "what can I do for you?"

The man said, "I'm here to connect your phone."

A doctor and a lawyer in two cars collided on a country road. The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from the car and offered him a drink from his hip flask.

The doctor accepted and handed the flask back to the lawyer, who closed it and put it away.

"Aren't you going to have a drink yourself?" asked the doctor.

"Sure, after the police leave," replied the attorney.

As the lawyer slowly came out of the anesthesia after surgery, he said, "Why are all the blinds drawn, doctor?"